What about me?

[megatron10]

Can someone help tell me how I am suppose to be myself really in a relationship with my bipolar partner when being myself sometimes makes my partner worst?
He wants me to tell him how I feel all the time, wants me to be open and honest and truthful but sometimes these things make him worst, make him feel like the worst person in the world. He gets stressed out thinking I am going to leave him. He wants criticism but then when I give it it turns back on me and I feel like the worst person ever.
I feel my feelings can't ever be heard or understood fully because everything is taken to heart and then he feels bad and then I'm left thinking, what the hell??
It's hard finding balence between taking care of myself and taking care of him.
He wants me to get more help about understanding his addiction but yet I asked him for group therapy and he said no.....is that fair? Shouldn't we both compromise? I've read books, went to therapy, I'm on discussion boards....shouldn't he have to try too?
Just because I don't have a disorder doesn't meen I need to be forgotten...there may be no books about me or how to deal with me but don't I deserve the same? Or is that asking too much of someone who is bipolar?
Just venting....thanks.
Meg.

[Re-O]

Hi Meg,

Yes, you do deserve to be heard and understood.

Having a partner with bipolar can at times be very difficult. At last, that's what all my past partners have told me. I know for myself I had huge insecurity issues. I felt unloved no matter how much my partner loved me.

You mentioned an addiction. I'm not sure if you were referring to bipolar or to alcohol/drugs. Alcohol/drugs can mess with medication (if he is on medication).

As for what to do... Every relationship is different just as every person is. So, what worked for me may not work for you. For me, I found it helpful when the person talking to me made sure they slipped in some good things. That made the "issue" feel less overwhelming. It was small enough that I could see that the issue wasn't saying how useless and a failure I was.

Your idea of a group was a good one but it's hard for anyone to enter a new group. For me sometimes sitting outside where the group is helps. He will see what type of people to expect. Baby steps. Is he getting any professional help? (Psychiatrist, therapist even regular doctor)

And, of course this is wearing you thin as well, I'm sure. Don't forget to make sure you are in a good state of mind.

Perhaps other's on the board can think of some good books not only for you but for your partner as well. When I was struggling with understanding, someone gave me a book called "The Bipolar Workbook". I believe understanding it makes it less powerful.

[Re-O]

Hi Meg,

I just read your other posts and realized I asked questions you have already answered. Sorry about that. No need to re-answer them but hopefully the other ideas helps somewhat.

[megatron10]

Thanks Re-O, sorry for not writing out the whole issue.
Yes he has an addiction, drugs which came along with his BP disorder. He has been clean and sober now almost 2 years. No drinking, no drugs....so this is an issue in itself along with the BPD that I am learning to deal with as well.
I like the idea of putting in something good along with the issue I have. I will try that...I guess I just get so lost and confused sometimes as to what to do.
I feel I have nobody to talk too. I have to be the one to get help, take care of him, understand his issues, but theres never been time to understand my issue...you know?
About the group therapy, it's actually couples therapy I wanted. Just the two of us with a therapist. I though maybe if someone else could look at us fromt he outside they could have some fresh ideas or advice. I understand though that it can be hard and overwhelming...but again, him wanting me to go to AL-ANON meetings also is overwhelming and hard for me....
He does see a therapist regularly and is on an excellent med. schedule...it's just the little things that life has been throwing at us that I find challenging....I have actually read and started the Bipolar workbook. I also read "The Bipolar Relationship" and "Loving someone with bipolar disorder". Both are excellent. We also subscribe to BP magazine and I find the stories in there helpful and hopeful as well. But I would love more ideas on good books, always open to anything.
I do wear thin.....but I always manage to pick myself back up...it's just nice to be heard and understood.
Thanks so much.
Meg.

[Re-O]

Hi Meg,

Wow, there have been some great strides in defeating addictions.

It's encouraging to see how devoted you are to the success of the relationship. I'm sure it has been a struggle at times and, as you mentioned, very isolating. Sometimes when I get down on things, it helps me to look around and realize how I am fortunate to have the things I do. Even simple things like being at a stable mood where I am not depressed or manic. Taking stock of the positives in my life, make the burdens easier to carry.

Ensure you are caring for yourself and have a support network that is easily available. I have found bipolar can consume not only the person with the illness but those around them.

p.s. There is a bipolar magazine?!?

[Atlantis]

Hi Meg,
Have you tried an in person support group for loved ones/family members of a person diagnosed with Bipolar disorder?

[uni]

Hello Megatron. Sounds like you are working really hard to understand your partner, and I do hear you about the difficulties in finding support for yourself. My b/f too has been frustrated with the lack of info or support for himself. Addictions and mental illness are often treated by separate agencies where I live, meaning double the appointments, etc for those who have both.

Here's what I do know, for what it's worth. I am best off when my boyfriend is not concentrating all his attention on me, because then I feel guilty about causing him pain and confusion and sadness. Some attention to my illness is great, but too much is not. When he spends some time enjoying his own interests and activities, he is happier and I feel less pressured. We're trying to balance time together doing couple things, with time apart involved in our own interests and with other people, which strangely enough means we have more to give to each other.

It is a (not my favourite word) "challenge", and is quite the dance at this point, but it helps us both to relax a bit and worry less. Because I know he needs to relax a bit and worry less, as much as I do. We are still learning.

I don't know if any of this helps you, but it has helped me to share; I didn't know how much until I got posting this. So thanks, I wish you and your b/f well, and I look forward to hearing more from you.

[megatron10]

Thanks everyone for your responses.
Re-O, thanks for noting the devotion. I think that's my main problem, everyone else around me and on this forum can commend me on how much I want to try and learn but my own fiance doesn't notice all that I'm doing. That's the hard part. I feel (and he always corrects me and tells me I am wrong) that it's just never good enough because he always has some complaint, or atleast to me it feels like there is always a complaint about myself and what I'm doing, or not doing.
So I guess I just need a little recognition from him....if possible. I certainly don't stop enough and realize all the blessings I have and I need to try and enjoy my life more and just love and live. I know I have a support system but find myself not going to it enough...I tend to deal with things on my own (stubborness) so I also need to open up more.
Oh about the magazine, its great, the website is: www.bphope.com/


Atlantis- I have gotten the names of some family support groups here in town....I haven't called them yet to be honest and I have been scared and procrastinating. It's such a small place here...everyone knows everyone and I kinda shy away from that. I enjoy anonymity and feel it easier to open up to strangers....so I am scared of that. But like I said, I will try anything.

Uni- Thanks for the words of advice. It is very hard to get help for family members, even on the internet it's hard. Like this board, I usually end up writing back and forth with bp disorder suffereres rather than the family member themselves.
You are correct in not focusing my attention all on his disorder...he hates that, feels like some kinda of circus act...I know that and I try to be normal and leave that out of it and not sound like a book or a therapist but rather his partner. We have recently started spending more time on other things such as me going out to supper with my girlfriends, movies, just hobbies that I enjoy and he enjoys that we can do separately. It helps a bit...but again then sometimes he gets insecure when we start doing things apart. He thinks then I enjoy being away from him, that I will want to do more things without him. He starts thinking paranoid thoughts about me wanting to be away from him more and more. So it's a tough balance for me to juggle what the right and wrong thing is. One week it may be fine to head out for a few hours, the next week that very same thing may cause an uproar.
Challenge is the right word, but I do not regret any of it. I tend to lose myself and forget to take care of me at times....and I need to make sure I keep myself healthy because if not then I certainly cannot help him.
It's been a learning experience for 2 years and we have much much more to learn....marriage will be rewarding and fun, but a challenge non the less, as with any couple.

[Atlantis]

Hi Meg,
That last post you wrote really touched my heart I find it extremely difficult to open up and talk about my bipolar illness with my pdoc while my husband is in the room. I have only invited my husband twice to my pdoc appts, and only because my pdoc wanted to see him.

I do talk about my illness with my husband at home but i need my time at my pdoc appt by myself so i can be 100% honest, and so I don't need to worry about hurting his feelings by something that i say. Other times i am afraid if he comes to my pdoc appts and "listens in" will he find out that i am really "crazy" and then leave me. This is just me being insecure, but I still think it...So I end up being more comfortable going by myself.

I do admire the amount of research you have done, I wish more people would take the time to read and get informed about mental illnesses.

p.s. I turned to this forum for support...I am happily married to a wonderful man who can not imagine now or never will know what it is like to live with a mood disorder...Except from watching me, but he can't feel what is going on inside of me.

[Woody]

Hi Meg,

If I can be direct. Your partner is acting like a child. It sound like you need to set some boundaries between what kinds of behaviours are acceptable and what is not. After reading your posts, I suspect that this will probably not go down without some serious resistance. You will be the bad one. You will not love him anymore. It will go on and on, but for your own sanity, you will need to stick to your guns and keep reassuring him that you still love him.

[paul m]

I agree with Woody. Any couple, regardless of the problems or issues, have to have a certain amount of respect for each others difficulties.

Boundaries and acceptance of an individual traits are often very hard to maintain and respect over the long run, even without a major illness involved.

You mentioned couples therapy, that can work wonders with the proper therapist, providing you are both willing to take advice. Marriages, hopefully, can last a long time. It takes many changes and accomadations during those years to make a marriage work. If one side won't change, it is doomed.

Just as a personal note, I too have a problem with annoying my wife with repititous questions and or being too attached. In my case it's because of all of the horrible things I have done(albeit caused by the illness). I sometimes simply don't feel worthy of her and this can leave me feeling insecure.

She is not perfect in her understanding of the illness either(nobody is) and this can leave me annoyed. However it is primarily my illness and I must work to find the solutions with her assistance, not the other way around.

Whether my wife stays or leaves, I know my illness is here to stay so it is my problem and I had better work on my coping skills. Take Care. paul m

[megatron10]

Woody-Thanks for being direct. I agree with you that it is selfish and childish, but I guess I feel guilty for feeling that way because it is an illness. But at the same time I understand that he needs to take some of the slack for that as well. He needs to be responsible for understanding himself and continuing to maintain a balanced lifestlye. I just worry that sometimes I ask too much of him.
We talked, he said he was sorry for not realizing all I do for him, said that he sometimes neglects how much I do do for him because he uses his energy on feeling bad for what he does to me rather than realizing what I go through as well is just as hard.
I think we both just get caught up on our own feelings and what the other person does to the other that we forget what the other one is going through. And yes, the respect is something like Paul said that we both agreed we need to work on.
I have tried boundaries, they are working, hard yes, but he is on board with me knowing the things that are just not acceptable. I will stick to my guns.....sometimes I fall because the constant reassurance is hard (and I need it too!) but I always pick myself back up and move forward with the day.

Paul-I understand the insecurities you mentioned...he feels sometimes he is ruining my life with his illness. I feel sometimes I make his illness worst. I guess we just need to continue to work through everything. I do love the couples therapy idea, but like you said, it is hard to find a good one and I wouldn't know where to look or who to ask. It's difficult finding one that specializes specifically in BP disorder and addictions but I am going to do some research and see what comes up.
Thanks everyone for the advice

Meg

[Atlantis]

However it is primarily my illness and I must work to find the solutions with her assistance, not the other way around.

Whether my wife stays or leaves, I know my illness is here to stay so it is my problem and I had better work on my coping skills.

I agree Paul, 100%

[Ambe]

Hi everyone,

Welcome to the forum Meg!

I find myself on both sides of mental illness. I live with depression and then I have relatives who I try to understand their mental health issues (especially my daughter's). So it's a challenge for me. I am doing lots of work to better myself so it's frustrating to see my daughter not handling her own illness very well. I have to remember that it took me a long time to get help and accept my own situation.

My husband has been very good in finding materials on depression and schizophrenia, but he has a hard time understanding my daughter's illness. Right now, he's feels very upset about how my daughter is treating others especially her son and me. I have to acknowledge his feelings and allow him the space he needs, letting this be between them. This is sometimes hard to do, but I can't force either of them to respect the other. I know my husband is just trying to protect me. There are times when he says I will end up in the hospital before she will and somethings that's exactlly how I feel. Without her acceptance of her illness and her selfishness, our relationship (my daughter's and mine) will be strained. I have to learn (again) how to cut the apron strings.

Ambe