Trouble with Grown kids - it never ends.

[Aurora]

I don't even know what to do any more.Right now sitting on the computer at 3:30 am after already taking my numerous Bi Polar meds & all my pain meds drinking- not a good combo I know but right now my world is crumbling around me.Don't worry about the meds & alcohol togather-have done it before & know how much I can handle.Well I guess if I want advice I have to tell you what its all about.I am 41 & have 3 grown children (23,21,& 18)as well as 2 beautiful Grandchildren. My 23 yr old is pretty good, holds a job,pays her bills,stays out of trouble for the most part & looks after her child. Then there are my Sons- it is like if there is trouble to be found they will be in it. The older boy is coming 22 & has a girlfriend & a baby, but he has always gotten into trouble.My 18 yr old will do anything his brother does which usually are not good things.Also even those they are adults I live 7hrs. away so can't even intervene.Truthfully I believe the Boys are BiPolar or some other mood disorder as well as my Daughter just not to the degree of her Brothers.They are all very very moody/always have been.I tried getting them councelling when they were younger but they either wouldn't show ,or just sit there the whole session & say nothing or just walk out. Now as adults I can do nothing when they believe there isn't any thing wrong with them.Today was starting out all good.Had not heard from the boys for a few days so was a nice surprise when they called.Both sounded fine,never mentioned any problems,& told me that they were coming home Mother's Day weekend which is also my Birthday the Saturday,asking what I want for my Birthday/Mothers day, totally normal conversation. All hell broke loose, when I got a frantic call from my older Son's girlfriend, at 1am, saying that he was in police custody & she had no idea about my other boy.They had been togather last she knew.As I said she's frantic because they are not married they while not even confirm that he is in custody.A friend of theirs was driving by & saw my oldest cuffed.I called my oldests cell phone/no answer-then call other son & a man answered & I asked if it was him because the voice didn't sound right. I asked who I was speaking to as this was my sons number & the person wanted to know who I was, so I told him & he informed me that he(my 18yr old)is in police custody/would not tell me any thing except that it was serious.I then( though I already knew ) gave my older sons name & they cofirmed that he was also in police custody but nothing else being there over 18.I then called back Son's Girlfriend to tell her what I had found out. She is very upset to say the least & asked if she could bring the baby & stay here till this is worked out.Though I am in the middle of remodelling trying to finish before my Husband goes back to work next week & told her that she said she doesn't mind if I don't.What do I do ? I have to let them come, so get to see my Grandson early-that's a bonus. This probably won't even make any sense.I am starting my spring manic thing,PDoc is switching my meds all around, I want to boot 2 rotten Boys in the ass so i'm glad i'm not there.Has anyone ever had kids /adult kids with issues but won't take any help? What does a person do? Iam just right at the end of my rope with them both ruining their lives. They both dropped out of school,& have been working Construction & seemed to be doing well but how long will their bosses hold their jobs if their in Jail. You know it may be good to have the Grandbaby here to distract me. The last time my son got in a whole bunch of trouble,& my Dad had just passed away & I ended up ODing & getting my stomach pumped(not a pleasent experience).Think I had better maybe call my therapist & see if he has any openings tommorow.Oh I hope so.Why does parenting have to be so tough.I thought once they were grown all the stress would be over& of course my doc's all say I should avoid stress.Any advice on the situation would be greatly appreciated.My P Doc tells me their grown & are responsible for their own actions & that I should not let it upset me but how do I do that??????Sorry all, I didn't mean to vent on you guys.You probably will all think i'm a crazy obsessive parent. Even though i'm sorry about venting so bad on you all it feels some better to write it all down.Well i have about 1 1/2 hrs to do whatever,won't be sleep,till my Husband gets up & I not only have to tell him we are getting company for an extended period of time but also that his SONS (THEY ARE HIS RIGHT NOW)are both in police custody.Well wish me luck. Manic,No Sleep,or the rest of this better start thinking how to break the news. Crystal

[astronaut]

Crystal,

First off, don't appologize for ranting--especially if it has helped you to feel a bit better getting it all out.

Secondly, I do not have children of my own. However, I have been a live-in nanny so-to-speak for my cousins and am very close to them. I understand the parental worries and feelings that you are having and they are definately not over-the-top but are completely normal. It sounds like your situation is very scary right now.

Thirdly, I think it is a very good idea that you try to get in to see your therapist and maybe your pdoc too as soon as you can. This would be a very stressful situation for anyone not to mention someone with bipolar who is going through the hoops with medications and trying to fight off a manic episode.

I don't know what the right answer is about having your grandson and daughter-in-law stay with you. If it is going to cause too much stress: take care of yourself first. If you think that the distraction will help, then maybe having them around wouldn't be so bad. Does your son's girlfriend know anything about your condition? Sometimes it is helpful to have the support if someone knows what is going on. They can be sympathetic to you and I find that they are more willing to do what they can to help i.e. cleaning, cooking, etc.

Finally, I don't know how you can get help for your sons. The best you can do for them right now is offer your support. Tell them that you are there for them and that you love them. Maybe this police encounter will help them realize that they need to get their act together and that maybe there is a deeper problem that they are ignoring. We can only hope that this is a possible outcome.
Remember, this is NOT your fault. I don't want you to blame yourself for this. The best you can do is love these people and it sounds like you are doing this because you care deeply for them and for their quality of life.

Keep us posted on how you are doing. I hope that your sleep gets better too, that can really help with stress... More than drinking!!

be well,
astronaut

[Aurora]

Thanks Astronaut for reading my ranting,& yeah it really did help to put it out there.I have a tendency to blame myself when anything involves my kids cause they had a pretty bad go of it for awhile when they were younger.Their Dad went to jail when my youngest was 1 1/2 & even though my new Husband has been here since my youngest was 3. I think they always wondered what it would be like with their own Dad. My EX is still in jail so he has never been there for them or even seen them since he went to jail.I think that makes me a little over protective.Well things are looking up.My youngest son got a hold of me & he was processed & released Unfortunetly my older son has to remain in custody probably till court & my youngest doesn't go to court till June sometime. I hate to say it but maybe It will teach him a lesson & he definatly needs one. My youngest son,my older sons girlfriend & my Grandson are on their way down so that helps me feel better even though its kinda crazy with my renovations. Oh well I just need a couple hours of sleep & I should be good to go( I hope) Any way thanks Astronaut for the advice & helping me straighten things out in my head too.Gonna go for a smoke then catch some zzzzz

[A.E.V.]

wow, Crystal... that's a lot of stress!!
I truly hope that things work out for the best for you and your sons. I have an almost 18 year old, and I worry all the time about the path he will take too.
like astronaut said, please remember to take care of yourself!

[astronaut]

Good luck, Crystal. I hope that the family coming to stay can distract you a bit. This sounds like a tough time. I hope that you were able to sleep a bit and that it has given you a fresh outlook on the situation.

astronaut

[nightowl69]

Wow, Crystal... I'm not sure what to say. That's a whole lot of stress to deal with. I hope you were able to get some rest; things are a little easier to deal with if you are well rested. Take care of yourself. Remember that even though you love your kids, as adults they are responsible for their own actions. Continue to love them, offer your support and hope they are able to get the help they need. Most importantly, remember that this is NOT your fault and you're not being a "crazy obsessive parent".
Keep us posted on how things are going and come vent and rant any time. There's always someone here to listen and lend a shoulder to cry/lean on. Good luck.

[Aurora]

Yeah thanks for listening Astronaut & all the others that comented.It just makes it easier when you have a place to vent or talk or whatever.Did finally get about 4hrs of constant sleep& am going to go to bed again for a few hours then have to get up as my company should be here around 3am.To update my youngest is out of jail & he is also coming till Monday.He is driving up his brothers girlfriend & my grandson. The older son is still in custody but this is far from his first go with the police.It's been steady trouble with him since it seems like forever.Anyways thanks for the advice ,those few hours even gave me a bit better outlook

[paul m]

Hello Crystal. Sorry to hear that you are having problems. I have no great advice except to try and take care of yourself. Jail is certainly not a pleasant prospect and hopefully he will be safer there than some places that I have slept. As been said, perhaps it will teach him a lesson.

Who knows he maybe even be diagnosed there. Jails certainly aren't perfect, but every once in a while they do get it right. Depending on which province he lives in he may even ask to see a psychiatrist and have his mental state determined.

Why is parenting so tough, dunno, but I'm sure that my parent said the same thing for 30-40 yrs. Take Care. paul m

[uni]

Hello Crystal. I'm sorry to hear of all the stuff that's going on with you and your family. I'm glad you were able to get some sleep. There's nothing much I can say, except that although I have no kids of my own I'm very close to my nieces and nephews, and can imagine how tough this all is for you.

As for ranting, posting, whatever - go to it! That's what this forum is all about, a safe place to spill our troubles and get the support of others who can relate to what you are going through. I hope you will continue to let us know how things are going. I wish you and your family all the best. Hope you don't mind a hug

[Aurora]

Hey everyone- just thought I would pop in quick and update. My younger son was only held in custody a few hours then he brought his brothers girlfriend& my Grandson.The older son was held I think it was another 4 days then released on Bail & conditions so he also came here-They are all at my Daughter's as we are kinda in the middle of our reno so not much place to put them. My older son unfortunately can not stay out of trouble & in about4 days he has had 2 altercations with the RCMP & is now back in custody here indefinately pending being transfered to Winnipeg Reman Center as he Is from there (Winnipeg) & has the other prior charges from there. Also on the downside with my son in jail & his girlfriend is leaving him finally- On the up side she is thinking of moving up north with us so that I like,having Grandson & my Grandaughter that is already here both, i'll be in my glory. Also another good thing it seem's to have all put a good scare in my youngest boy & he promises he is done with all the crap- I told him you show me some improvment before I will totally be able to believe him. As with my last rant or vent or whatever you what to call it here I went with another one, so am very sorry but you do feel alot better when you can get it out so i'm very glad for this forem. My Husband is great with me & all my issues. He says he knew what he was signing up for & I guess he did as we lived togather for 8 yrs & now have been Married for 7 yrs.The big problem is that my husband is my second husband & thought he has raised them since my youngest was only 3 he won't give them any positive attention- like play a video game or watch a movie or anything. I can't talk to him about the boys at all he just says unless they clean up hes done with them & that I should too-& I can't so we just don't talk about it anymore & since I rarely leave my house I have no one or I sure don't feel like I do so love these forem- It is my link to the outside world sometimes feels like.Also have not had to see Doc, PDoc or even the phycologist &am holding the Manic at bay.Actually have a regular Doc appointment tommorow just for my regular pain meds & all the other stuff thats not for BiPolar,depression,anxiety, panic attacks. Anyway all sorry again about the venting- How did I cope before I found you all, I really enjoy this forum & with that I will say night all & hope you are all in better places then my right now.

[Sweetest1]

Crystal,

We just went through a time where my brother was in jail for over a year. He had been in and out of jail before that, and even homeless for a while. He's really cleaned up his act now, he's got a good job, works lots of overtime, pays child support, see's his daughter as often as he can (they live in a different city).
Sometimes you have to go through the bad to get to the good. I hope your boys clean up their acts too.
I'm sorry you have to watch them go through all of this.

[Aurora]

Thank's Sweetest1- it is always nice to get some feedback-to know i'm not the only one that has had even similar issues.On the upside had a nice day with my youngest son-he picked me up ,took me to my Doc appointment & all my running around.Got a chance for a nice talk & he seems to get things now.He is looking for work here so that he can be away from older brother's influence.Also if he can get work here he is moving home-very much to my Husband's displeasure but he just needs to put on his big boy pants and deal because I am putting my foot down-which I don't do often but when I do it's final.This is my baby boy so it's not negotionable.Hope all are having great days today cause you all deserve it. I'll check back in later one.

[Re-O]

Hi Crystal,

Wow, that all sounds very overwhelming but yet you still are able to see some positives. Good for you. Remember to take care of yourself though. You sound like a very strong person and very direct. I do hope your youngest learns and follows through.

My thoughts are with you during so many difficult changes and situations

[Aurora]

Thank's for the comment RE-O- I often don't feel like a very strong person-direct yeah when my back gets up which for along time I wasn't either as was on a antipsycotic for a few yrs that kinda made me Blank. But with some med changes lately(last 6-8 mths)I am happy to say that feeling is gone & more of me is back which I like/not sure Husband feels the same or is just getting used to me again. I can have a attitude & be very stubborn especialy where my kids are concerned. Think he got to used to me being tuned out & letting him just make all the decisions but I am not going back there again so he's gotta deal. Thanks for the complement tho-it has been a long time since anyone said I seemed strong-& direct/ That puts a smile on my face. Think I have to get used to me being back some more now to.I will remember to take care of myself & you do the same.Hope all is going great in your life.