Introducing Hi, I'm new to the forum

[sadiecell]

Hi,

I wanted to introduce myself and say hello. Apologies in advance for the long vent/explanation.

I'm sadie and I'm in my mid 40's - been depressed off and on for probably 13-17 years or so when my marriage ended. I also have social anxiety, I think since my early to mid 20's.

I'm a single mom with a 15 year old and I haven't worked in several years. We live off welfare.

My feelings seem to swing from numbness or emptiness to self-loathing. I can sometimes distract myself with things for a little while, but not too long. I have thoughts of just not existing, but I don't have specific thoughts or plans. I often feel like a bad mother/daughter/sibling/friend because I isolate myself and I hardly ever leave the house.

I want to have friends and be social but I never make effort to plan anything or do anything with my one friend. I never invite anyone over, not even family members. I'm not sure why. Probably shame at the unkempt state of my house. I don't know why I feel like I can't initiate contact in a social way because I always feel better when I spend time with a friend. Maybe its not depression, just selfishness?

As for finding new friends? I looked at meetup.com for my area, but I can't seem to push myself to go to any of these functions. Part of it might be that when someone invariably asks you what you do - its not like I'm going to say to them that I'm a burden on the system. Ugh.

I want to work in some type of job. I finished high school, but have never finished any sort of post secondary. Dropped out of uni twice and also dropped out of tradeschools twice. I know I'm smart enough to do the work. But when it gets too difficult I invariably get overwhelmed and then I just shut down, stop going to classes and flunk out or drop out. Maybe I should be trying to get a job in a fast food/retail capacity, but I don't like working with the public. That's all my employment history contains.

My neuroatypical teenager is socially anxious too (I feel like I am the cause of this) but we are closer in relationship than with the father. I often feel guilty for not doing enough for them. At 15 though, more self sufficiency would be nice.

When I look over the last few decades of my life it feels like.. a wasted life.

I often wonder if I'm depressed or just lazy. I don't know how to stop comparing myself to other people and finding myself lacking.

I was on effexor for a few years and in therapy at the same time. I felt better but I wonder if it was the therapy that made me feel better and not the meds. I haven't been on any meds for just over a year. I haven't been in therapy for two years or so. Things feel like they are getting worse.

I feel very alone and when I read this back it seems like whinging. Is it just that I need to put my big girl panties on and push through it?

-sadie

[AJ]

Welcome to the forum Sadie. Feel free to vent here anytime. Having a mental illness does not mean you're lazy! It's an illness and should be treated as such. Do you currently have a doctor? Have you considered going back to see a therapist?

Know that you are not alone. Most if not all of us can relate in some way.

[sadiecell]

Hi AJ,

I am not currently taking great care of my health. I avoid my doctor because I don't really feel like more than a number to him. I always feel like a 15 time slot that he has to endure. I have never developed a rapport with him despite him being my doctor for 15 years.

In my logical brain I know I should try and seek therapy again. And then my depressed brain thinks "what's the point you're too messed up."

I am here in an effort to stop isolating myself quite so much. When I feel the downward spiral starting, I need to reach out instead of doing what I normally do: not answering the phone and not contacting family or my friend.

[AJ]

I don't know where you live or how many if any new doctors are available but it might be worth checking out. Some cities have a website you can search for doctors available in your area but I don't know how current they keep it. Some of the provincial Physician and Surgeon college sites have that too. I have also found it helpful to book a half hour appointment when I have several issues to discuss. Being at the doctor's office can be intimidating for many. When I'm depressed, I sometimes don't ask questions that I'd like to.

I was in therapy for quite some time and found it very helpful to work my way through some of the past painful memories that haunted me. If I wasn't seeing a psychiatrist that I can talk to, as apposed to just getting medication from, I'd still be seeing one occasionally anyway. I have always found an objective opinion helps to give me perspective. I've also learnt some invaluable coping skills through therapy.

You may be 'messed up' as you say, but it's a feeling and not the whole story. It's our brain's way of tricking us into doing nothing. I understand the thought process completely having travelled down that road many times, especially when depressed. I am so glad that I pushed myself to seek help.

I'm glad you decided to join the forum. You will find the people on this forum very friendly and supportive. The summer is usually a quieter time for posting.

When I'm depressed I find it hard to 'put myself out there'. I have to push myself to pick up the phone and call a friend, or answer it for that matter. It's okay to let the machine answer for you. Then you can call back when you're ready to do so.

I have a dog to walk so that always gets me out of the house twice a day. Those walks always help to ground me. Step out onto your porch, even if it's as far as you go.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

[sadiecell]

Hi AJ,

I was in therapy for a few years (several years ago now) but I never worked on deep deep stuff. I did the things the therapist asked of me which increased mood at the time. But she also said at one point how I'd never dealt with myself. I ended up not going anymore even though they were allowing me to see them at a much reduced rate. I felt like I didn't deserve their help. That I was taking a spot from someone who deserved it more.

I managed to get an appt with a psychologist for next week but I still have those same feelings. Other people who are suffering need that time with the psychologist. Thoughts of I'm just a whiny entitled jerk who jumped the line ahead of others.

I should be going out every day but it's so difficult to drag myself out. It's like a weird stuck or frozen inability to just go outside and enjoy being out. I think its partially anxiety when all I can think about is that I don't belong, people will stare at me or worse. Logically I know this isn't true.

I can't have a dog because money and apartment. I don't even want a cat because I'm afraid that if it gets bad and I just spend all my time in bed it will be neglectful.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I don't want to feel alone.

[AJ]

You know a very wise therapist told me that I'm not more important then anyone else, BUT just as important! You deserve to get the help you need. Someone else's needs don't take away from the fact that you deserve to get that help.

You are not alone.