Introducing Hi, I'm new and not sure...

[prairierose]

I think I've been diagnosed bipolar...not sure if it's I or II. But I'm going in on Tuesday to double check. Because when I read these forums I'm not really relating. I'm thinking I may be more schizoaffective. How do you tell the difference?

I'm an empty nester mom with a wonderful hubby and 2 grown daughters who love me, even if they think I'm a bit strange. I'm self-employed as a professional artist...or trying to be. My disease didn't really surface or become unmanageable until I hit menopause. That's when the psychosis (persecutory delusions) kicked in, and then the anxiety and depression.

I have only really been suicidal a handful of times in over 15 years. Twice were medication related. They were side effects that went away after 2-3 weeks. The other times were caused by medical staff yelling at me for reasons unrelated to my mental health...as far as I know. I now have a pacemaker and for some reason the pacemaker clinic staff and cardiologist think it is appropriate to yell at me when I go into my appointments. I've switched cardiologists, so hopefully that will stop that (haven't seen the new cardiologist yet). And now I've stabilized I only need to see the pacemaker clinic once a year.

Still, I have an appointment this week and I can already feel myself slipping into a depression. I'd really rather die than go see them again. But hubby insists I go and goes with me, so at least he knows what's going on, even if he doesn't speak up for me. Last time I was in I was bullied into retracting my symptoms. Which largely disappeared after the pacemaker adjustment, even though I was told the pacemaker had nothing to do with them.

Anyways, sorry for such a negative first post. I actually have an enviable situation here. My hubby works and is okay with me staying home. Hubby's planning on retiring soon and we're struggling with how we're going to make our reduced income in retirement work. But judging from what I've read on here, we're much better off than some of you!

Looking forward to reading the boards and learning more. Take care everyone, and thanks for being here.

[AJ]

Welcome to the forum Prairerose. Are you seeing a psychiatrist on Tues?

[prairierose]

Yes. I'm thinking of asking her if I can double my dose of Abilify until a week or so after the Pacemaker Clinic appointment. Their track record hasn't been good with me and my track record coming out of a visit with them has not been good.

[paul m]

Hello prairierose and welcome. Please feel free to ask questions, answer other people's questions and/ or use the forum to vent out some of life's frustrations. Please do not apologize about being negative, because that is how we all feel sometimes. Part of the purpose of this forum is to be able to vent out or to get someone to acknowledge those negative feelings that we often have. Life with a mental illness is often frustrating and sometimes it helps to vent.

You may know all of the following, but for those who don't here is a little intro.

It can be hard to tell the difference between schizo affective, schizophrenia and affective disorders. Affective disorders are bipolar affective disorder and major depressive affective disorder. A lot of people think that schizo affective is just bipolar and schizophrenia combined, but it can also be schizophrenia and depression combined or parts of any of the above combined. This makes diagnosing it very difficult.

A good primer is at: http://www.medicinenet.com/schizoaff...er/article.htm Good luck with your appointment and Take Care. paul m

[AJ]

Thanks for the link Paul.

[prairierose]

Thank-you Paul. For the welcome and for the link. It was very helpful and describes me perfectly...bipolar schizoaffective disorder. I'll chat with my psychiatrist today and see what she can add.

[prairierose]

Okay, so she told me today I'm bipolar I, even though I pointed out to her I had persecutory delusions in the beginning. She thought those were after I was having bipolar symptoms. They were...but not at the same time, and now I'm confused. She didn't want to budge from the bipolar I diagnosis though. However, this will also be the last time I see her, as they are restructuring our local health region and she is being given a different job. So I'll talk to my new psychiatrist in December and see what she says.

Instead of letting me double up on my medicine for the pacemaker clinic visit, she prescribed a new drug for me - 3 pills of Lorazipam - an anti-anxiety drug, telling me to check with the pacemaker clinic first before I took it. I did. They weren't happy about it, but allowed as it wouldn't hurt anything they were going to do. The lady at the PM Clinic did tell me I'd be drowsy. We'll see. I'm not driving, so it really doesn't matter. I'm more concerned about the suicidal thoughts after seeing them. I may try the Lorazipam tomorrow morning and see how it goes.

ETA (edited to add): I just found out that people with asthma and COPD, of which I supposedly have both, are not supposed to take Lorazipam. Also found out it's brand name is Ativan. I know that drug. I had wild reactions to it when I had my wisdom teeth pulled years ago. The doc gave it to me and I was wild mood swings! No way am I filling this prescription!

[paul m]

Hello prairierose Lorazepam is an odd medication. For one person 2mg would knock them out and for others 5 mgs would barely be noticeable.

One thing I do know is that if I wait until I am really anxious to take one, the odds are that it will not work well. If I have something up coming that I know I will be anxious about I take .5 or 1 mg before I start getting really nervous and then add more as time goes on. If I wait until I'm really nervous or upset, even a large 3 mg dose of lorazepam would have little effect for an hr or two if it took effect at all.

Lorazepam has an average 1/2 life of about 4 hrs(1/2 of it is out of your system in 4 hrs, after 8 hrs 1/4 remains etc) and it takes about 30 minutes to reach peak effect. Which is another reason why I tend to start taking small doses early and then add. At least that way I have some in my system. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m

[prairierose]

thanks Paul.

[prairierose]

Just to update you Paul. The pacemaker clinic appointment went fine. I didn't take anything. I got a little anxious partway through, when they were trying to figure out why it wasn't reading the way they thought it should. But there was an RN there and she noticed right away that I was tensing up. She was great! Best visit I've had with the clinic since I started going there.

[paul m]

Great. I'm glad it went well. I know that tensing up feeling and it isn't nice. Hopefully future visits will go well too. It's been my experience that most medical personal are pretty good people, but that some of the not so good ones can be bullies. Like most bullies, when I was weak, they tended to pick up on that right away. I won't say that I'm really strong these days but I'm much better than I used to be and I find that I don't get ordered around as if I am a dummy nearly as often as I used to. Take Care. paul m

[AJ]

I'm glad to hear that your appointment with the pacemaker clinic was a better experience then it has been in the past.