Introducing New here - need help

[rhgirl]

hi all, not sure where to start.........i'm 62 y.o., have a 27 y.o. son who is absent in my life of late. My husband died 24 year ago from brain cancer, I survived breast cancer. Had a hard life all my life. Abuse at the hands of my parents, for which I turned to meth, was a *** worker, drug dealer, have seen people shoot themselves, been raped 5 times all by the age of 20. Then I got it together and worked hard in the corp. world and met my husband. My true soul mate and we were together 13 years - best 13 years of my life. I never wanted children until I married my one love, my husband, but when my son was only 3 1/2 months old, my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer. I kept him at home, caring for him, sleeping in a cot in the hallway trying to watch my infant son and husband - both needed me. My husband died in my arms. My father died when he was 40. My husband was 30 (I was older than him). Now I'm retired, moved to a new city, don't have any friends - never really did, I'm not the typical "girly girl" whereas talking about receipes is not my choice of topic. People call me a drama queen - I'm not, I'm severely depressed and have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD. I've dealt with so so many life issues all on my own...........and can't anymore. I think of taking my life but don't because of my son. I watch TV 16 hours/day, don't get dressed, and only shower once a week. I used to be a "stunner" by other people opinions.........now I'm a wreck. Not sure how much longer I can last like this. More horrible stories but this post is long enough. Thanks for reading if you made it through............

[paul m]

Hello rhgirl and welcome to the forum. Please don't hesitate to ask questions, answer other people's questions or use the forum to vent out some of life's frustrations.

People on here are pretty friendly. Most have been through several types of hell or took the same trip through it multiple times so they tend to be understanding. Take Care. paul m

[AJ]

Welcome to the forums rhgirl. You've had a very difficult life. I am in awe that you got thru what you have had to deal with.

I have severe PTSD among other illnesses and I know how hard it is. Everyday ordinary things in life can trigger it.

I'm glad you found us, you'll find us to be a very friendly supportive bunch of people.

[rhgirl]

thanks AJ, hoping to somehow find some light at the end of this dark tunnel I'm in......only 2 people in the entire world know my whole story, and one was my past husband. Can't believe this man loved me knowing all I had done and been through. I like your quote "humans punish themselves endlessly......" how true that is! I'll hand around a bit and see how all this goes, still navigating the site and how it works. Thanks for responding.

[rhgirl]

Hi Paul, thanks for reading my long post........still navigating this site and how it works. Haven't quite got it yet, but I'll figure it out. I hope with all I have I can find that one spark to make me re-think my negative thoughts. Thanks again.

[Determined]

Welcome rhgirl. Thoughts and prayers are with you. You are indeed an extremely strong person and it is my sincere hope that your road to wellness is a short one without detour.

[Fighting back]

......only 2 people in the entire world know my whole story, and one was my past husband. Can't believe this man loved me knowing all I had done and been through.

Sounds like one heck of a man. Sometimes we are fortunate enough to have people like that in our lives.

Stay strong!

[AJ]

If you need any help navigating the forum let me know. You may also find this helpful http://www.mooddisorderscanada.ca/forum/faq.php

[MoMoe]

Hi rhgirl
Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry for all the pain and suffering you have endured. I have to say though, I am in awe of what an incredibly strong human being you are. I am sure you must feel worn down by all of your experiences but I believe it takes a special kind of person to filter through so much trauma while remaining so selfless to the people you love. I truly commend you for being so brave. I haven't been feeling great this last week or so but I am getting such warm support from other members here and I wish the same for you as well. Reading your story has helped me feel stronger this morning to face some things I want to avoid today. I thank you for that and wish you all the strength you need to keep moving forward. I read something the other day that resonated with me. It said "never allow yourself to give up on a really bad day. Leave that decision for a good day." It just made so much sense to me. Blessings.

[rhgirl]

thanks Determined. Tomorrow (Mon) I find out if my Hep C medicine worked - I might actually be cured from it after having it for over 40 years. Fingers crossed.

[rhgirl]

....wow, It's true...you say my post helped you and because of that, your post has helped me feel better. Thank you. I don't consider myself strong, I was just in survivor mode but I'm starting to lose that battle. All alone in a new city with no friends has been really difficult. I don't make friends easy, I pretend and put on a happy face but I've no happy stories to share and people don't want to hear about all the bad stuff - so I can engage with people very well. Hoping to make some friends hear that are ok to hear about our struggles. I hope you have a good day tomorrow, try and do something nice for yourself - buy an ice cream cone! Sounds silly but little things like that - just getting out - helps me. Take care.

[rhgirl]

he was the best......that's why the loss is so difficult. He truly was such a blessing and saviour in my life. I miss him beyond comprehension. "Doctors" tell me to just get over it, I can't.

[rhgirl]

thanks Paul, I appreciate your support. Still navigating how to use the site. Don't know what the little star means at the bottom of posts.....also I never get notifications, I just happened to long on and saw some nice replys of encouragement. Thanks so much - every reply lifts my spirits that there are people with their own problems are still willing to reach out and help others. Wishing you a good day.........

[MoMoe]

Hi rhgirl - Being alone in a new place can certainly be difficult. I hope you meet some nice people and build new meaningful relationships to surround you. Make no mistake, you are a very string person. - "Survivor mode" is just that - a survivor. It takes a lot of strength that not everyone is capable of doing. You should be very proud of yourself. Funny you should mention ice cream - I am having a large bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream as I type! - I don't care how fattening it is LOL - I am just happy that I am hungry enough to eat something and it is distracting me from drinking alcohol to help me sleep tonight. Thank you for the warm wishes. Hope you have a good day tomorrow as well. Blessings.

[bella22]

Hi rhgirl. I was really touched by your story. You said that you don't consider yourself strong, but to me you sound like an incredibly strong woman. Your story is truly inspiring, and I hope you'll continue to share more about yourself, your life, and your memories. For me, it helps a great deal to write about the past, even if its painful to relive those memories. It reminds me of everything I've overcome and it helps me realize that this one moment in time, no matter how difficult it may be, is just another obstacle along my journey that I will get through. I'm sincerely hoping the days ahead will be better for you.

Bella