General Topics Major relationship move

[uni]

It's been quite a summer. I'm undergoing a major change in my life. After much preparation and several unforeseen delays, my boyfriend and I are living under the same roof! It's both exciting and scary. He sold his house in another city, and moved in with me a couple of weeks ago. It's nice to have him here, but it's also a big change. We've done lots of traveling together over the years, and stayed in each others' homes tons of times, but needless to say this is a different ball of wax. It's a unique and special time in our lives. Why am I nervous?!

[AJ]

I can think of a lot of reasons you'd be nervous. I mean what if he uses your toothbrush by mistake?

Seriously though, I think it's a big step. It's another step forward in a committed relationship.

The biggest stress for me would be my apprehension about whether it will work out.

[catman]

Congratulations, Uni! I agree with AJ. That would be my biggest fear too, although, that's my biggest fear for nearly everything. Telling myself that things are never perfect helps me. I romanticize aspects of my relationships and situations all too often, and when s*** hits the fan, it crushes me. I think "this was a huge mistake / things always go wrong for me / what did I do wrong?" when really it's just normal life. One thing I believe would help is if people were more welcoming to the idea of sharing issues in their life. I obviously understand that some things are personal, but it would help to be able to relate to other people instead of thinking that it only happens to me. With social media and people sharing "the good parts", it makes knowing there are bad parts *for everyone* far more difficult.

[uni]

Yeah, you guys are bang on the main fear, which is "I hope this works out and it doesn't turn out to be a big mistake". It's the usual anxieties kicking in. So I'm reminding myself of the foundation he and I have been building for several years, and it helps me feel more confident. This is new territory; it will take a while to find my (and our) sea legs.

One day at a time, as usual. Use my tools, as usual. Be aware of communication (I forget that one a lot). Take care of myself. Have a little faith, share the love, and enjoy this part of the journey. Writing the words here is helping me settle my thoughts.

I'm very grateful for this forum and the feedback I get, and I'm open to more, because it's been a lo-o-ong time since I've lived with somebody.

[Fighting back]

Uni, I am truly happy for you. Life is better when it is shared. Such a change will bring about some degree of nervous thought, but there is nothing wrong or unnatural about that. I know you want this to work and I think you deserve to be happy, so give it your best and concentrate on the benefits rather than potential pitfalls.

Nobody has quoted Red Green lately, but I'm pulling for ya, we're all in this together!

[uni]

Thanks Red Green and Fighting Back, I can use the reminder that I'm not alone here!

Unfortunately it appears my nervousness was not without reason. We haven't been living together a month yet, and my b/f has gone "walkabout". By this I mean he felt the need to go away for a few days to sort out his thoughts and feelings. Oh boy.

That's the short version. There was a simmering issue, a difference of opinion that I (but obviously not he) had come to liveable terms with, that came to a head when I did something I thought would be a good idea, and it turned out to be a bad idea. Short of writing a novel here, suffice it to say that all the work we've put in, and all the love we have for one another, has obviously not been enough to deter something like this from happening. My mind is going everywhere, and my emotions want to follow all the way to the worst case scenario, which is not helpful.

He left on Tuesday and is supposed to be back tomorrow. Meanwhile we texted briefly and had one phone call, which went very badly and has done nothing for my frame of mind. I've been too antsy to journal or share about any of this in a post until now.

Aside from poking my nose in here on the forum, I'm leaning on a couple of friends and going to extra support group meetings, talking with God, reading, and getting out for coffee, shopping, web-surfing, and other distractions. Today I took a bubble bath and tried to concentrate on reading something light while soaking. I've cried a little but not much. I swing from being anxious to angry to hopeful to frustrated to sad to scared to fairly calm to disappointed to loving
to majorly pissed off . There are also, somewhat surprisingly, short periods of time in which I actually have peace of mind. They are nice while they last.

I find myself feeling guilty for somehow causing this by not having the same point of view as him. All of this only serves to get me feeling victimized. Luckily I get fed up with feeling like a victim after a while and realize I'm actually a pretty not too bad person overall, and then I feel better. I remember that he and I are both children of God, and nobody is the bad guy. Then I try to have a little faith that somehow this is all happening for a reason, and I'm only seeing the trees in front of my eyes, not the forest from Google Earth Then I forget all this positive stuff and go back to the icky feelings again, and come around once more.

So I'm treading water.

I know I have zero control over what is going on in his head, only in my own. On the one hand, knowing that isn't so great, as it contributes to being on pins and needles, but on the other hand at least I recognize the fact and am trying to let go of what I have no power over. And that's about the size of it.

[catman]

I'm sorry to hear, Uni. Oh boy do I have some experience with differing opinions. I find I'm a fairly reasonable person, but I do not like people who think they can't change or compromise (angry thoughts of past creeping in). That's besides the point though. What your going through right now is definitely one of the best opportunities for anxiety to scream I TOLD YOU SO in your head over and over again. If your anxiety can be anything like mine, I sometimes without knowing, feel the slightest bit of pride knowing that I was right in my assumption that things would fall apart. I'm trying to do the whole "would you rather be right or happy thing", but honestly that just doesn't cut it sometimes. Of course your emotions would be all over the place, as is your mind. I can only hope that things will work out for the best for you, and your boyfriend can clear his mind and find some peace with whatever the situation. I can feel that you want this to work. As you appear to find strength in religion, I hope that can continue to provide comfort for you until the grey skies part. I know the worst of it is just waiting until then... As sad as this sounds, when my anxiety or depression creeps in, I just try to get through the day. I honestly barely care how it goes, as long as I get through it - that's an accomplishment on its own.

My thoughts are with you, and I hope it all works out for the best.

[AJ]

Hi Uni. I'm working on a iPad today so I won't be too wordy. Sorry to hear about your relationship issues. I've learnt to give my spouse time apart when it's needed, but honestly I'd be upset if that meant them leaving the house for more than a few hours. I would also expect an honest respectful conversation to happen upon their return.I hope things get sorted out sooner then later Uni. PM me if you feel like 'chatting'.

[paul m]

Hello Uni. I'm sorry that this has happened to you and your partner. It's tough when something like this happens and even tougher to sort it all out. There is always so much anger and self doubt involved that sometimes it's difficult to figure out what the real issues and just how to sort everything out.

I don't know what caused the blow up, but long simmering issues have a tendency to boil over. No two people on this planet have exactly the same point of view on everything. Some couples will say they do, but in my experience that only happens when one partner is totally dominated by the other one and afraid to express their opinion or they have only been together for a short time.

In our marriage my wife's worse fault is not wanting to deal once and for all with an issue and my worse failing is once we deal with an issue is pushing the envelope. My wife doesn't like to deal with difficult issues because she would rather go along and hope they go away(and sometimes they do) and I push the envelope because I figure if a little of something is good, then a lot is better(and sometimes I'm right).

However we both have came to realize that there never is a perfect answer over some issues and some issues are just never going to go away no matter how much we discuss them and try to find solutions. So one of us has to give in. Right now I'd say we are at about 50-50 in who gives in, but that is over a very long run.

In regards to leaving for a bit and coming back in a few days. At one time or another both my wife and I have done that. At one time a lot of TV sitcoms made whole shows out of a person leaving and going back home to stay with their mother for a few days after a major disagreement. That doesn't make it right, but it does illustrate that what happened is not altogether unusual. I don't think I ever went home to my mother's but I did stay at friends for a couple of days while I sorted items through my mind. Once again, I don't really think that staying at friends or my wife staying at her Mom's for a few days was a good way to handle things , but I cannot lie and say that it never happened in our marriage.

However it doesn't matter what I've done, what matters is how this affects you and what you can live with or live without in the long term. I hope that you both find resolutions to your problems and I wish you luck in making the difficult decisions that you will have to make in the coming days. As has been said. I'm pulling for you. Take Care. paul m

[uni]

I really appreciate everyone's feedback and support. It's a great help!

Things have calmed down, at least for the moment, and I'm feeling relieved about that.

B/f returned home as promised, but the vibes were iffy. I'd prepared myself (as much as one can) for the possibility of him gathering up his stuff and leaving for good. Instead, we sat down and had a bull-by-the-horns talk.

I had determined ahead of time to focus on listening to whatever he had to say, and not butt in and 'beak off' as a knee-jerk reaction. That went reasonably well. I'd also determined to ask him to answer (not *tell* him to answer) a few questions. That went reasonably well also. I took my turn at expressing my own thoughts and feelings. To his credit, B/f conducted himself respectfully and honestly as well.

It became apparent that each of us must come to terms within ourselves with our fear-based thoughts and behaviours. Because fear (big surprise) is underneath the whole thing. How he plans to address his I'm not sure, and that's his call, but I'll be addressing mine by soul-searching, talking with my psychologist, and whatever other tools in my toolbox that seem relevant. I'll do the best I can, and I believe he'll do the same. I don't expect this issue to disappear, in fact I expect it to re-appear from time to time, so we have to have some way of handling it when it does or we'll find ourselves back at square one again.

As usual, this is all easier said than done. And I'm getting tired of earthquake rumblings and potential volcanic eruptions. Still, I'm hopeful.

One thing I know for sure: I have today, and today is ok

[paul m]

Hello Uni. I'm glad that you are smiling. In regards to issues reappearing, they probably will. As mentioned mine do. Sometimes, we handle that reappearance successfully, sometimes not so much. Often what often appears to be a totally unrelated argument is in fact based on some fear that one of us has from our past. That is where careful listening comes in. Listening is an art and a very hard hard art form to learn. Or at least for me it has been.

Living with someone smart enough to have a real personality and a strong stance on issues is sometimes better than living with someone with no mind or who doesn't care about much (or at least as far as I'm concerned). Even though the person with no real personality may seem easier to live with, often it's that strong personality that brings a lot of fun and enjoyment to our life. While two strong personalities can clash, they can also have a lot of fun together.

One final hint and I don't know if this applies in your relationship or not, but it does apply in a lot of relationships. " The average guy doesn't take subtle hints very well" . I have come to learn that when my wife gently drops the hint over supper that "Christmas is only 6 weeks away", that does not mean that we have a lot of shopping time left, rather it means that she is seriously stressed out about not being able to get the things that she wants for people before they are all sold out and that rather than watching TV this weekend I'd better get my butt in gear and drive her to several malls to do the shopping.

I'm hope that your happiness continues. Take Care. paul m

[AJ]

Thanks for the update Uni. It sounds like there was some progress on his return. I hope things settle down and move forward in a positive way.

[uni]

"A real personality and a strong stance on issues" - I like how you say that so diplomatically Paul Anyway b/f both know there's work to do yet, but so far, so good. A day at a time....

[uni]

Things have been going quite well with the relationship. I feel quite hopeful, but not completely trusting that b/f won't get into a twist again. I think that is understandable. Just letting time pass now until things are on more solid ground again. Yesterday we went to a street fair, mixed with friends and family, and had a lovely time. I think it was just the sort of thing we needed.

[paul m]

Hello Uni. I'm glad that things are going better. If you ever learn how not to argue, please give the missus and I some pointers LOL. We should know by know how not to argue stupidly, but every once and a while one of us will start a really dumb argument that can turn nasty quickly. By dumb argument, I mean something that two rational people should be able to discuss quietly and come to an agreement on quickly.

Judging from what I have seen from my friends( and the missus and I) over the years, the phrases "I told you so", or "you are always like that" or "why don't you just get over that", or "I thought that we had that settled" etc. are sure fire ways to start an argument that can be a real barn burner.

One of the ways that my wife and I have learned to avoid some (not all) disastrous arguments is to agree to stop before we get going too heavily and agree to re visit the subject several days in the future to discuss the item when our emotions aren't running quite so high. I don't know about any one else, but once I'm mad (as in upset, not crazy LOL) I become a less than even minded individual. Take Care. paul m P.S. also anyone who wants to discuss a controversial subject when I first wake up is just asking an argument, whereas my wife, being a morning person , prefers to discuss things in the morning. Figuring that one out caused the occasional difficulty LOL.