Finally made it here

[que moi]

Hello,

I have been reading this forum for many years, tried a few times but never managed to register. Thanks to A J here I am now for the very first time participating actively. Reaching out for you. Because there is noone else. And I don't want to be isolated. Not any more. Isolated in the middle of the crowd. Unable to share. Too shy to try or to sceptical about the chances of being understood.

I have tried so many times, wanted to tell about myself and my life.To find someone. Just one person that would truly understand. Dreaming of a real friend. Facebook never worked. Too few or too many read what was never meant for them. Or thought it was meant for them when it was not. Whatever... anonymity is a must for me. Because I want to be able to speak freely. And speak only to friendly ears.

I have always felt different. Something inner I could never share. The only person that I tried to open up to was my late mother. Always felt sad for no reason until life gave me enough reasons. After failing my marriage and facing the death of my only child sadness was accepted and yet - as terrible as it was - - it was not and is not any worse than before. Perhaps a certain numbness still I would not talk openly about this. It's like a sacrilege.

I have no diagnoses and will never get any. I just feel so sad and lonely all the time. Sometimes I Wonder if I don't like people. I am tough with myself and others an

This will have to do as a sort of introduction. I have want to speaks here for years. Now the word see suck insider me. But I try. And I Thank you all for being there. You have help me many times whith your advices, your honest and touchen confidences and your wonderful humor, lagring at yourselves and never mocking others. Wonderful acceptansen that I hope will include me.

/que moi

[paul m]

Hello que moi and welcome. Please feel free to ask questions, answer other people's questions, tell us about yourself, post articles and/or use it to vent out some of life's frustrations.

We will certainly accept you and we are not judgmental. Although like you, some of us can be tough on ourselves. Sounds like you have had some tough times in your life, please feel free to share whatever parts of that, that you wish too.

Through this forum and another one that I moderate I've made friends with people who I still keep in touch with even though they haven't been on a forum in years. I won't say that the friendships that I've made are extremely close, but they certainly are welcome and sincere . So welcome and Take Care. paul m

[AJ]

Welcome to the forum que moi. Thank you for sharing some of yourself with us. It sounds like your journey has taken you through some very difficult times. You'll find this to be a very welcoming group of people. Post anytime, as little or as often as you would like to.

[que moi]

Thank you paul m and AJ for your friendly welcome.

The fact that I am welcome here means a lot to me. Being welcome as I am. I do not feel that I belong anywhere and that saddens me a lot. Sometimes. Sometimes I just accept it. I tried other forums and one more or less excluded me. I wanted to tell about some horrible thoughts that gave me paranoia. I was afraid to get mocked and did not dear to write in an honest style. Ended up as the laughing stock of my village. Or so it felt. Tried to show none of my exaggerated sadness. Because I reached out. And I was let down so hard. When you try and fail it feels worse than having never tried.

In retrospect I realise that I got all that I was afraid of. Except terrible diseeses. At least I must appreciate that.

I must not let that encourage me. I must be brave and honest here and you will not laugh at me.

Today I feel better than before. More hopeful of finding inner peace. Acceptance is a first step and I made it here.

Thank you!

[paul m]

Hello que moi . You can feel safe telling us about your stories. Please feel free to ask questions or answer other people's questions as well. Thx and Take Care. paul m

[AJ]

I agree with Paul. This is a safe place to share whatever you chose to share.

[Stenacron Man]

You just took the biggest step of your life and it was the right one YOU POSTED congratulations. I know about losing a child I did 20 years ago and I have never been right since. We actually have a lot in common that we can talk about either here or in a PM. It can be difficult to open up in a public setting. But know this nobody here can see you, know where you are, nor would do anything to hurt you in anyway. Mentally ill people are generally very emotionally dynamic, and possess more empathy and sympathy than we need. My ears are open and I have lots of time.


Buddy Mack

[que moi]

Thank you for your kind responses.

Sometimes I think living with my child kept me sane. I had to have regular habits and I could for example never drink because I never knew when I had to go with her to the hospital.

Now I try to live a somewhat regular life but sometimes I wonder if a had a mental problem all the time waiting for my total loneliness to break out. Or if it is the grief that makes me feel so... disconnected to the world.

I did have clear episodes of paranoia due to the stress of having a child not behaving like others and having met some very ignorant people that connected my childs behavior with my capabilities of being a good parent. For years I lived with the anxiety of not being able to take care of my child and having her taken away from me. But that did not happen. She lived with me until her death. That is a great confort to me. Because I know I never let her down.

Thank you for being there.

[Stenacron Man]

This is great that you are opening up this will only help you. Please feel free to talk more. The more you say the more we can relate to each other and in the end help each other. The forum concept is kind of like getting to see a psychologist but it free and we really know what we are talking about we didn't read it in a book we lived it. It was wonderful that you had the chance to be with your child all the way to the end. That makes it easier on the child have that, but it makes it very hard for you. So far its sound like you did awesome you should be proud.


Buddy Mack.

[que moi]

Some weeks ago I had a dream about my daughter.

She was only a few years old. She was happy and unmarked by her diseease. I threw her up in the air and then caught her when she was falling down. She was happy and laughed so much...

It was a good dream!

[Stenacron Man]

That was a great dream I hope you have it more often. Now that make you feel great How old was she if it is ok to ask.

Buddy Mack

[que moi]

Hello Stenacron Man,

My daughter was only eleven years old when she left.
In her mind she was like a small child. She had a terrible epilepsy that gradually destroyed her brain. As a small child she was a little genius. And she always wanted to be a good girl. She had no idea of how her behavior affected other people. Her body growned but her mind never grew. Att 55 kilos she still jumped up in my lap and tried to tickle me.

Would you like to tell me about your child and what happened? I don't know how it is for you but I like very much to talk about my daughter. Probably it is a way for me to keep her here some how. I never want to forget her. And I never will.