General Topics Boundaries

[Kaight]

Good afternoon all,

During a meeting at a metal health group I belong to the subject of 'boundaries' came up; I realized I didn't really understand what the term meant in the context of relationships. I found the book "Transform Your Boundaries" by Sarri Gilman, and recently started reading it. I am starting to get an idea of what boundaries are, but still feel very unsure that I can identify them within myself.

I am still in the first few chapters, and the author is emphasizing the importance of the 'little voice inside our head' - the one, she claims, that knows what is best for us. She goes on to say that people with boundary issues have often lost touch with the voice, and that is why they have a struggle identifying what their boundaries are.

I have a hard time trusting the voice in my head. Here is a quote from my journal on the subject: "One voice says I'm making a big mistake, one says go for it... and for the life of me I can't figure out which one is the devil and which one is the angel."

I would really love to hear what everyone else has to say about their "little voice". Any and all comments and/or anecdotes would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Kaight

[AJ]

My 'little voice' knows exactly what's best for me. Unfortunately the rest of me has a misguided belief that everyone else"s needs should come first. I had a very good therapist that once said, you are not more important than anyone else, but you are JUST as important.

[MissMoods]

This is actually something I typically handle quite well. I cannot be made to do something I don't want to and I know where to draw the lines. I think there are two basic things you could consider to get you started, the voice in your head will often signal when someone is pressing up against your boundaries. It is typically an uncomfortable feeling. If this doesn't happen it may just mean you need to clearly define what your boundaries are, what you are unwilling to accept or sacrifice. Another way to cultivate boundaries is simply practising say "no" even if it makes you initially feel guilty, it will smooth out in time. I think setting boundaries is really important work, power to you!

[Kaight]

Thanks for the encouragement Miss Moods! I also appreciate the reminder that boundary work is uncomfortable - I have often believed that if i feel uncomfortable, it is because I am making the wrong choice... because of this I have backed myself into a lot of corners... and ended up really uncomfortable.

K.

[uni]

I have trouble with interpreting that little voice sometimes. I try to at least recognize when it's trying to get my attention.

In my case it often comes down to fear. Is the little voice giving me a warning signal to watch my boundaries (sensing a real threat of some sort, however small) , or is it overreacting to some past situation that no longer requires as strong a boundary (a perceived threat only, not real). Makes me stop and consider. I'm getting better at sorting out the difference with practice.

I like the times when the little voice gives me a message that immediately feels right. Sometimes I know the message is right, but I carry on against it, hoping it's wrong. Usually this doesn't lead anywhere good in the long run.