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    Pleased to meet you, I must be going

    Hi Everyone, I'm Moralis,

    This is only my second time posting to the forum, so please excuse me for just barging in and unloading my crisis... but it's been ongoing, it's about to boil to a head, and I simply don't know where else to turn. I'm probably not even posting to the proper type of forum as I believe the 'perceived mood disorders' I experience are most likely triggered by many years of untreated, unmedicated schizophrenia. 'In general terms', I'm commonly referred to as being agoraphobic because I've been reclusive and tend to put a great deal of effort into maintaining 100% privacy, seclusion and isolation, 100% of the time, with ZERO tolerance for physical social interaction with human beings. My thirst for absolute invisibility is so intense that it's actually become the most important thing to me... more important than life itself, which in turn makes it impossible to step away from, especially given the fact that I really have no genuine desire to do so. Those from the outside who may occasionally attempt to intervene are perceived as evasive and aggressive. They cause me a great deal of stress and anxiety which leads to depression, anger, rage and unpredictable behaviour. It seems these interveners are only wired to think one way... and forcefully attempt to smother me with unwanted attention because of their assumption that I must be lonely. They just don't seem to understand that I have never once experienced feelings of loneliness in my life, and can only find my happiness, focus, peace and contentment on the other side of that fence. Solitude IS my medicine.

    Now with my prelude out of the way, I should probably get to the point of my post before anyone tries to analyze something other that what I'm here today to ask.

    My crisis is that I most certainly will be forced to leave my long time safe location very soon, with absolutely nothing waiting for me on the outside. I'm about to lose everything I own, and have absolutely no plan as to where I'll be going. Homelessness seems to be the only default here... but we all know that a homeless person who avoids others at all cost, surely won't last very long out there. Yes, that's a grim scenario, but I'm actually more concerned about securing my belongings that I will need if I'm to keep going.

    The first order of business and what I think I need most is medication... something that might allow me to tolerate society long enough to establish a bank account and come face to face with doctors and other professional help. I've become exhausted over the years running through lists of phone numbers that only get me further lists of phone numbers, which only get me further lists of phone numbers and line transfers to other departments which only put me back where I began. The crisis lines rush to end the call unless you fake a suicide attempt. Help lines want your name, address and health card number before knowing why you called. My family doctor has retired... and I don't believe I could get past a trip to the clinic, a reception desk and a waiting room without something really bad happening. I'd probably wind up getting gunned down by police or something if I stopped for a cup of coffee along the way. Conversation most often has a potential of going south very quickly.

    PLEASE, if someone here knows of a qualified councilor who can start an immediate session with me online or over the phone and help get me some medicine, I would very kindly appreciate it. It may very well be the single greatest and most important thing anyone has ever done for me. I simply cannot think of anything else to do. This is it. All my cards are on the table right here.

    Thanks for listening

    ~Moralis

    #2
    Hello Moralis. Thanks for sharing so honestly about your situation. My heart goes out to you, it sounds like you're in a tough spot. I'm givingg you just a quick answer because I have a zoom meeting to attend shortly. This is not to brush you off, but to let you know somebody is out here and has read your post.

    My first thought is that if you need someone to help you get medicine, a counselor can't do that directly. Only a medical doctor/psychiatrist etc. can prescribe something. I must go now, but will come back later. Meanwhile, perhaps someone else will chime in.

    uni

    ~ it's always worth it ~

    Comment


      #3
      CMHA is offering over the phone counselling in many regions. Have you reached out to your doctor to discuss your symptoms? Perhaps they can refer you to a psychiatrist. Many psychiatrists are completing sessions online and they may be able to offer you some suggestions. I would look up services that assist with emergency housing and contact them.

      Mocha 231

      Comment


        #4
        Hello again Moralis. It seems to me like there are two things involved; first, medication and second, counseling. I'm not sure which your are wanting, or maybe it doesn't matter as long as there's someone to help start things rolling.

        I get what you mean about phoning and getting passed on to other numbers. It seems to happen far too often. It sounds like you're looking for a recommendation for a direct line to someone - do I have that right? If so, I wish I had one but I don't. All I can think of is to try calling the clinic where your family doctor used to work. It might cut through some red tape because you're already on file. Where I live, the family doctors are doing a lot of telephone appointments which they never did before the pandemic, so this might work in your favour. Even if all you got to do was talk to a doctor they might be able to prescribe medication and/or give you a line to counseling. And none of it would have to be face to face. Those are my thoughts anyway.
        uni

        ~ it's always worth it ~

        Comment


          #5
          Hi Moralis and welcome to the forum. I'm just wondering if you have a friend or a family member that can help you get connected with the support you need? Pressing numbers on a phone, deciphering websites and following links to services can be overwhelming when you're not feeling up to the task.
          AJ

          Humans punish themselves endlessly
          for not being what they believe they should be.
          -Don Miguel Ruiz-

          Comment


            #6
            Thank you very kindly uni, Mocha231 and AJ for your replies and encouraging words,

            I'd have returned for my reply sooner, had I not been dealing with a local charity who graciously left a very much needed food donation at my back door, ~phew. This has been the only person to cross my property in the past 7 weeks. If I ever find myself in a position where I'm able to give something back to my community, these guys will certainly be at the very top of my priority list.

            I should mention first off that I have not accessed medical services or been to see my family doctor in at least 19 years. He has since retired and my file has gone dormant. His present replacement staff have no idea who I am, tend to be a bit rude and dismissive on the phone, and I'm not at all comfortable with various changes I'm told they've made around the clinic. I guess it's a good thing to know they aren't the only players in town, and I could probably go elsewhere easily enough if I didn't have such an issue with standard procedures and protocol. And it's at this point where I start getting a bit tongue-tied, feeling awkward, and sensing that I'm about to say something... unintentionally explosive...

            You're reading a post written by someone who NEVER answers a knock at the door, who NEVER walks past a window with an open curtain, who NEVER answers a phone without knowing the caller ID tag. My first impulse reaction to the sound of a smoke alarm is to hide in a closet and bar the door closed. I believe I've suffered two heart attacks but refused to call 911 to avoid coming face to face with paramedics... and while I believed I was about to die on the floor, only worried about not having the strength to stash my own body before someone saw me. My doctor who was still in practise at the time knows nothing about it. I've even performed a few surgical procedures on myself, without pain relief... and the list goes on. I only share this information for the sake of explaining the extent I'll take things to maximize privacy... and I maximize privacy because I know what happens inside me if I don't. Even the briefest, split second physical encounters with people often linger with me for weeks on end, and fester into some very deep dark horrible places within. It's encounters with people I know best and are closest to who hurt the most in their lingering wake, while strangers are easier to forget but much more likely to trigger an instant response. An example of this would be the security guard I once tackled at a pharmacy. He was standing cross-armed in the middle of the exit door with his chest puffed up. When I turned around and saw someone blocking the exit with an aggressive stance, I felt enclosed and unsafe, and it occurred to me that he was putting the safety of everyone in the store in jeopardy. With a sudden rush of adrenaline, and without a second thought I swiftly took down the bad guy. In some situations, the trigger can be as simple as someone making eye contact.

            I only shared this information as a means of expressing what crosses my mind when someone suggests that I simply make a doctor's appointment and run through the usual procedure as anyone else would. I analyze the travel, the reception desk, the waiting room... and my imagination just bursts into flames. I feel the panic before ever placing a call to make an appointment and decline in effort to find a better, safer alternative. Ideally, I'd like to medicate and be well lubricated before such physical interaction. Perhaps there's a clinic that would allow me to slip in through a back door and meet with the doctor in a dark room. To be quite honest however, I tend to think that a requirement for physical presence is completely unnecessary, and perhaps a tad silly. I have such a hard time subscribing to quirky things like that.

            As for the questions about friends and family, hmmm. I have only two family members... one who owns the house I'm living in, but is presently in hospital care and at no capacity to offer much to this situation, or any other situation. The other is an estranged evil sibling who's been out of the scene altogether for the past 35 years, but has suddenly shown up to laugh at my situation and make threats that I'm about to get kicked to the curb while they scavenge through what's left and make plans for an early retirement. They want my remaining time on the property to be as uncomfortable as possible in hopes it might help speed the process. My search for meaningful and/or resourceful old friends has sadly returned an alarming number of obituaries, most of the living have relocated to distant places, or simply cannot be found. I'm at a complete loss trying to find someone close enough that could drop me off a loaf of bread.

            I believe I've covered all the main questions asked. I apologize for being so wordy. I'll try really hard to tone it down a bit with future posts.

            Thank you all for your caring support,

            ~Moralis


            Comment


              #7
              Hi Moralis. After reading your last post I'm wondering if you would consider Mocha231's suggestion of CMHA over the phone counselling? It would not have the challenges of leaving the house. It might be a place to start.
              AJ

              Humans punish themselves endlessly
              for not being what they believe they should be.
              -Don Miguel Ruiz-

              Comment


                #8
                Hello and thank you once again for your reply AJ,

                I'll keep this brief as I have SO many things on the ol' burner today... and I must admit that I'm feeling rather fatigued, and just not having a very good day overall.

                I've tried several times to reach CMHA today (as I have on other days), but I keep getting snagged up in the automated call-answer system. I listen through the menus, key in appropriate selections, I hear some human voices, some robotic... a ring here and a ring there... more robots... then my call gets thrown with a fast busy signal. Then I try again. The farthest I've ever been able to get with this number (on previous days) is a voicemail box, but I hang up on it because it doesn't allow me an anonymous introduction and a chance feel what I'm getting myself involved with. I do have their website open though, and plan to try again using a number to a different province. I know it's not an ideal solution, but it may allow me to reach a live operator who can further assist.

                I'm really hoping I can fix my head and regain the ability to function and communicate socially before getting tossed into a shared social-active trap with no escape hatch. That's where it all needs to begin.

                Thanks again for your patience and kind support,

                ~Moralis


                - "Some things in life simply can't be fixed with money"

                Comment


                  #9
                  Moralis can I ask which CMHA office you are trying to contact? I can try to get through and see if I can help you figure out how to connect with someone. I would also suggest reaching out to a helpline where someone will definitely pick up. Some of these automated systems can be very hard to navigate. I have also experienced this issue in the past when I was trying to reach out to a business.

                  Mocha 231

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Hi Mocha231,

                    I appreciate your reply. To go a step further I'll say I'd been calling the provincial service line with a huge menu of staff mailbox extensions and whatnot, and was just about to give up until Google informed me that a smaller local branch office exists. I called and reached a live clinician on the second ring who also claimed to be having troubles using the provincial number. He kept me on the line at least 20 minutes and gave me a couple of phone numbers. I hadn't noticed until after the call that both numbers he gave me are already on my list... but I'll call them again in the morning when things open back up.

                    And if they give me a couple of numbers, and so on... I'll probably call and shake up my former doctor's office again. Maybe it will be Bad-nurse's day off and I'll find a break.

                    ~Moralis

                    Comment


                      #11
                      I have my fingers crossed for you Moralis. I hope there is progress for you tomorrow!
                      uni

                      ~ it's always worth it ~

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