Hypomania

[bibiane]

Why can't we always be hypomanic? O.k. I get it... other members of our families and many friends have a difficult time dealing with us and understanding or even keeping up with us. But I feel that I am at my best when hypomanic. I function... I laugh... I live... I accomplish things... Then the bomb hits... I become very depressed about everything and life slowly becomes a burden. I can't function, no longer laugh, even have a difficult time taking a shower or brushing my teeth. Oh yes there is this balance most doctors talk about but for me it's either hypomania or depression... And if I had a choice I would choose hypomania and live with some of its negative consequences rather than depression which basically means that life stops. Your comments or advice on this?

[astronaut]

I agree, it would be nice to have hypomania and no depression. I think most people would agree with this but I'm not sure what kind of advice you would like. Some people find it harder to get at that state of balance that you referred to--it can take years to sort out. But the good thing is that in a state of balance we can still "function, laugh, live" and "accomplish" things. You don't need to be hypomanic to feel okay again.

I wish I could say something more inspiring for you right now because you sound so lost. Keep doing the best you can do because that in itself is a huge accomplishment even though it may not feel like it compared to the old you. This is you now, and you are working just as hard as the old you but you've got some handicaps (depression) to deal with. Also, although you may not feel like you are living anymore, you still are alive. There is something alive in you somewhere in this moment even if it is so small that you can barely even feel it. I know that when I am really, really depressed, I don't even think I can name that thing that is still alive only that it must be there somewhere. I will think more about that.

I hope you have a better day today!
astronaut

[uni]

. I can't function, no longer laugh, even have a difficult time taking a shower or brushing my teeth.

Bibiane, I know how that feels. I've been pushing myself with those things lately too. My sense of humour also has become very flat. These times do pass, that I know, but it can seem like forever. I'm having some better moments though, and hope you soon will too.

As for the hypomania, I'm never sure what that's supposed to feel like, or how to distinguish it from simply being happy and productive. How do you yourself know it's hypomania, if you don't mind me asking?

[bibiane]

I know when I am manic or hypomanic because my family tells me for one. They notice that I talk too much and I am loud and I want to accomplish too much in very little time. I have huge plans and never complete any of them. I also know because I feel like I'm on top of the world and I want to save it! I have so much energy and never seem to get tired. I am happy and want everyone to be happy. I become very creative and have so many ideas for projects and art work and writing... I create new recipes... I am living! I am no longer just existing and waiting for life to happen cause I make it happen. I can't sleep but I am often exausted because my days are so full. Yep that sounds about right... NO DEPRESSION... Only LIFE... but for some reason my family does not see it that way... they see it as me being a burden and a tough act to follow. They are always afraid I will leave and go on some sort of adventure...

[paul m]

Hello Bibiane. You ask a good question, one that everyone has a different answer too. Many people would like to remain at least lightly hypomanic and I can understand why some people would enjoy that.

For me, hypomania is a pretty rotten place, I don't very often get lightly hypomanic, I go almost fully manic and sometimes I zip right through hypomania and go right to full bore mania.

I have two big problems when I'm pretty hypomanic. One I'm not a nice guy. I don't care about anyone except for myself. I can be the life of the party when I'm like this, but only because I want to be the life of the party and if I trample all over someone else's life that's just too bad. . Two, I tend to get myself into a lot of trouble that has permanent consequences. Three, because I am basically a nice guy, my behaviour when hypomanic, really haunts me when I come crashing down. I still have nightmares about things that I have done while hypomanic

The times when I'm only lightly hypomanic, I tend to have mixed states and I'm full of energy but miserable and moody.

But that's me and perhaps nobody else. I've heard many times people say that they wish that they could remain hypomanic.

Of course the most important thing for me now that my life has stabilized is that overall I really enjoy my life, whereas for a lot of years I hated my life even when I appeared to be successful. Take Care. paul m

[bibiane]

Hi Paul,

Again thank you for sharing. I tend to be pretty angry when hypomanic but I still prefer it to being depressed. It does make my life a whole lot harder to manage but at least I have a life. I know that the best place is when I can have a balance but for some reason I don't get to that place very often. Maybe it's me and maybe it's the meds.; I'm not sure.

[astronaut]

Yeah Paul, now that you mention it, I can relate a little bit to your experience of hypomania. Although overall, my "hypomania's" have been pretty good times, I can have increased agitation and irritability and if that turns into a "mixed" episode, then I'd rather just have plain, old depression than the odd, somewhat contradictory instance of being both depressed and manic at the same time. But then again, every episode for me is a little different so I just don't know how it will be. I've never experienced a manic episode before.

[paul m]

Helo Bibiane. It can take a while to sort everything out and get to a sort of neutal zone. I was made worse for a fair while because my meds were wrong. Plus I did a lot of things wrong simply because I didn't know any better. Example, my doc never told me to slow up on drinking so I thought having 5-6 beer, 2-3 days a week with the boys was ok. Turns out that I can't handle that much booze AND bipolar. Not that 10-15 beer a week is a lot, but it was too much for me for me.

Another example is: my early docs never ever discussed triggers with me. There are certain things that will make me become hypomanic or depressed no matter how much medication I take. A lack of information, made it nearly impossible to get better as I would keep doing things that would trigger episodes. If I had known about triggers and had a doc sat down and discussed them with me, I would have became better much sooner

I can understand your frustration and I'm certainly not saying that you are doing anything wrong. But keep fighting and looking for answers and maybe someday you'll find a balance that you can be happy with. In the meantime you have my sympathy .Take Care. paul m

Hello Astronaut. Full mania can be much like hypomania (with a few hallucinations, paranoia etc thrown in). It's not a place that I liked visiting very often. However the truth is the line between hypomania and mania can be really hard to see. Often my hallucinations involved taste (we can hallucinate in any of our 5 senses) and most of my delusions were so mild that people did not really notice them or I just kept them to myself.

But I agree with you, I truly hate mixed states and I think that they are wayyyyy under diagnosed. Take Care. paul m

[bibiane]

Wow I am getting so much information confirming and explaining so many things for me. Thank you everyone. Now I know I need to find a new therapist who will work with me on my bipolar dis. The one I have now has done a great job helping me cope with PTSD but now I need to address the BP and she does not have that kind of a background.

[astronaut]

Hi bibiane,

That is great to hear that you seem to have a clearer sense about what you may need in terms of therapy that you can't get from the person you are seeing right now. I think that your observation is really important to tell her and your pdoc. I hope they can set you up with someone to help you learn more about the bipolar part of your struggles.

take care,
astronaut

[uni]

I'm glad the information here is helping you, Bibiane. I hope you find a pdoc who can help you out with the bipolar.

[dave]

Hello Bibiane, I hope that you have success with regulating your moods. During times when my depression was the most severe and I almost never felt "normal" the periodic hypomanic episodes that I had were a welcome relief. The main problem for me however was that when I became manic or hypomanic each episode was immediately followed by a more severe depressive episode than what I was typically experiencing. For me these severe ups and downs were devastating. My mood is a bit more stable than it was this time last year and I have a bit more "normal" time. I think this is partly because of medication, partly because of coping skills I have learned and (maybe) I am beginning to recover somewhat? (However not as much or as fast as I would like). Bipolar disorder is a terrible advesary. I would encourage you to seek professional care but to also make time to learn as much as you can about the disorder so that you have other tools to manage this illness. Manic symptoms for me are undesireable because I know what follows and similar to Paul these episodes influence me to behave in a manner that is inconsistent with who I feel I truely am. Mania makes me irritable, impatient, arrogant, irrational...not the person I want to be. I used to think it was better than depression when depression was always present an unrelenting but now I would choose neither. "Normal" isn't quite as exciting or entertaining as manic but "normal" is still better for me. My goal is to find stability and stay normal as much as possible. However your hypomanic episodes may be different. You may not experience as many negatives as I have from these episodes. Also, even though my kids think I am more fun when manic they don't see the downsides (overspending, irresponsibility, etc...) But I have sympathy for my poor wife during these episodes as living with me has to be exhausting. Part of the issue with mania is that it clouds our perception. Things that seem reasonable to me when I am manic are clearly not from the perspective of others or to me either after the mania has disipated. For example, when my wife and kids and I are driving to the grocery store and I decide it would be a great idea away for a few days...not on the weekend, but right now, no reservations, no money, no days scheduled off from work...just keep driving and figure the rest out later. Anyway I'm rambling on. - wish you well.

[bibiane]

Thank you Dave. I was reading this and realized you were practically describing me... wow... I know YOU get it and do the rest of you. Thank you so much... I guess it's up to me to find a way to get to that 'normal' time as often as I can... Have a great 'normal' day!

Nicole