Hey there everyone. I'm new on here so bear with me, lol. First, a little background on myself. I'm a average 37 year old guy who's married, has 3 kids, good job and pretty set in life. Well, things are taking a turn. I've noticed for years that something was just not right in my head. I get worked up easily, meaning, somedays, not all, but some days, every little thing irritates the heck out of me, stupid small stuff, for example, if my coffee cup from leaking when I go through the drive through, usually, I blow it off, but sometimes, I get so irritated, I'll through it out the car window and rant on for an hour over this. I can feel my blood pressure shoot sky high and almost like I'm running on auto, just acting on impulse. My wife would say to relax, it's just coffee. Well, I understand this, but my brain just doesn't except it. Stupid small stuff like this. I also yell a lot when I get worked up. I start sweating, racing my speech, yelling and my wife would say I'm stuck on a loop. I keep repeating something that happened a few hours ago and try to justify why I acted like this but after awhile, it sounds stupid, even to myself. I'd go through a few days acting like this and then i crash. I get depressed, miss work, cry which I never really have not done before and feel like why even live anymore. I promised my wife I'd go and get checked out. So, back in May, I went to my family doctors, he put me on 300mg wellbutrin and 1mg Ativan 4xs a day when needed. This seemed to do the trick. I was happy, things that used to anger me, I can now laugh at or at least, breathe through it without letting anyone know I was upset. It was a relief. Well, things took a turn October 1st. I went to work and my employer had to confront me regarding my attendance. I just kept saying that it was a personal issue but things are better now. Well, when I got wrote up for my attendance, I snapped. Not that moment, but the next day. I called my union rep to setup a meeting. I was planning on disclosing "some" of what I was going through with meds and all. I was hoping I just needed a tweak in meds to fix this. Durning my meeting at work, i lost it. I was on another planet. I knew what I was saying but I wasn't thinking things through. I threatened to take my employer to court, and started yelling at them. I wasn't violent, just out of control yelling. I was sweating bullets, hands were shaking all over the place, talking a mile a minute, stuttering over my words, not having any thought of what my actions could result in, I just didn't care. I felt like I was in the right and everyone else was dead wrong. I thought my actions were justified, at that time, but durning that meeting, I looked in the eyes of my employer and saw she was starting to tear up a bit. It was a I'm so sorry look. My union rep even asked if I needed to outside and relax. I said no, I'm fine, but I wasn't. I was realizing, something's wrong here. I was getting the look as if I just got a call that someone in the family just died look. I was able to, just by a hair, calm myself down enough in the meeting to regroup my actions. At this moment, I broke. I started crying for the first time in front of anyone. Now, I'm telling my employer that I am so sorry for my actions. I lost it, and lost it bad. I knew something was very wrong. My whole meeting felt like I was in another world or in my own zone and when hat feeling broke, it really broke. Thank god, my employer was very professional about this. My line of work is working in the health care sector assisting people with the rehabilitation from brain injury, so I knew that in order for me to properly do my job and assist other people, I needed to,get myself better first. I love my job. I have a good reputation at work and with the clients I assist everyday. I asked my employer if they thought based on what they just witnessed, if I should take a LOA. They said yes, they said that may be a good idea. So, now, I'm on short term disibility started on Oct.7th and went back to my doctor. He set up an appointment with a PDoc. I saw him last week. He asked me a million questions, sent me for blood work and a EEG scan. I was told today that I'm bipolar. He placed me on valproic acid to be added with my other meds that I still take. Well, now I'm scared. I wasn't expecting news like this. Now, to make the situation worse, over the last month, my wife has been on the verge of a nervous breakdown for stress in her job. Her job took a restructuring and now she is doing a job she completely hates and it's killing her. My wife thinks that I should suck all this up and go, back to work. She wants to quit her job and get another job but with me on disibility, we cannot afford that option at the moment. I would love nothing more than let her leave her job and find something she likes. But at the moment, I also need to help myself. She does not understand how this is effecting me. I'm stuck in a situation where I know, I need help, not just for myself, but for my family. I also know that I need to help my wife as well. She has been crying and emotionally exhausted from her job for months, before I left mine, and now there is resentment. She needs to look for another job for her own good and well being and I.need to get fixed. Part of my problem I realize is that I love my wife so much that seeing her in such distress and hurt and knowing that I can't take her pain away, caused my "episode" her pain caused my breakdown if that makes any sense at all. The stress of it all tore me apart. Ive been married 15 years and now my wife resents me for being on a leave. I've tried to explain that I didn't want this. I would gladly go back to work if it would help her but I know deep down, I am far from ready to assist others with there lives when I still need to fix mine. So what should I do? Do I suck it up and go back to work now against doctors recommendation and hope to god, I can properly and effectively do my job or do I stay and let this new med take hold first and then go back. My PDoc wants me off till mid December but I don't know if my wife can hold on that long. Help please!! Any advise on this is greatly appreciated. I know,what bipolar is, I just don't fully understand it as how it works. Are there triggers I can spot that can cause episodes or is it just random? I'm trying to look at all angles here and see what the best option is. If there is anyone who can kinda hold my hand in advise over this illness, please help. Just talking about this right now, I can feel my heart start racing almost like a panic attack starting. Is this normal with BP? I'm so lost at the moment, I have to try and get myself fixed, while helping my wife, and still be a parent to 3 great boys and all this while starting a new medication. Something has to give. I can feel it all building up, making sure our mortgage is in the account, kids are looked after, trying to make my wife feel better anyway possible while she is starting to resent me more and more everyday cause she can't understand what's going on in my brain. Do I suck it up? I'm fearing my marriage is holding on by a thread and my bipolar is the cause of this. I keep telling her, just hang I there, once I get on the proper dose, things will be better but she still thinks im just wimping out of work which is honestly not the case. I enjoy my job and the people there. Sorry to make my first post a long, drawn out rant but I'm honestly at a crossroads of what to do. I don't know much about BP except what I have read. Are these symptoms something I can control and deal with later. Was my major episode, which I honestly think looking back at now, I should of been put in the hospital for 72hrs, was this a sign that I should be ok for a long while and just go back to work and let the wife do what she needs to do or are these symptoms going to get more frequent and intense if I leave it unattended to for a little while longer.
Please help
Please help
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