My new mom. This is my story....

[Depleated]

It's something I started to recognize a few years ago. Slight changes in behavior, difficult conversations, so quick to anger, constantly taking control of the conversation. I took it as she was in some sort of mood. After a visit with her, I would shake my head and think to myself "what the heck was her problem?" I didn't realize it was the beginning of something awful. I didn't realize she was starting to reduce her medication and would soon be off of it. I didn't realize she was in trouble. I was one of the few people in our family that didn't know why she was on medication in the first place. She was hospitalized when I was 16 after a nervous breakdown. She always claimed it was a medication complication that caused it. Remembering back to her behaviors then, I'm not so sure that was the only problem. I asked her once what her medication was for. Her response was evasive. She told me "it's just something she would be on for the rest of her life." The problem is, she decided it wasn't something she needed to be on anymore. Her life was full and good. She was feeling good. Things couldn't be better. With the support of her family doctor, she reduced her dose until she wasn't on it anymore. That's when the sickness took over full control. One innocent and concerned situation and it caused and explosive chain reaction. A few family members were recognizing a change in her behavior. Her visits with them were infrequent, but it was enough for them to be concerned. They knew her history all to well, and could see the warning signs. The excessive talking, often not allowing others to speak. She was quick to anger and would start fights for no reason. She would say she had found her voice. She signed up for and had become obsessed with Facebook. You think to yourself, who isn't? This was different. Facebook consumed her. It became her identity so much so, that she told her husband of almost 20 years that if he wanted to know who she was, he need to go on Facebook and read her posts. There was an incessant need to be liked by everyone, for everything she posted. There was some communication among the family about the changes in her behavior. My mom was always a kind hearted person, an excellent listener and there for you when you needed her. Unfortunately, the tables were quickly turning and I didn't know how to help her. Brief visits with uncomfortable interactions, I didn't think much of it. In fact, generally, I was starting to find spending time with her was frustrating and difficult. I didn't realize how much her husband had been living with the difficulty in silence, until one fateful day. I call it that, because it appears to be the day everything unraveled beyond repair. One of my aunts decided to call her husband while she was away. To ask if everything was OK and to express her concerns and desire for mom to get some help. This phone call and what transpired the next couple days following, shredded any bit of true reality she was holding on to. As my other aunt invited her on a walk, hoping to discuss everyone's love, support and concern for her mental stability, the fear that she might be institutionalized against her will consumed her. That thought created irrational fear in her. She related that idea to her own personal safety. All sense of logic was gone. Not that there was much left to reason with. Everyone was a betrayer. Everyone was out to get her. She started compulsively, obsessively telling her story to anyone that would listen. She pushed away everyone that tried to help her. I would have to listen to "her story" and "her truth" for hours on end. If I tried to reason with her on the reality of the situation, she would lash out at me with every emotion imaginable, shut me down and not allow me to speak. This explosive situation happened almost two years ago. She blames everyone for what is happening to her. She refuses to recognize that all the supposed drama in her life is all in her head. She thinks the worst of everyone. Even me. I have always been very close with my mom and I don't even know who she is anymore. Her oldest daughter has become the root of all evil. She tried to hang in there longer than most, to her own detriment. She has a brutal honesty about her that can sometimes be hard to take. Her husband became the biggest "betrayer" of all in his attempt to reach out for support. She blamed him for sharing "personal stuff". When in reality, he was desperate for support and reached out. He was the bad guy and a bad husband for not supporting her. After that, he couldn't do anything right in her eyes. I would hear "her story" over and over and I noticed how quickly her story started to change to include her husband as an abuser. Now everything was his fault because he's mentally unstable and verbally abusive. She was painting this mentally sick abusive picture of him to anyone that would listen. He would hear her on the phone to her "friends", and see emails she would send out to complete strangers. All depicting him as this evil monster she has been living with... But she loves him... So she says. And through all of this slander, he still loves her. He would absorb the slander because deep down he knew it wasn't really her saying those things. It was mental illness. He was holding out hope that things would miraculously get better. We all were. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster with her ever since that fateful day. Over the last two years, I would believe a tiny bit of what she was saying about him. He did start to seem irritated at times. Something I had never seen in him, in the almost 20 years he has been my father. Then I realized, It was utter exhaustion and frustration I was seeing. I realized that living with this sickness day in and day out was changing him as well. He was losing his ability to cope. Evey time things would get to be too much, my mother would leave and move in with me. She's lived with me 3 different times, usually lasting about 3 months at a time. I began to realize that I was being controlled by her emotions. Who I was as a person, was being completely suppressed. I realized she had conditioned me to not speak about certain things or certain people. It really wears on someone when their every action is controlled by another. I found myself getting easily frustrated. I started to choose no conversation at all over one that's one sided and fake. I could feel this taking an emotional and physical toll on me. I needed some help. Having a conversation with her about what is really happening always goes very badly. And when she gets angry, she also gets quite aggressive. There were many times I thought she was going to hit me. She would fly across the room at me in a blind anger. Shoving her hands in my face to the point that she almost hits me every time. What's worse, she never remembers doing it. She doesn't seem to remember any of her "bad behavior". And when someone responds in defense of themselves, they're being "awful, hateful and mean" to her. I would call her on her aggression minutes after it would happen and she would deny it happened. How can someone not remember? Is she in that much denial? Family has always been one of the most important things to her. Now, she has pushed everyone close to her away. She is hurting at the loss, but very willing to accept it, because according to her, there's nothing wrong with her. People who don't know her and hear her "story" think she is the victim. Because of their lack of insight into the truth, they feed into her needs and validate her actions. She has become a victim in her mind, and she plays it very well. She told me the other day my sister was dead and that I may as well be too. What mother in her right mind says that to their child? All because she saw my sister and I together. We had come back from a family support counseling session. She saw us together and thought we were conspiring against her. She blew up and lost control, shoved my sister out of the house and slammed the door on her back. She told me I was a betrayer. How could I do that to her? I desperately tried to explain. Clear and exact explanations to prove to her that I didn't betray her. Then I realized, it doesn't matter what I say, she doesn't hear it. She never does. There's no rationalizing with her. This type of scenario is very common. Actions are innocent, but they are perceived as bad. It's a constant cycle. It's exhausting. Mental illness has torn my family apart and it truly affects everyone. There's no such thing as a normal life anymore. Every attempt to get her to see the truth is only viewed as a conspiracy against her. She has now decided that "she is not good for me", so she will no longer be a part of my life. I broke down in utter pain, crying to the point that I could barely speak. Pleading with her to get some help. Telling her that I desperately want her to be a part of my life. Her response was stone cold. Mental illness is so cruel. I so desperately want her back that I'm often tempted to beg for forgiveness. Even though my only crime against her was loving her and wanting her to get better. Wanting her to have quality of life. Wanting her to get back all the things she values so much in life. Wanting her to be truly happy. Wanting her to break free and no longer be controlled by mental illness.

[paul m]

Hello Depleated welcome to the forum. You tell a tragic story and one that is, unfortunately, common. The MDAO has a guide to helping someone with a mood disorder. http://www.mooddisorders.ca/guide/gu...-mood-disorder

It deals more with the need for self care rather than any great solutions to another persons mood disorder, but it is worth the read.

What follows is certainly not a criticism of you. You seem to be very concerned about your mother and that is great. However some of the items I talk about are from the side of a person with a mental illness. I only share this with you so that you can understand that's it's not your fault when your Mom talks to you harshly or is irrational , but it's not your mothers fault either. A serious mental illness is hard on everybody and unfortunately it's hardest on those that are close to us.

I don't know what your mother diagnosis is and it could be bipolar or something else. However with bipolar over a couple of years there are usually times when the person goes from mania to normal to depressive,(not necessarily in that order) if they are not getting any treatment at all. The key word there is usually, there are always exceptions, especially if there is a physical problem or some sort medication problem or substance abuse(legal or illegal) fueling the mania, but also sometimes for no reason at all.

Whatever the case, I'm sure that she is extremely difficult top deal with and you have my sympathy. However it is a mental illness and unfortunately I understand all too well what your mother may be going through having once been on an extended manic episode myself due to my doctor prescribing a medication that wasn't good for my condition. Nobody can talk logic to me when I'm manic. Everybodies mania is a little different, but part of mine took the form of delusions of grandeur, I treated people miserably(to say the lest) , I knew everything and nothing was my fault. You could call me on something that I had just done and I would either deny it or try and justify it. That was the mental illness speaking and not my normal self. I could be rational one minute and totally irrational the next.

I still have people, who were once close to me, and relatives who don't speak to me many yrs later due to my behaviours during my worse yrs.

I'm like a lot of other people, that is. I'm a good person with a bad illness. I haven't been really manic for many yrs, but I still have night mares about the things I did while manic.

However during those manic stages there was no reasoning with me. When I was depressed, I would try and push people away. I would say that I was no good and I felt that way in my mind, so I would try and protect those closest too me by pushing them away. Not that I really wanted them away from me, I just felt that I was such a horrible monster that it wasn't fair to those around me to have put up with me.

The only time anyone could talk with me, was during the rare times that I was relatively normal. The problem was nobody, myself included, wanted to disturb the normal times with frank discussions about my behaviours during mania or depression. We just sort of hoped that the rare good times would last, of course they didn't. First because I was often rapid cycling, sometimes a couple of times in the same day and secondly when I was normal, my horror at what I had done during those other times would quickly set me off on another episode.

Part of my turn around started to come because my wife spoke with my doctor. I was quite good at faking normal behaviour for a short time in the doctors office. Why would I fake it, why wouldn't I want help, unfortunately that is what a mental illness does to a person.

Of course the doctor couldn't speak to my wife about my illness, but he could listen to her and he asked her for a letter listing my symptoms and behaviours. The next time I went to see him he confronted me and fortunately, I was in a state of mood where I wasn't at my worse. After he asked a series of questions he gave me a choice, be involuntarily put in a hospital or start trying some medications. Even after that it was a long road back and I'm still not 100%, but at least most days I'm able to take part in this world.

Of course doctors don't have to give a loved one an appointment, but they do have to read a letter if the loved one sends it to them and states that they think the person is a danger to themselves or others and gives reasons why they think that.

Your Mom, could have a variety of illness, bipolar, shizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, some other delusional disorder or even a physical illness can cause many problems. Illnesses like a thyroid or other glandular problem, a small benign brain tumour and many other physical illness can cause a major behavioural problem and only a doctor can tell for sure.

I wish you luck and courage in dealing with your Mom, I know it is one of the most difficult tasks in the world. Our son also has bipolar, so I'm aware of how much agony you are going through. Please feel free to use this forum to vent out some of your frustrations and/or to ask questions about mental illnesses. Please also feel free to answer anybodies else's questions as well. By sharing we all gain knowledge and the more knowledge that we have, the better able we all are to combat mental illnesses. Once again, Good Luck and Take Care. paul m

[uni]

Welcome, Depleated! I had a lovely post ready and then my computer started acting up. I will see if I can find what I wrote and post it yet. Meanwhile, please know that you're not being ignored

[AJ]

Welcome to the forum Depleated. You've come to a place with very supportive people. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

[Depleated]

Thank you for the responses. I had a response written up after the first one and every time I tried to send it, it kept telling me I had to sign in first. I was already signed in. I'll try again.

No one in my family knows how to handle this situation. No one knows what the right thing to do is. Some people think cutting her out of their life will give her the push she needs to go get help. That only made them evil betrayers in her mind. Others, like myself, have stuck with her, constantly trying to convince her to get help. Every effort to communicate concerns would fall on deaf ears and leave you feeling exhausted at another failed attempt to get through to her. You end up allowing yourself and your words to be controlled by her just to avoid another painful argument that goes nowhere. You start to feel like a puppet. Until you get tired of being a puppet. Them you speak out and say.... Enough is enough. I can't keep pretending this is OK. Nothing in our relationship is normal.... None of it is real anymore. I can't be myself around you. I can't talk about anything that it's going on with me. I can't even tell her that I had a lovely visit with my brother the other day. It would send her off the deep end. I need help. The resources are pretty slim for getting her some help. She has to go willingly to see a psychiatrist and she refuses.

[Depleated]

She told me today she may as well be dead because no one cares that she is alive and no one would come to her funeral.

I would have called her an ambulance right then and there, but she refuses to let anyone know where she is. She has a few friends who believe all the lies she is telling them about us. They refuse to speak to any of us. They don't want to hear the other side of this story. Which normally is fine and it's totally their choice, but when I'm in fear of my mother safety and they refuse to even communicate that she is OK... That's not OK with me. These people barely know my mother. She tells them we're all awful hateful people who don't love her, who have abandoned her when she needs someone the most. I could go on for hours about all the awful stories she has told about us and our cruelty towards her. It's really bad. It sounds really bad. But only a tiny thread of what she says is true and everything else is a creation in her mind. For example, my sister told mom that she isn't the mother she has known all her life. That she has changed and she wants her to get some help to get back to being herself. My mother heard, I hate you, you're not my mother, you've never been a mother to me, you're not a good person, I want nothing to do with you. And then she relays that message to her friends and they can't believe how awful we are.

[Depleated]

Anyone have an opinion about psychologists?

Mom has been to see one for 10 sessions last year (on her benefits) and twice this year. According to mom, her psychologist can't believe how awful her family has treated her.

Can a trained professional seriously be that blind?

Mom has offered to bring me to one of her therapy sessions and told me that if her therapist thinks she needs medication, then she will go get some medication.

I'm tempted to go. I would do anything to support her, but I'm also fearful that the outcome might validate her insistence to not go see a psychiatrist.

I was hopeful when she started going to the psychologist, that she would start to get better. She managed to get her to stop obsessing about what others were taking about for a short period of time, but that was the extent of the progress and it was very short lived.

[paul m]

Hello Depeleated. When you sign in, there is a little box that sez remember me right under where you put in your name. If you do not ck this box the website will automatically sign you out after 15min(?) or so if you have not sent a post. You can also prevent it from doing this by pressing preview post every once in a while or ticking the box. It annoys me too when I get signed out and lose a post.

In regards to psychologists, there are good psychologists and bad ones just like any doctor. However a person who is manic can be very skilled at telling convincing stories and manipulating others.

You said "According to mom, her psychologist can't believe how awful her family has treated her." It can very hard for any doctor, psychologist or psychiatrist to notice mania for the short amount of time that the person is with the doctor. I was pretty good at convincing others that the problems were not my fault and that it was always someone else's fault.(not a fact that I am proud of).

While most psychologists have no problem recommending someone see a doctor who can prescribe medications, a psychologist cannot prescribe those medications. Your mother may have convinced him/her that she is already taking medications or he/she may be the kind of psychologist that doesn't feel that it's their place to discuss medications with a client.

Should you go with your mother? I can't answer that, but I have an agreement with my wife that she can contact my therapists or doctors at any time, with or without me. It's noted in my doctors notes that I have given this permission. My wife rarely does this, but she has done it several times many yrs ago and usually she and the doctor found out that my stories were less than true.

If you do go with her I would suggest that you write down the behaviours that you are concerned about in a concise form. By writing a one page, easy to read brief it's sometimes easier to put your thoughts across in a rational and less confrontational way.

Once again, I can sure sympathize with you on how difficult it is to deal with your Mom and not be able to convince others that she needs help. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m

[uni]

Hello Depleated. It looks like the post I'd made up went off into never never land.

Regarding psychologists: I have found one who has helped me greatly, so am biased in their favour. Like Paul mentioned, some are better than others. A lot of them are very good but not necessarily a good fit for every patient due to personality or type of therapy or other reasons.

According to mom, her psychologist can't believe how awful her family has treated her.

Can a trained professional seriously be that blind?

It sounds like the only information you have about what happened at your mom's appointments is coming from her. It's bound to be coloured by her own attitude and thoughts, as happens with anyone in therapy. You have no way of knowing exactly what transpired. Just something to take into account.

Regarding psychologists: Like Paul mentioned, some are better than others. A lot of them are very good but not necessarily a good fit for every patient due to personality or type of therapy or other reasons.