Lost

[feelingunsure]

First time in a while I am extremely concerned about myself.

Not sure exactly what my diagnoses is. I have been diagnoses bi polar as well as possible borderline personality disorders and then I have a shrik who wants to contradict it. So I feel lost and so confused of what is really going on.

Doctors in my town are stupid. And that's being nice. Easier to push pills and then forget why u even gave them to the patient. I jist stopped going after the 5th time my doctor asked me why i was on the medication he was prescibing me. I went off them a year or so ago. Been so long I forgot. And now I contiplate going back on them but unsure if they really do help. But I'm back having melt downs at work. Completely and utterly depressed. To the point that doing anything other than working require to much of an effort. And going to work is and huge challenge. I love my job but right now staying in bed and not wanting to face the world just feels so much better at this point.

It's so frustrating. 4 months ago. I was happy. Motivated. Doing things. And now I feel like I'm back at square one.

It's difficult for me to accept either of those diagnoses, and bevause of that I try to prove them all wrong. I force myself every day to do the things that I can't stand to do. Because I'm so low mentally. I analyze the things going on to try and find a trigger for my downward spiral. And I fight the urges that come with all of it.

But I cracked at work today. I couldn't do what I always have been able to do, I feel failure and exhaustion. And my dreams concern me. Between dreaming of cocaine, the smell the taste and the lose of reality to the constant dreams of way to kill myself. When I dream of both I know things are horribly wrong. That I know is a huge sign of my mental health is comprimized. And I'm concerned.

And then I write these words and feel guilty. I've read some stories. How bad other people's bi polar can be and I don't feel that I'm that bad to have a story to tell.

So because of the person I am, how hard I am on myself. I shut myself off. Trying to distant myself because I'm to emotional, to up and down to really feel like I'm viewing everything with with a level head.

Feel my thoughts are all over the place. But figured writing might clear them.

I've thought about running away for a while. 6 days... mainly because I got that coming up and I'd never forgive myself for a deserting everyone even thought it's how I feel. Problem is.... one I don't want to tell anyone I'm leaving or where I'm going. It may hurt people but I don't really care about that for some reason. The decrease in my mental health combine with suicidal thought and cocaine is the problem. It's a concern. But I think the best for me is to walk away as well. I don't know.

I could wake up tomorrow and not this strongly about everything or I can wake up worse. The unknown is unsettling to me right now.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I get if people respond that the first thing would be go back to the doctor tell him how to feel and all that. This is small town and the doctors seriously don't care. Mental health services here are a joke and they like to talk. It's a small town and I deal with most of those people on a perfessional level. I perfer my personal life not be the topic of my other business associates. There is no such thing as confidential in this town.

I think i need to be clearly diagnose maybe then I can really know what's going on. Driving an hr and half is not always possible though.

[AJ]

Welcome to the forum Feelingunsure. Thank you for sharing some of yourself with us. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. I can understand why driving an hour and a half is not always possible but when you can go it might be worth the trip.

You may want to consider addressing the cocaine use first. Is there any support for that in your location? It's anonymous, and no one else in the group are going to want others to know either.

Hang in there. Post anytime. The group of people on this forum are friendly and supportive.

[paul m]

Hello and welcome Feelingunsure. Sorry that you are having so many problems. The difference between having border line personality disorder and bipolar 2 and/or a combination of them both is very hard to to diagnose. They share many of the same symptoms. Many times during my battle with bipolar I have presented classic borderline personality symptoms, however they go away when my moods level out.

You are to be commended for battling your illnesses. You don't really say, but your post comes across as if you have a problem with cocaine. I'm not a doctor, but I've found that very few people that I have known have fully recovered until they addressed any use of recreational drugs and any use of alcohol. I'm not anti drug or against alcohol, I've just never seen any one get really well who used either except in very small quantities.

I'll agree that some docs leave a lot to be desired, but I've also found that sometimes they are the only game in town and that we have to use them. One thing about this forum is that you can ask questions and learn a lot about what works for various people and then you can advise your doctor what you would like to try , rather than just relying on his/her viewpoint.

Getting better from a mental illness is a tough job and often very frustrating. Please feel free to vent out some of life's frustrations on this forum. Take Care. paul m

[feelingunsure]

Thank you.

I didn't make it to work this morning. I couldnt bring myself to actually get off the bed. So hard. I lied on the cough and watched tv all day. Left my back door open so the dog coukd go in and out as he please. And then when my mom came over unexpectedly again. I snapped at her and told her all I wanted was to be alone. So she left. I feel guilty about it but I can't bring myself to apologies. She just shows up whenever and maybe cause she knows I'm going downhill but me being in the same room agitated me right now. I'm trying to keep it together and she is a bug trigger even though she means we'll.

To clarify I use to have a cocaine issue. Been clean about a year. Before that I would relapse about 5 to 6 times a year. And a relapse was doing it one night maybe two. I know that when I'm going downhill and I have stress I can taste it and dream about it. It's a battle hard not to given in to but it's also a sign for me that I'm not doing well.

Tomorrow maybe a better day. Here is hoping.

[AJ]

Congratulations on being clean a year! that's no small feat.

I hope today gets to be a better day as it progresses.

[paul m]

Hello feelingunsure. Congrats on your yr clear. However a bigger congrats on your continuing to fight your problems. Fighting problems for a long time is extremely exhausting, so pat yourself on the back, even if you are going through a tough patch right now.

I know what you mean about not wanting company sometimes. Fortunately nobody has a key to my place and I have a long driveway and I can see who is coming. I've been known not to answer the door if I'm not in the mood for company. Even some really well meaning people can trigger my emotions if I'm not in the mood for visitors.

As a parent I can appreciate your Mom worrying, especially if she senses that you are going down hill. I do the same thing with my son, however I have learned to accept his limits and when I accidentally or with good intentions cross those limits and he barks at me, I don't expect an apology. I hope that tomorrow is a better day. Take Care. paul m

[uni]

Hello and welcome to the forums, feelingunsure. I hear you about small towns, I have relatives in smaller towns and they run up against the "everybody knows everything" issue regularly. Even if you have to drive an hour and a half to seek help, do you think it may be worth it once in a while?

[feelingunsure]

Been doing better. Had a one of my staff give me some homopathetic stuff ND it has helped a lot. Not really into that stuff but after a week and half, I have found my head extremely clear.
Still going to contact my employee assistance program, as they will set me up with some help, as I beleive a lot of me going down hill is due to my job, as I have to much on my plate and when I see the light something happens.

Work preaches self care but hard to do when things get rough.

[uni]

Hello feelingunsure. Thanks for the update; it's good to hear from you again!

It sounds like the homeopathic stuff is helping. With your job causing you so much grief, I'm glad there's an employee assistance program. I agree that self care is tough to do, but the alternative is not to do any, and we know where that can lead. Good for you, taking steps to help yourself