Do most of us suffer from Social Anxiety?

[Pinkviolet]

The past 4 months I have been witdrawing from most social settings. I tend to withdraw when I feel fragile and not so well. I guess I am in the down parts of bipolar. I did have some positive days but it has mostly been retirering days for me, sleeping more and even the last days eating more without my anxiety meds clonazepam.

I know I suffer from social anxiety, but how can one make people understand. They don't. They believe it is a matter of will. Especially with my AA group, withdrawing from meetings makes them withdraw from you on Facebook. I feel terrible that some won't include me anymore in their little group. But since I told them that I was bipolar I did withdraw as I felt judged and realized that I should not have reveiled it to this group. To a person of confidence yes that is ok. Anyhow I now feel left out when I go on Facebook and have taken up with an online AA group instead.

From the earliest I can remember as a child I was very shy and withdrawn. Maybe this is just my personality and I have to accept it and not worry what other people say. I know that it is as well caused by my bipolar.

Does everyone with Bipolar suffer from social anxiety? it seems worse the older I get?

[Alisa]

I have over the years been engaging less and less in social engagements until they’re virtually nonexistent. I’ve tried so hard so many times and come home with energies depleted and saying to myself “that really wasn’t fun”. So finally, I’ve basically just given up. The main problem for me is conversation. I don’t have a lot of topics to draw from for one thing. Right now I’m experiencing an upswing in energy and I’m also realizing I’m more talkative. So the no talking thing comes from my lifelong companion of low grade depression. It’s not me that causes the muteness, it’s the depression. The hope then is that medication can bring balance and perhaps those social engagements for me will in time become enjoyable and enriching. This is a new perspective for me. But until the balance comes, I will still feel awkward when required to social network for work related events.

[paul m]

Hello Pinkviolet. The following are just my opinions and may or may not be accurate. The first one though is pretty accurate. A lot of people with bipolar do suffer from some form of anxiety. (well over half)

For people who suffer from anxieties, the anxieties tend to build as we get older unless we do something to stop that from happening. That may sound as if I am trivializing things, but I'm not. It can be exceedingly hard to slow up or stop the development of serious anxieties. For some of us it's pretty hard work. Getting better can be painful too, because as you have said, being shunned is not a pleasant experience.

Anxieties develop for a variety of reasons. Some people have a predisposition towards them, some people have had bad experiences as a youth, some people have had other illnesses that affected them.

I mean if the last 5 times you got in a car with someone, you ended up in the hospital, you would be pretty anxious about getting in the 6th time. Anxieties are no different. If we have items in our life that over a period of time produce stress or anxiety, then chances we are going to have anxiety problems.

The good news is that of all mental illnesses, anxieties are considered one of the easier ones to at least reduce, with or without the use of medication. Mood Gym is one on line course that may help, it's free, but don't try and do it all at once. https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome/new/splash A true cognitive behaviourial course(CBT) works best for trying to combat anxieties, , but they can be expensive. You may want to search your local data bases and/or hospitals to see if any CBT style courses are being offered in your area for low or no costs.

At one time my anxieties were so bad that I would barely go out of the house or answer the phone for a couple of yrs and I still have a problem with anxieties, just not nealry as bad as I used to have. Good Luck battling your anxieties. Take Care. paul m

[Pinkviolet]

Thank you Paul for all your information.

It became so bad that I had a few glasses of wine to ease the tension. Being in AA I have to begin again counting my days of abstinence but I believe that the 2 years without was benificial and the 4 years before that. I withdrew from my group and that is what happens. I was afraid they would judge me since I told the group that I was bipolar. I believe I have not accepted fully my disorder. For me it always take a long time, just like accepting that i cannot work anymore

[Pinkviolet]

Thanks Alisa for your comments. I am glad I am not the only one the problem is I am in an AA group but like yourself most of the time when I attend I like you get depleated and never find it fun. I always used to skip the work related events unless they were mandatory. Maybe an online group would help me. I do hope in time that I will be more social but it doesn't seem to happen, I retreat and isolate except with a few close friends.

[Fighting back]

Hi Pinkviolet.

That's a pretty frank assessment of yourself and I admire your ability to do so. Sorry to hear the AA count had to be reset, but we are not infallible and I hope that you continue with your AA group.

Social anxiety is all too common. I don't think you have to be bipolar, or even suffer from a diagnosed mood disorder to be affected by this. My spouse has always been uncomfortable in social situations and our son has also never been comfortable in a crowded room. On the other hand, I never have been bothered by the social situation although I never feel 100% true to myself when interacting socially. I always supposed it was learned behavior and for me, being adaptable is how I can cope with such situations. I usually also avoided work related social occasions because I don't follow with a lot of the so called acceptable activities that accompany these events, (i.e. I don't golf!). On the other hand, a group of employees from a job I held many years ago still meet regularly for Christmas and I do look forward to that event. Dear friends, each and every one of them.

I hope you can keep your spirits up and don't fret about what others may think of you. Except for my opinion, of course. I think you are just fine!

[Pinkviolet]

Well, I went back to my AA reunions with my sponsor that camed and picked me up. Starting all over again.

I am thinking now that my social anxiety has a lot to do with a defect of mine which I realized yesterday. My ego wants to do it alone, not to be told what to do. Be free and to follow the program is difficult for me. As children growing up we were often criticized having an emotional abuser as a father. So I have difficulty adhering to anything someone tells me to do. My way of protecting myself is to block of any critical comments, although I do feel it emotionally. So in AA I have to let go in thinking that I can do it by myself. I have grown to do things alone and by my self. I now have to change that hole thinking, that I cannot stay sober by myself, staying away from meetings to long is not good. There is also the understanding in AA, to let go and let God. Well I am confused about God, my faith has lowered since my cat Daisy died. Anyhow I need to let others help me and put away my ego if I am going to have a good recovery. One step at a time I guess and the social anxiety is still there a bit.

[paul m]

Hello Pinkviolet. I'm glad to see that you have started over again( not drinking). I have never been to an AA meeting, but I do admire a lot of things that they do. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who have benefited from AA.

However I never have been fond of their system of restarting "the count" so to speak in regards for sobriety. I appreciate the benefit that peer pressure can have( I want to get the X yr pin/certificate etc), and I know that a lot of pride goes into having stayed sober for X number of yrs. I've also seen people not go back to AA meetings because they slipped up and they didn't want to restart the count. I've also known people to lie and say they haven't had a drink , just because they didn't want to restart the count. Sometimes someone who stay dry for one day has a harder time than someone who hasn't had had drink in 25 yrs. So take pride in the fact that you have had times when you stayed sober and pride in the fact that you are trying again.

In regards to accepting criticism I can have that difficulty too. However I have learned that what some people considering mentoring or helpful suggestions is just that person's way of being critical. So try to have some faith in yourself and try and sort the real helpful people from those are who merely critical. (it's a tough thing to do I know and I fail often)

In regards to AA and God. One of the most basic tenets of AA is found in the 3rd tradition. "The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking." You have that desire, that is what is foremost important. Second most important is that you realize that you may need help. All the rest are up to you to decide how they will be interpreted.

All 12 steps and 12 traditions of AA are not infallible and are met only as a guide.Use the ones you like and learn about the ones the other ones, but if they cause anxiety they aren't working. Just like the step that sez to make amends to people who you have wronged unless that will cause damage to you or to them etc etc. I've known a lot of alcoholics, who now attend AA and been damaged by some of their actions. As I've never heard one of them apologize to me for those actions I can only assume that they all took the " unless that will do damage to you " part of the phrase to heart and used it not to make amends.

That's not a criticism either. I owe apologies to a lot of people that will just never happen. However it does illustrate my point that AA is more about trying to remain sober than adhering to a lot of rules, even though some chapters put much more emphasis on steps and traditions than other ones do.

Now that I've talked way to long, I'll close with a basic belief that I have. You are a good person with a problem(s) and that is much different than being a bad person with good excuses. I believe that of most people until I'm proven wrong. All of us have faults, but it doesn't mean that we aren't as good as the next person, for some of us our faults and problems are just a little more on view. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m

[markm]

Hi Pinkviolet,

I just wanted to start by answering your first question for myself: yes, I suffer from social anxiety besides the BP.
So this is my thought/opinion:
And I also used a number of substances and behaviors to mask it. But the cleaner I get (5 years no booze, 4 years no weed, for a couple of examples) the more pronounced my social anxiety became. At first you might think it was because i was getting older, but it's not - it's because i was taking off my masks and dealing with the real me. So no mind-altering substances to shield my self-esteem and facing my "demons" so to speak that drive my own insecurities that lead to social anxiety - that makes for apparently more anxiety because there's nothing covering it up and I'm fully experiencing it. So now it seems pretty bad at times, and I socially withdraw, and I don't like it, but I hide from people if I can. But using some cognitive behavioral tricks and staying mindful of those anxious feelings helps somewhat - I'm less and less afraid of the *feelings* of anxiety, not the actual situation. After all, there's nothing really scary about the supermarket and all the people there - yet, I have those feelings of anxiety. Or being at a staff party, or wherever. I'm afraid of being judged, humiliated, shamed... not rational feelings, yet I have them. Drink and drugs helped mask that - take the mask off, and it seems worse. But those feelings were always there.

I tried AA back in the day, didn't work for me at the time. I know it works for others. I got out of my habits/addictions/compulsions with something that fits my style of thinking and feeling, and with a lot of patience for myself. I tried not to get hung up on my own "count" because that introduced its own special variety of anxiety, self-doubt, and self-prophetical failure. If I messed up, I figured out why I did, and moved on. I guess my point is, not to be hard on yourself. Self-judgment is antithetical to getting well IMO. You're a good person after all.

I admire that you are committed to a program of being well and being free of alcohol. So many people excuse themselves for that habit, which IMO only multiplies the complexity of most health issues be they physical, mental, or emotional. Keep reaching out to people. I found in the end, human resources were some of the most useful to me.

[salve]

The past 4 months I have been witdrawing from most social settings. I tend to withdraw when I feel fragile and not so well. I guess I am in the down parts of bipolar. I did have some positive days but it has mostly been retirering days for me, sleeping more and even the last days eating more without my anxiety meds clonazepam.

I know I suffer from social anxiety, but how can one make people understand. They don't. They believe it is a matter of will. Especially with my AA group, withdrawing from meetings makes them withdraw from you on Facebook. I feel terrible that some won't include me anymore in their little group. But since I told them that I was bipolar I did withdraw as I felt judged and realized that I should not have reveiled it to this group. To a person of confidence yes that is ok. Anyhow I now feel left out when I go on Facebook and have taken up with an online AA group instead.

From the earliest I can remember as a child I was very shy and withdrawn. Maybe this is just my personality and I have to accept it and not worry what other people say. I know that it is as well caused by my bipolar.

Does everyone with Bipolar suffer from social anxiety? it seems worse the older I get?

Hi Pinkviolet,

I'm sorry to read your experience with AA, that must feel very disheartening.

To answer your question, yes, I suffer from social anxiety and I feel like it's getting worse with age. I much prefer to spend time with one person, than in a group. Going to parties or other social gatherings is extremely difficult, and I dread the hours or days leading up to one where I'm obliged to go. Even taking my kids to party is hard enough. I simply don't have the inclination to socialize with others, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, and when I do, I'm putting on an act. Admittedly, I'm socially awkward and shy, and that I've had to learn skills over the years to be otherwise. I think we all learn social skills, but is it a social skill, or an acting skill? For me, I feign the enjoyment of the company of others, while I watch the clock. Genuine enjoyment only comes people I know very well. What is worse, is that I will have intentions of going to a social gathering, and will change my mind at the last minute. This happens a lot. What is even more frustrating is that I know deep down that if develop the habit of being social, life would gradually improve. The rational side of me is always drowned by anxiety.

[Pinkviolet]

Do most of us suffer from Social Anxiety?

Hi Pinkviolet,

I'm sorry to read your experience with AA, that must feel very disheartening.

To answer your question, yes, I suffer from social anxiety and I feel like it's getting worse with age. I much prefer to spend time with one person, than in a group. Going to parties or other social gatherings is extremely difficult, and I dread the hours or days leading up to one where I'm obliged to go. Even taking my kids to party is hard enough. I simply don't have the inclination to socialize with others, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, and when I do, I'm putting on an act. Admittedly, I'm socially awkward and shy, and that I've had to learn skills over the years to be otherwise. I think we all learn social skills, but is it a social skill, or an acting skill? For me, I feign the enjoyment of the company of others, while I watch the clock. Genuine enjoyment only comes people I know very well. What is worse, is that I will have intentions of going to a social gathering, and will change my mind at the last minute. This happens a lot. What is even more frustrating is that I know deep down that if develop the habit of being social, life would gradually improve. The rational side of me is always drowned by anxiety.

Hi Salve, Thanks for responding to my thread. It makes me feel better to know that others also share this social anxiety...it makes me feel not alone and less of a freak. lol I often also make plans and back down at the last minute because of anxiety. You certainly make a good point when you say social skills or acting skills??? and I certainly have watched the clock many many times in social gatherings, even at my AA meeting in the hopes of it ending asap. Get me out of there!!! kind of feeling. I believe we all know it is not rational but the anxiety takes over and we feel uncomfortable. The older I get it does seem like my social anxiety has become worse but a part of me thinks that I just have given myself the permission not to be in uncomfortable situations. And that should be ok, to be who we are and not actors.

[Pinkviolet]

Hi Mark,

Thanks for replying to my thread. I have been off this site for awhile sorry for the late response.

It certainly makes sense when you talk about masks that we took to feel more comfortable and that they are no longer there. We are left raw at restarting a new set of social skills. The mask that I am often using I believe now is I DO NOT TRUST YOU, STAY AWAY FROM ME. That mask makes it harder in social settings. lol

I am like you...I'm afraid of being judged, humiliated, shamed... and that feeling does not help a lot in social gatherings. For me it stems from my childhood, having a very, very critical father that did judge, humiliate, shamed us kids plus anyone that walked through his path...as well as him being a ***ual aggressor. I have also been told at a young age not to talk, that what I had to say was unimportant. I see now that it was just the grooming of a sick person. Some events really traumatize us and changes us.

Thank you for sharing and also congrats on your sobriety. I recently have questionned myself about AA and still do so. I use other ressources, like therapy, this forum and the online SMART Recovery Program, as well a site for social anxiety and don't just follow AA.

Thanks and take care Mark.

[Sandra2015]

I found the following linked article most interesting. It states that Anxiety and Depression are two sides of the same coin. Over the past couple of years, clinicians and researchers alike have been moving toward a new conclusion: Depression and anxiety are not two disorders that coexist. They are two faces of one disorder.

Maybe it will have something that helps you...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200310/anxiety-and-depression-together