Hello! I'm seeking support

[salve]

I just joined and I'm here to introduce myself.

I'm 36 year old dad to two great kids, a software developer, and struggle daily with my moods. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2. I'm barely function, my baseline mood is mild depression, and my moods fluctuate regularly. Each day is comes with dread, some days more than others. Mania is difficult to understand, as I don't feel euphoric but more agitated, frustrated, feeling as though my brain is not moving fast enough. I've only begun to understand this about me, having not existed in any other way. Depression is easier to identify, and can be severe. I've had short periods of time in my life where I felt content, but these short lived, and I often wonder what was different.

The result of all this is a life of social isolation. I escape by indulging in grandiose thoughts, or reading. I'll go through periods of heightened activity, and then periods like now where it's a challenge to muster the energy face the day. I know what to do to improve my situation (simple things like exercise, getting out more, socializing), but can't bring myself to do it. My thought patterns are like a broken record, like a loop that is hard to break. I feel guilty that I find it difficult to be thoughtful outside myself, as my thoughts are inward.

My priority is to be a good dad to my kids. And I feel for the most part I'm doing the best I can, but is it ever hard! It's hard to feign enjoyment or happiness. I feel a certain joy for my kids, their achievements, their childhood and their passions, but it's solemn, because I feel I'm not fully engaged, or able to share these moments to the level they deserve.

I don't take any medication, except clonazepam for parasomnia. I tried medication but I felt it made me worse, or had no effect. I'm only continuing with clonazepam because I'm now dependent on it, after a frightening week or so of going cold turkey. I don't take recreational drugs or alcohol.

I'm looking to find strength and perhaps offer the benefit of my own experience to others who are seeking the same.

[suzieq]

Hello, welcome to the forum. I am new to this forum as well. I really feel for you. I am on several medications but sometimes wonder if they are really helping. I have tried several other medication before. I too take clonazepam but I am trying to reduce it. Know that there are others going through the same thing. The moderators on here are very helpful with information. My sister went through a really bad time a few years ago and is currently on a small amount of olanzapine. She says it slows her 'manic' moments and she is doing very well. Can I ask, what is parasomnia? suzieq

[AJ]

Welcome to the forum Salve. Thank you for sharing some of yourself with us. You will find the people on this forum very supportive. I'm glad you could join us.

[Alisa]

Hi Salve

I think there’s a place for reading – whether you call it escape, entertainment, or educational. I remember the days when even driving to the library was not an option. And I remember when it would have been too much stimulation to look at all the call numbers just to find the one book I was looking for let alone all the words on the page of the book itself. What genre do you like, Salve? My genre is always nonfiction. For some reason I’m drawn to people’s harrowing experiences in countries like Iran and China. My latest book was a little lighter - “A Street Cat Named Bob” by James Bowen. I highly recommend it.

I understand the “know what to do to improve but can’t bring myself to do it” sentiment. A couple of things that get me past that thinking. One, although I don’t know how yet, it won’t always be this way. And two, there might be something else completely different that will improve my situation that I can do.

[paul m]

Hello Salve and welcome. Please do not hesitate to ask questions, answer other people's questions and/or use the forum to vent out a few of life's frustrations. I'm no doctor and what follows is more about how my life went or what I have read and certainly no medical opinion is implied.

Like you, I had, had the symptoms for many yrs and didn't think that I had ever known anything different. Looking back I know realize that I did always have the symptoms, right back to child hood, just they were not as always present as they were as when I was 36.

I used to think that I was the world's worse procrastinator, when in reality I just put stuff off due to being depressed(or manic). I found that once I got in the habit of putting stuff off, it became a life long habit and became very hard to break out of, even when I wasn't depressed/manic. Just like my social isolation started out as being shy as a kid and for the most part continued and got worse as I got older. (stuck in a rut)

In regards to grandiose thoughts, I used be a great day dreamer as a kid and it became worse as I got older. ( I equate grandiose thoughts with day dreaming) I still do it, but not nearly as frequently and I can usually stop when I want, but sometimes it's fun to have a little escapism, as long as we are realistic about it LOL.

In regards to mania not making a person feel euphoric, the latest research has shown that to be a lot more common than it used to be thought. I advanced over my life to bipolar 1 and I seldom felt euphoric. God like, irritability and even delusional many times, but euphoric not so much.

In fact it is now known that mixed states are much more common than most other states of bipolar. That is you are likely to have symptoms of both mania/hypomania and depression at the same time. IE, a person may be really depressed and feeling really sluggish, but can't get their mind to stop racing or perhaps they feel full of energy (possible hypomania symptom), but have difficulties getting motivated to do anything(possible depressive symptom).

Also children, who have bipolar, are known to express their mania as irritability and anger , rather than any sort of euphoria. I'm not sure why this is, but it it known. I suspect(know) that some of the thought patterns that I became ingrained with lasted into my adult hood. I suspect this was one of them.

In regards to being in a rut. A knowledgeable doctor would probably describe it exactly that way. When we do things(good or bad) the same way over and over our neuro pathways became ingrained and it is just like a rut and it can be very hard for a person to change.

Bipolar can be a slowly progressive illness or it can proceed rapidly. For me it was very slow and didn't affect my ability to be a decent father and earn a good living until I was in my late 30's and it continued to get worse until I was finally able to start to reverse it. By then I had a really hard job reversing anything and it took a long time to get better.

I can't say whether or not you need meds . A good CBT or DBT (behavioural therapies) might be of help to you, but they were useless to me until I got some medications that helped me deal with the overall problems with having bipolar. I still have to take medications, but I'm much more able to deal with life through a combination of meds, lifestyle changes, and various behavioural therapy courses, than I was using just medications.

Well I've rambled enough for today. Once again welcome. Take Care. paul m

[lucy]

bipolar

Welcome to the forum Salve. Thank you for sharing some of yourself with us. You will find the people on this forum very supportive. I'm glad you could join us.

I am new here. I am going through a bad depressive episode.

[lucy]

i have bipolar disorder.

[lucy]

hi salve -- I find it hard to face the day as well. I am not getting anything done. /lucy

[salve]

Hello, welcome to the forum. I am new to this forum as well. I really feel for you. I am on several medications but sometimes wonder if they are really helping. I have tried several other medication before. I too take clonazepam but I am trying to reduce it. Know that there are others going through the same thing. The moderators on here are very helpful with information. My sister went through a really bad time a few years ago and is currently on a small amount of olanzapine. She says it slows her 'manic' moments and she is doing very well. Can I ask, what is parasomnia? suzieq

Hi Suzieq! Thanks for the reply! I know how you feel about the medication. The problem is that it can take many months for the drug to take affect, and so it is hard to measure if it is actually having a positive impact or not. I understand your frustration. As for parasomnia, it's a sleep disorder where by you experience disturbances, such as sleep walking, night terrors, and sleep paralysis (waking up and feeling paralysed). There are symptoms too, but these are the ones that affect me. Parasomnia correlates with Non-rapid eye movement sleep NREM. REM is the stage of sleep where your mind clams down and you enter deep sleep. With parasomnia, you don't often enter this stage and your mind continues to be active. In the morning, you may feel like you have slept, but in fact never entered deep sleep. Clonazepam is affective in entering REM and it has worked well for me.

[suzieq]

Hi salve,
I think I used to have the sleep paralysis thing. It was very scary to me. I am taking clonazepam (small amount) and seroquel for sleep. The Dr. Wants me to take more seroquel, but I am hesitant. I feel like I take too much already. I have this shakiness during the day, which I absolutely hate. I believe it is from the Zoloft. I am praying that it will go away soon. I don't get it .. these anti anxiety meds give you anxiety. How much clonazepam do you take ? And how are you today?

[suzieq]

Hi lucy. Welcome. Know that there are others going through similar situations. The moderators and others are very supportive. Be strong and know that it will pass. Suzieq

[paul m]

Hello Lucy and welcome. Please feel free to ask questions, answer other people's questions and/or use the forum to vent. We do try and be supportive and most of us have hit some pretty rough spots along our travels, so we understand what a person may be going through. Take Care. paul m

[AJ]

Lucy I started a new thread for you under the section depression. I know others would like to welcome you too.

http://www.mooddisorderscanada.ca/forum/showthread.php?2180-Welcome-to-the-forum-Lucy

[salve]

Hi Salve

I think there’s a place for reading – whether you call it escape, entertainment, or educational. I remember the days when even driving to the library was not an option. And I remember when it would have been too much stimulation to look at all the call numbers just to find the one book I was looking for let alone all the words on the page of the book itself. What genre do you like, Salve? My genre is always nonfiction. For some reason I’m drawn to people’s harrowing experiences in countries like Iran and China. My latest book was a little lighter - “A Street Cat Named Bob” by James Bowen. I highly recommend it.

I understand the “know what to do to improve but can’t bring myself to do it” sentiment. A couple of things that get me past that thinking. One, although I don’t know how yet, it won’t always be this way. And two, there might be something else completely different that will improve my situation that I can do.

Hi Alisa!
Yes I totally understand what you mean when you say that there might be something else completely different that will improve my situation. I wonder that too. I'm bothered by the fact that my thinking is too rigid.

As for books, I take great comfort going to the library! It's quiet and and no overwhelming! In the past I mostly read a lot of fiction, especially classics. I've always been a fan of Russian and French writers. But these days I tend to stay clear of them because they most certainly aren't light feel good material! In saying that, they've informed my world view (particularly when I read them as a teenager). These days I read a lot of history and science, mostly because it's just darn interesting

[salve]

Hey Suzieq,
I'm sorry to hear that, and I understand, taking medications is rough, especially when you're body is adjusting to it. I hope things improve, and I hope your doc is helping you get through this.

I take 2mg of Clonazepam a night, which I believe is a medium dosage. Sleep paralysis is scary! For me, I feel like I'm on the verge of death, until I'm fully awake and realize how ridiculous the whole episode was. I experienced it for years not really knowing what it was, and shaking it off as just a weird dream like state.

I'm feeling OK today, my normal state, which is slight anxiety and mild depression. I hope you're having a good day!