more venting, reaching out, trying to understand my life:
I grew up with an alcoholic father where there was emotional abuse, ***ual abuse and had a non responsive depressive mother.
I have had my share of ***ualt assault and rape but the one I still can't handle is the time my own father came into my bedroom and told me while approching my bed with a huge vibrator in one hand that he was going to show me how to make love. I screamed like I never screamed and pushed him yelling for him to get out of my bedroom.
Through the years with much therapy, I have been able to forgive the other abuses, physical and ***ualt attacks but can't for the life of me forget what my father did.
I have stayed away from him 15 years now. The last time I saw him I was in mid 30's and he still came on to me, saying I was ***y ect.. I could not believe it and told him how sick he was and pushed him close to a window. I saw a flash of him crashing through the window and falling a 2 storey height and I killing him.
After that day there is no way I was ever going to see him again as I got too upset, angry and feared one day I would kill him.
Beginning about a month ago my PTSD has gotten worse, nightmares at night of him reaching for me ***ually, peeing in my bed...dear God I am 52 years old and much more anxiety. I know this is all caused by seeing his name on FACEBOOK.
My heart started beatting, nausea, headache and I read the comment he wrote answering the thread of my sister in law.
None of it made sense to me. His sentences, him speaking like he was God, a prophet, a spiritual guru, the worst of it is that he believes he is. To me he is sick, and a narcisstic person.
Anyways...so now I have been feeling like crying and numb at the same time and the PTSD has come back, my fears etc.
Just seeing him on Facebook is too close to me and it is freaking me out.
After all these years, he still destroys at times my fragile soul.
I am now retired 2 years on disability because of Bipolar and PTSD. My soul was broken and for the life of me I never returned to normal.
One day at a time and I will see a ray of sunshine again.
Pinkviolet
I grew up with an alcoholic father where there was emotional abuse, ***ual abuse and had a non responsive depressive mother.
I have had my share of ***ualt assault and rape but the one I still can't handle is the time my own father came into my bedroom and told me while approching my bed with a huge vibrator in one hand that he was going to show me how to make love. I screamed like I never screamed and pushed him yelling for him to get out of my bedroom.
Through the years with much therapy, I have been able to forgive the other abuses, physical and ***ualt attacks but can't for the life of me forget what my father did.
I have stayed away from him 15 years now. The last time I saw him I was in mid 30's and he still came on to me, saying I was ***y ect.. I could not believe it and told him how sick he was and pushed him close to a window. I saw a flash of him crashing through the window and falling a 2 storey height and I killing him.
After that day there is no way I was ever going to see him again as I got too upset, angry and feared one day I would kill him.
Beginning about a month ago my PTSD has gotten worse, nightmares at night of him reaching for me ***ually, peeing in my bed...dear God I am 52 years old and much more anxiety. I know this is all caused by seeing his name on FACEBOOK.
My heart started beatting, nausea, headache and I read the comment he wrote answering the thread of my sister in law.
None of it made sense to me. His sentences, him speaking like he was God, a prophet, a spiritual guru, the worst of it is that he believes he is. To me he is sick, and a narcisstic person.
Anyways...so now I have been feeling like crying and numb at the same time and the PTSD has come back, my fears etc.
Just seeing him on Facebook is too close to me and it is freaking me out.
After all these years, he still destroys at times my fragile soul.
I am now retired 2 years on disability because of Bipolar and PTSD. My soul was broken and for the life of me I never returned to normal.
One day at a time and I will see a ray of sunshine again.
Pinkviolet
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