ADHD & Anxiety taking over

[MoMoe]

Hi everyone

I have only responded to other's posts so I apologize if I am not doing this the correct way. I have been having a difficult week or so with my ADHD and anxiety. My work load at school is getting more intense and I am finding myself once again in a position where I am getting so anxious looking at everything I have to do and when I sit down to do it, I can't stay still for more than 10-15 minutes at a time. This has really started to snowball and now I am not sleeping again. My fear of failure is taking control and I go to bed so angry at myself for spending an entire day getting almost nothing done. The school contacted me yesterday and wants an update on where I am with my papers & assignments and I am afraid to tell her that I have fallen behind again. It is not far behind enough that a normally functioning person wouldn't be able to catch up on but everyday I feel like I am drowning just a little more. My disability insurance provider & Pdoc want me to start seeing an ADHD coach but by the time they get through all the red tape I will be finished school or have been kicked out. It seems my biggest problem is reading. I am not the fastest at writing papers either but when I have gotten through all the material, it certainly comes easier. I know how to read, as it is not an issue with illiteracy but rather with concentration. I get so frustrated that ay times I can sit and read for hours - when it is something that I don't HAVE to read. My text books and journal articles are actually subjects that interest me but I can't seem to quiet my mind enough to get through them without shifting in my seat or finding 1000 things around the house that I think needs to be done first. I started going to the library to see if that would help but I spent 2 days fascinated with my new surroundings. I am going back there this afternoon to try again. I guess I am just wondering if anyone can help me with any tips to keep me focused and on task with my readings. As it stands right now, I have literally 100's and 100's of pages I have to read and everyday the hole gets bigger and my anxiety won't let me break it down in to small tasks. That is how I usually handle it but sometimes when it gets to a point where I can't calm down enough to even organize it by tasks. Even that task seems insurmountable right now. I have been taking Concerta 72mg each morning for a few months now, which I thought was finally the right dosage for me but now I am starting to wonder if it is actually over stimulating me. I have been through all the lower doses with none seeming to do anything. I started with Adderall first and the same thing happened until I got to 30mg and I knew it was way too much. I felt drugged, anxious, angry outbursts etc. That is when I switched to Concerta
I am just feeling really out of control right now and the fear of being asked to leave my program is now weighing heavy on my mind again. Does anyone have any advice or tips/techniques on how I can go about tackling this elephant one bite at a time without having a complete breakdown? I am afraid to open up to my school directors about this again for fear they will not continue supporting me by accommodating my need for extra time to complete assignments.

[Pinkviolet]

Hi MoMoe,

Sorry you are going through difficult times. By the way there is no correct way to do this but I know about anxiety and lack of focus at work that exasperates more anxiety. For me that is why I am on disability retirement. The stress of work, exagerate my PTSD, Bipolar, Depression and Anxiety.

I am a junior member and know that we have more experienced members of this forum to guide you better.

But just the fact that you are speaking out is a plus which gives you better chances through dialogue to find all kinds of solution.
I would say, breathe, take the time to give you little breaks during the day to try to relaxe. Just look at your work day a day at a time, reading sections at a time without being too hard on you. You are still employed so also try not to imagine the worst and rather keep up your faith that there is a reason for all of this.

Take care and good luck finding the help.

[MoMoe]

Thank you for your encouragement PinkViolet. I am actually on long term disability from my work as well for the past 2 years. After a year of being off I became very agitated and felt like I had not purpose so I decided to apply to graduate school. I am doing it by distance and have 3 months left to the curriculum portion but now it has ramped up to focus on a thesis topic. I am behind in the course work and have no solid idea for my thesis yet so I am really agonizing over that. My classmates are all over Canada and none are in my province so I do this program is almost complete isolation. It is a mental health field as well so there is a lot of stuff that gets stirred up with my own health. My school knows about this and have been very accommodating but now I have to tell them I have fallen behind again and I am so ashamed. I keep telling myself that I don't have to feel that way but the pile of work sitting in front of me tells me different. I have only recently come to the realization that perhaps I took on too much considering I am supposed to be in recovery with hopes to someday return to work. I just know that there was no way I could continue on the same career path as before because I was starting to have more and more suicidal thoughts towards the end. My pdoc is aware of all this and has been very supportive - the other thing is - I, nor my pdoc actually know for sure if I was even allowed to start a graduate program while I am on LTD. She has been very careful with her reports as to not completely divulge this information yet indicating that I have been doing some "personal development" classes online - which she considered acceptable because it does not involve most of the issues that caused me to stop working. My fear is that if they realize what I am doing, they may say if I could do that then I should have been able to work and make me pay back the money for the last 2 years, or even work, legal action. I lose a lot of sleep over that. My LTD is up for review in June - around the exact time my classes finish. I have a huge amount of anxiety about what will happen then. I may be forced to go back to my old job, some different job, or just left jobless and on my own. That is all they will tell me. The program I am taking will take me another year or more to complete my thesis and practical placements so I wouldn't be able to just start working in the field right away. With regards to the upcoming evaluation with my LTD, they will determine if I am not able to work at anything, (in any capacity) in which case I will continue the disability indefinitely but I do want to work and my doctor knows I want to work but I just don't know if I cold handle being placed in a job involving my previous career. I can't tell right now if I have just pushed myself beyond what I was capable of doing during recovery, or if I am indeed not capable of handling any type of work environment. I am feeling pretty lost and confused right now and being so overwhelmed with my work just makes all of this seem like I am drowning and unable to even start a small "to-do" list. Thank you for listening. I have been having a really crappy week and feeling very emotional.

[dave]

Hi MoMoe, I am just getting ready to go to sleep and was not going to reply because I am too tired to give a detailed reply. There are many excellent book and online videos about Mindfulness and meditation. This would absolutely help.

[paul m]

Hello MoMoe. The MDAO has a pretty good guide to LTD. You had said that in June the insurance company will "With regards to the upcoming evaluation with my LTD, they will determine if I am not able to work at anything, (in any capacity)"

The guide explains what your rights are and how the insurance company cannot just throw you to the wolves after two yrs(or what ever term your plan calls for). They cannot make you do another job, if the doctors says that you cannot do any job at the present. They are entitled to have you examined by another doctor.

That's the simplified version, it is a bit more complex than that, so give the guide a read and maybe that will bring a little relief. http://www.mooddisorders.ca/guide/gu...erm-disability

In regards to going to school, I have no idea, Canada Pension Plan Disability allows university level course to be taken ,but the second you graduate you may be cut off. Take Care. paul m

[MoMoe]

Hi Paul

thank you for your thoughts on my LTD situation. I had a look at the link you sent which had some useful information. I am not in Ontario so I will still have to check on individual provincial regulations. What I do know is that my assigned case workers (I have had a total of 4 in the last year) will only give me vague answers to specific questions. They keep telling me that there are many possible outcomes after the 24 month review period and that they are all determined on an individual basis. They have yet to answer (or return my many calls about it) what my specific individual circumstances apply to me. It causes me a great deal of anxiety just not knowing what my near future holds. I have left 3 messages just in the last 3 weeks alone and still not response. It really scares me since they did say there is a chance that my benefits will be cut in June and if there is no job to go back to then I could be left without any job or income. I live alone and completely support myself so of course that is a great worry for me and makes it so hard to concentrate on school which is only perpetuating my problem with my studies. Sorry for venting again. I have been trying really hard these last few weeks to keep my head above water. Some days are good, others not so much.