Hi everyone First I will give a quick bit of background about myself. I have suffered with mental illness since childhood (untreated) I was deemed just hyper or possessing an overly active imagination to explain away (invalidate) my issues. It was the 70's so no surprise there. I wound up homeless at 16 and somehow managed to get on my feet and now at 47 in spite of dealing with some pretty awful mental health issues, managed to raise two amazing daughters and have been married for 27 years.
Over the past couple of years things have gotten pretty bad. I started to experience some severe manic episodes, one wherein I couldn't sleep and was awake for 81 hours. The intense manic periods can last as long as a week or more and although I enjoy the high, nothing can stop me sensation, my family doesn't seem to care for them too much. Can't blame them for that. I have had depressive periods that last much much longer. I was in bed for almost 6 months at one point. I was diagnosed bipolar. Now that doesn't mean I received treatment unless one considers a waiting list and almost two years to be somehow helpful.
So when there's no help you go looking for what you can find and I found vodka. I had it hidden all over the place. When the anxiety overwhelmed me and the thoughts (all 25 of them at the same time) got to be too much I would drink. Secretly. I was ashamed of course....kind of my go to position. Well then that wasn't cutting it so I started cutting. I was having dissociative episodes some as long as two days and others a few hours. In short I was falling apart, the strain of trying to appear okay was destroying me. I didn't talk to my family or my husband about what I was feeling because if I couldn't handle it how could they. I didn't want to lose them.
Everything came out, I became suicidal (no intention to commit, just that desperate) and made a call while sobbing and parked on the side of the road and emergency mental health services came to my house. Within days I was sitting with a therapist and and starting a short DBT course with a longer one planned. I admitted everything to my husband who assured me that all he wanted was the truth. He wanted to know what I am going through. I am not comfortable sharing what's going on, it scares me.
Now I feel that our relationship has changed. He was fine with the admission of what I had been doing but seems to lack any understanding that I am not in control of how I feel. I can't be Suzy sunshine when I'm depressed and I can't be mellow when I'm manic. I just and I mean two weeks ago. just started treatment. I started lithium and risperidone as well as clonazepam for the anxiety. I am at the clinic 3 times a week and still working 50+ hours a week. I have tried to explain it to him but he has just grown more distant.
I'm sure that I am not the only one to have gone through this. I know it's hard to live with someone with a mental illness but I don't speak rudely to him and as a people pleaser I go out of my way to take care of others so I am not sure what else I should do.
If anyone has been in this place and can offer either advice or encouragement it would be so appreciated.
Thanks for letting me share a little piece of my story and thanks for letting me be a part of your online community.
Alice
Over the past couple of years things have gotten pretty bad. I started to experience some severe manic episodes, one wherein I couldn't sleep and was awake for 81 hours. The intense manic periods can last as long as a week or more and although I enjoy the high, nothing can stop me sensation, my family doesn't seem to care for them too much. Can't blame them for that. I have had depressive periods that last much much longer. I was in bed for almost 6 months at one point. I was diagnosed bipolar. Now that doesn't mean I received treatment unless one considers a waiting list and almost two years to be somehow helpful.
So when there's no help you go looking for what you can find and I found vodka. I had it hidden all over the place. When the anxiety overwhelmed me and the thoughts (all 25 of them at the same time) got to be too much I would drink. Secretly. I was ashamed of course....kind of my go to position. Well then that wasn't cutting it so I started cutting. I was having dissociative episodes some as long as two days and others a few hours. In short I was falling apart, the strain of trying to appear okay was destroying me. I didn't talk to my family or my husband about what I was feeling because if I couldn't handle it how could they. I didn't want to lose them.
Everything came out, I became suicidal (no intention to commit, just that desperate) and made a call while sobbing and parked on the side of the road and emergency mental health services came to my house. Within days I was sitting with a therapist and and starting a short DBT course with a longer one planned. I admitted everything to my husband who assured me that all he wanted was the truth. He wanted to know what I am going through. I am not comfortable sharing what's going on, it scares me.
Now I feel that our relationship has changed. He was fine with the admission of what I had been doing but seems to lack any understanding that I am not in control of how I feel. I can't be Suzy sunshine when I'm depressed and I can't be mellow when I'm manic. I just and I mean two weeks ago. just started treatment. I started lithium and risperidone as well as clonazepam for the anxiety. I am at the clinic 3 times a week and still working 50+ hours a week. I have tried to explain it to him but he has just grown more distant.
I'm sure that I am not the only one to have gone through this. I know it's hard to live with someone with a mental illness but I don't speak rudely to him and as a people pleaser I go out of my way to take care of others so I am not sure what else I should do.
If anyone has been in this place and can offer either advice or encouragement it would be so appreciated.
Thanks for letting me share a little piece of my story and thanks for letting me be a part of your online community.
Alice
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