work rage .. road rage .. home rage ..

[Jafar the wizard]

If there's something I should be happy about .. then it should be about the remarkable progress I achieved in managing my anger .. or to be more precise .. to control my rage problems ..
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On December 2003 .. I made one of the most important decisions in my life .. I decided to see a psychiatrist to seek help & advice ..
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I don't remember the exact date but I'm sure it was in December 2003 .. it was the day I received my first Effexor prescription .. and starting from that day my life changed forever .. Medication became an essential part of my life .. Maybe different types of antidepressants & mood stabilizers .. but I never stopped taking it since that date .. the only possible reason for stopping taking it would be having no cash to buy it .. or no access to it ..
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I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar disorder then .. but I kept on seeing that psychiatrist on regular basis for four years .. and the major purpose behind the therapy was to maintain better control on my rage problems & to avoid the tragic consequences & the depressive episodes following it ..
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I had three types of rage problems :
Work rage , Road rage & Home rage ..
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Work rage was the most severe one & was the one that made my life miserable .. & in the same time made me pause & reflect .. then seek help .. because it was very obvious that it was hard for me to keep a job .. I always had arguments & clashes at work ..
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Road rage was also a problem .. & of course When I say ( road rage ) I mean specifically rage while driving my car .. traffic jams & bad drivers , you know ..
I'm saying this because maybe some of you don't know so much about it .. & you don't have to deal with it ..
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Home rage was somewhat less severe but for me it was a constant hazard that I had to learn how to deal with ..
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In February 2004 I found a well paid job & managed to stay in that job for more than three years .. then I had to resign & leave it to immigrate to Canada with my wife & two sons ..
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Three years might seem to be a short period of time .. but in that specific job it was an achievement for a person like me who had a bad history & kept on losing his jobs & having clashes with colleagues & managers year after year ..
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I came here to Canada & I was very optimistic .. and I was happy to start a new life here in Ontario ..
I wasn't smart enough to realize that my x had different plans in her mind ..
She had higher expectations & obviously my progress in therapy was way below these expectations ..
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Whatever happened after that .. and no matter how bad it was .. my setbacks were not related to rage & anger anymore .. it was majorly related to severe depression , anxiety , stress & emotional breakdowns .. and my road to recovery was totally different from the road I took in 2003 .. & in 2013 I began to search & learn more about Bipolar disorder .. & I had to talk to my psychiatrist about it .. because bipolar was the answer to a lot of my questions ..
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By the way .. ( road to recovery ) is an endless road .. but I have to take it & carry on ..
I always believed that we shouldn't count so much on a ( final recovery) .. in the end I'm just getting better in knowing how to live more peacefully with my mental illness & to have more control on it ..

[Neli]

You have been through quite a journey. I'm glad you are beginning to "live peacefully" with your mental illness and feel some empowerment over it. I agree there is no final recovery. I am very vigilant of my moods and stress levels and feel I am learning to live more peacefully with mine too.

[Jafar the wizard]

Yes Neli
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I've been through a lot .. but trust me .. I wish I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder much earlier than 2013 .. because it could have made my mission easier .. I was struggling a lot to maintain my anger & I could have saved myself from tears & emotional breakdowns ..
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Maybe diagnosis couldn't have saved my marriage but it could have answered a lot of questions ..
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VIGILANT
you said it
I needed to be more ALERT .. more VIGILANT ..
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Thank you neli

[paul m]

Hello Jafar. Thx for sharing your story. When people are able to share it helps us all (and I realize not everyone is mentally ready to do that). It certainly helps me. Over the years I've read and/or heard many stories. Without hearing those stories I would not have became as well as I am.

I can certainly relate to many of the items you mention such as: "I wish I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder much earlier". I say that a lot. In regards to rage, I used to have some dandy's. In regards to keeping a job, the longest I ever kept a job was 5 yrs and I managed that twice, however I also manged 2-3 mths many more times. In regards to the road to recovery being endless, we shouldn't count on a complete recovery and being able to live peacefully with illness and to have control of it. For many of us, I couldn't agree more. There are many things that my illness prevents me from ever doing again and 1976 (a good yr) isn't ever coming back.

For those of you who don't know, there are some interesting studies coming out that show that we have the worst rages when we are having a mixed state episode. That explained a lot of my rages. Manic episodes in children often presents itself as uncontrollable rage. They are not exactly sure why, but it does happen and I can remember having some huge rages as a child. Thx again and Take Care. paul m

P.S. If I can put a humorous side to rages, I did learn a couple of things. 1) If during your rage you have a tendency to throw things around our punch a wall, punch the side of a refrigerator instead. The fridge dents and doesn't hurt, punching a wall puts a hole in the drywall which you latter have to repair and it really smarts if you accidentally hit a 2X4 behind the drywall. LOL

2) in regards to road rage. A very intelligent person told me repeatedly the following. If I get all upset , curse and give the finger to some a**hole who just cut me off, do I really expect that said a**hole, being an a**hole in the first place is really going to correct their future driving habits just because I gave them the finger. It finally sank into my wee brain that my wife was right and the only person getting upset was me and that wasn't doing anyone any good. LOL.

I'm not proud of my rages, but sometimes it does help to find a humorous side to things.

[Jafar the wizard]

Hi Paul
thank you for commenting & I like the idea of hitting a refrigerator instead of hitting a wall
hhhhhhhh
Both are physical damage, though
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my road rage is almost reduced to 10% now .. first because driving in Ontario is less frustrating than driving in the Middle East hhhhhh .. & second is because of having better experience in avoiding stress .. it is wiser sometimes to avoid problems than trying to solve them .. exactly for the same example you mentioned : you can't atop an ****hole from being himself ..

[Jafar the wizard]

Mixed episodes .. I need to learn more about it .. thats not the first time I hear about it .. but its not as simple as it sounds to be ..

[paul m]

Hello Jafar. Mixed states are confusing to learn about partly because until the latest edtion of DSM (the book that docs use to diagnose mental illnesses) there were much more strict criteria for them and even in DSM 5 they still don't have the definition 100% right.

However it has long been known that mixed states can be a real problem, both to diagnose and then to treat. A bit of a primer are https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mixed_affective_state and http://psycheducation.org/diagnosis/...ates-as-waves/ the second link talks about rapid cycling too , which is also more common than first thought.

Don't worry if it all sounds confusing, because it is all confusing. However the best definition that I can give from experience is take a couple hypomanic symptoms , say a racing brain and the inability to rest or sleep, add a couple of depressive symptoms, like the inability to get off of the couch and do something and having a negative view about life, mix vigorously and that makes a person pretty irritable, maybe even lean towards rage. Add some rapid or ultra rapid cycling and it really make me irritable.

I know those explanations may not be the clearest, but it's the best I've got. Take Care. paul m