Loosing my temper

[Jafar the wizard]

Going back to work is not easy .. but it gave me more self confidence .. and of course it gave me more money to pay my rent ..

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However.. that's not the whole truth .. the truth is : my mood is still unstable ... I didn't work more than four days a week so far .. frequent absences are not good when starting a new job .. but everybody at work is nice to me so far & I think my direct supervisor is ok with my performance .. so far ..




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It feels good to have better self esteem .. but the problem is when you have bipolar disorder & you don't know when to stop your self esteem from going ( too high ) ..

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bipolar is all about this .. how can you stop yourself from going too far .. because after that nothing will stop you .. nobody can stop you .. nothing except a horrible big mistake you make .. with horrible consequences .. then you'll wake up .. and instead of stopping .. you'll fall heavily & quickly to the ground .. or maybe in a sinkhole underground .. and you'll be back to depression .. the manic episode will lead eventually to a depressive one ..

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I lost my temper twice today .. both times in the transit bus .. once with a driver & the second with a passenger .. luckily it didn't lead to a fight ..

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Wait a minute .. I actually lost my temper two days ago too .. in the bus with another passenger ..

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These are not good signs , Jafar .. hold your horses ..

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usually I hideaway when I see bad signs .. but can I always do that ?? .. last time it cost me my job .. being absent is the last thing your boss wants from you ..

[paul m]

Hello Jafar. Sorry to hear that you are running into problems. Self esteem is important, but you are right, when we have bipolar it's hard to tell whether it's good self esteem or mania. I've heard people say that bipolar is an impulse disorder, that is we sometimes have trouble controlling our impulses. Of course it's much more than that, but sometimes I've certainly felt that my impulsive moves have been as a result of mania.

Which then leads to me saying oh sh*t and crashing downwards sometimes. And so on in a vicious cycle. I try to break the cycle partly by trying to slow up some of my more impulsive behaviours and by trying to forgive myself when I make mistakes because of them.

I used to get terrible road rage. people rage, idiot rage etc , which lead to some unproductive behaviours and also fueled my mood swings. My wife was the one who finally pointed out the solution or at least part of it. . Basically she told me "yes the person I was yelling at was an as*hole, but did I really think that some one who was being an as*hole was really going to listen to me and that no matter what I said, the as*hole was going to continue to think that they were right and that the only person who was going to stay upset was me, as the other person was just going to blow their own behaviour off and not be upset in 10 minutes whereas I was going to be upset for hrs.". Assuming of course that I didn't get into further problems by being ticketed or turfed out of wherever I was. In which case my problems could last for days.

She was right. I would be the one that the argument affected the most and no matter how much I tried to justify my position or statement in the long run I was the only one being hurt. She was right in my case, so now I try and realize that most of my public arguing, no matter how rational, only hurts me. So I just run the words through my brain without actually saying them. It's not as satisfying as telling some idiot that they are an idiot, but it is less hard on me in the long run. Plus I don't replay in my head for hours what I should have said or beat myself up because I made a public spectacle of myself.

Believe me, I'm not criticizing you. Nothing bugs me worse than some as*hole doing something that totally ticks me off, but fortunately I have found a way to contain my rage most times (not always that's for sure). So I hope that you can find some way of not losing your temper even when it is justified, it may help to break the cycle. Take Care. paul m P.S. my wife doesn't use words like as*hole , that is my paraphrasing (unless she is referring to me LOL)

[Jafar the wizard]

I hear you Paul .. and trust me things were different before finding a job .. but I noticed the change & im trying to be aware of my mood swings & become more careful..
thank you for sharing your thoughts ..

[MrsJekyllHyde]

Hi Jafar, how has work been going? This is my first time on here and glad to know Im not alone. Well, Im not glad anybody else has to feel these things, but glad to be able to relate.
The part about not being able to stop until you make a mistake is something im familiar with, Im working on that right now. Hope things go good for you, too.
Good luck with dealing with people on the transit. They are unbelievable at times but its probably not worth it. . personally, I feel a little better afterwards (wayy later usually) when I overcome the urge to get confrontational.
I hope something I say helps in some way. Im new to this and just getting used to it. I also dont want to upset anybody.

All the best.

[Jafar the wizard]

Hi MrsJekyllhyde
Thanks for the support ..
Sharing experiences on this website is good for all of us .. And that's something we can be glad about ..

[Jafar the wizard]

I was very successful in controlling my temper ..
However .. Bipolar manic episodes are not only about temper .. Focusing on my temper made me forget about another challenge : .. ( How to avoid trying to be a SUPERMAN .. ) ..
Unfortunately.. I hurt my back at work .. I had to stay at home for three weeks .. Well .. almost always at home .. I try to walk & do grocery frequently .. But all away from work .
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. I'm back to work now .. Only office work & part time .. I'll talk about details later ..

[AJ]

Welcome to the forum MrsJekllhyde.

Jafar I'm sorry to hear about your back. I hope you are feeling better soon.

[Jafar the wizard]

Hi AJ
Thanks for asking .. Yes I'm much better .. But not back to normal .. physiotherapy sessions started this week .. Hopefully this will help for full recovery ..

[AJ]

I'm glad you're much better Jafar, and I hope the physiotherapy helps in your recovery.

[paul m]

Hello Jafar. I hope that you have a speedy recovery. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m

[Jafar the wizard]

Thank you for your nice words , Paul & AJ ..

[Jafar the wizard]

Paul ..
i was reading your old comment for the second time today .. when you talked about road rage & idiot rage .. & of course about controlling our impulses .. and more importantly the use of the word AS******LE .. hahahaha ..
Sometimes I look at this word from a different angle .. in a ( somewhat positive ) way ..
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I tell myself : being an AS********LE is one of the human rights ..
Everybody has the right to be an AS*******LE once in a while ..

[paul m]

Hello Jafar. I believe in the same rights LOL. Take Care. paul m

[MrsJekyllHyde]

Hi Jafar, Did the change affect your mood at all while you were away from work? And how are you feeling now that you are back? .. I've been having some personal issues with working lately. Im trying to take it all in stride. I like to ask questions and I like to hear peoples' thoughts/opinions/experiences so I hope you don't mind me asking.

-Mrs JekyllHyde

[Jafar the wizard]

Hi Mrs Jekyll hide ..
having a rest at home is good for relaxation & to avoid being irritated .. however .. I have to admit that back pain can be more irritating than dealing with people in public places ..
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im back to work .. working only three days a week .. no physical tasks .. only office ..
im going in the right direction ..