A stranger staring at me

[Jafar the wizard]

A stranger staring at me ..

..

Putting my earphones & listening to music is my own passive way of avoiding annoyance in public places .. and of course to avoid loosing my temper ..

..

However .. it does not work all the time ..

few hours ago .. I was sitting in the bus & noticed a stranger looking at me .. I ignored him ..

..

then it was time to transfer to another bus .. but guess what ? .. here he is again staring at me ..

..

Well .. maybe he didn't mean it .. but no .. he insists .. and if I don't stare away he wouldn't .. a crazy man maybe ? .. but he chose the wrong person .. I'm crazy too ..

..

despite the fact that he was bigger & taller than me .. & looks aggressive .. I decided to stare back .. & to never stop until he stops this stupid game ..

..

He didn't like my reaction.. so he came closer to me .. I took off my earphones and kept staring back with an unfriendly look .. he came even closer & I stood up & took off my glasses and continued the stupid eerie aggressive eye contact challenge .. & I spoke directly to him :

" Do you want to tell me something ? Say it now .. because I'm not gonna stop until you stop staring at me .. "

..

he didn't talk .. instead he brought his face closer to my face & I dared him back .. one inch between noses .. I was so crazy & ready to ruin my whole day in order to teach this bastard the lesson I thought he needed to learn .. yes .. that's why I avoid people .. because the only way for me to avoid trouble is to avoid being outside when I'm not in a good mood ..

..

Then the bus stopped .. passengers want to pass but Mr Big Bully is blocking the way .. and he's the one whom they talk to .. I haven't left my seat .. he's the one who left his seat & approached me ..

..

The driver was a few feet away .. the eye contact challenge was between two passengers sitting in seats facing each other very close to the driver .. and it was obvious who left his bag on seat and came in a threatening aggressive approach ..

..

The driver noticed that something is happening .. he asked us : " what's wrong ? " .. I told him " I don't know .. but this guy has left his seat & is playing a silly game of staring & staring back .. but obviously he chose the wrong target .. I'm staring back at him .. and I'll never stop this until he goes back to his seat .. " ..

..

then I talked directly to the big bully & told him : " I think it's time for you to go back to your place .. "

..

The driver asked us to ( take it easy ) .. then he was more assertive : " stop this or I'll have to call the police " ..

..

" that's exactly what I want you to do " .. . I replied instantly .. " I have all the time in the world to wait if I need to .. " ..

..

one passenger talked to the big bully & told him in a nice way that it's better to leave the bus & take the next one coming in five minutes .. because it's better than waiting for the police .. & all the unnecessary things etc ..

..

the big bully stopped staring at me for the first time since the start of the trip .. he talked in whispers to the driver & got a reply in whispers too .. he went back to his seat then picked up his bag & left the bus ..

..

I sat down .. put on my glasses & earphones .. and didn't say or do anything.. until I reached my destination .. and of course I needed to make sure that the big bully is not following me to put up a fight ..

..

Now why am I telling you about this ? .. to pretend to be a ( rough stuff ) ?? .. not at all .. I'm scared inside.. not only because i could have been beaten by a bigger guy .. but because that's another failure for me ..

Yes it is .. I hate the fact that I can be so easily irritated & provoked .. I feel weak & fragile .. I feel uncomfortable .. I'm on the edge of falling in the trap of anger & depression & devastation again ..

I'm not trying to find excuses for my recklessness & lack of wise judgement .. but I really feel terrible now ..

..

It's been always a problem for me when someone dares me .. when somebody threatens me .. and my reactions were always based on a mission to teach that ( somebody ) a lesson .. that he or she will never get away with it .. sometimes it works .. sometimes it doesn't .. it's a very risky game ..

..

That stupid asshole ruined my temper for some unknown stupid reason .. & I know that I'm on the edge of loosing it now .. and the only way for me to avoid this is to relax & stay away from people for a while ..

..

Maybe the finger language print on my T shirt provoked this big bully ? .. it's nothing but the letter ( y ) in fingers language .. index & pinky out .. and thumb in .. some people might not like it ..

This sign



..

Whatever it is .. I have a very bad feeling about this .. and I really don't know .. what's the right thing to do .. it's either work & be vulnerable .. or hide at home be evasive ..

[paul m]

Hello Jafar. Sounds like a tough day. You didn't ask for any advice so I won't give you any. However I'm sure that you are upset about what happened and you have my sympathies on that. Take Care. paul m

[Jafar the wizard]

Hi Paul ..

..

thank you for commenting ..

yes .. you're right .. I haven't asked for an advice .. but you can say one .. or maybe you can write your opinion ..

..

Everybody here can write .. remarks , advices , comments & opinions are welcome .. just try not to be too harsh on me ..

[paul m]

Hello Jafar. I certainly did far stupider things when my illness wasn't under control. So I certainly won't be harsh on you. Once in a while my temper still snaps in a public place and I say dumb things. So you are not alone.

Everyone at one time or another feels inadequate about something. Usually that feeling of inadequacy is deep rooted and has a genuine cause. my biggest fear is one of failure in whatever I do. That fear was caused by failing a zillion times while ill. It doesn't seem to matter how many successes that I have had, I still have an irrational fear of failure and I can over react when challenged. Not necessarily physically , but I can get pretty mouthy.

I suspect that you have the same deep rooted problem , just a guess and not an analysis. Bipolar tends to cause us all to fail at times and none of us like to fail. So we over react when challenged.

What to do about it. Try to believe in yourself. You've had a tough time , yet your still alive, next most important you realize that this is a problem. Just the fact that you realize this is a problem and that you feel bad about it means that you are actually a pretty good human being. You said "I'm not trying to find excuses for my recklessness & lack of wise judgement .. but I really feel terrible now .."

Bad people don't feel that way. So step one is to say to yourself everyday "I'm a good person with a bad illness and not a bad person with good excuses" . Try it you will feel better about yourself eventually. Second try and find out what is the cause of your behaviour, is it like mine a fear of failure, a bad combination of medications and deeply rooted in childhood experiences combined with a prolonged period of improperly treated bipolar. Because once you start to figure out what the causes were than you can start figuring the solutions.

Until then, keep repeating, I'm a good person with a bad illnesses and not a bad person. I also found that sometimes it helps to apologize to innocent bystanders the next time I see them. Take Care. paul m

[Jafar the wizard]

I hear you , Paul .. thank you for sharing your thoughts ..

[AJ]

I have said many things under my breath in public and not so quietly in a car (with rolled up windows) in traffic, but I sure have put my foot in my mouth plenty of times.

[Jafar the wizard]

if I was in a better mood .. I would leave my place & sit somewhere else .. it's one choice .. one of many .. you just have to choose what's better for you ..