Follow-up question

[paix]

Hello everyone,
I need some help understanding what I'm living-- and just need to talk to someone I guess. So here is my short story: first depression maybe when I was 23, then it passes.... At 24, was my next big depression, follow up by quick manic state cause by an anti-depressant. Then, other depression, follow up by a manic or hippomanic state, again cause by an anti-depressant. Of course, all these were created in part because of dfficulties in my life...
From then on, and the last 10 years, mostly no depression or manic state, just felt tired, anxious, uncomfortable, difficulty to concentrate, brain fog... Psychotherapy, tweaking by my psychiatrists of the pills I had to take, sports, yoga, didn't change that. I was able to finish my doctoral degree and find a job as a professor. Don't know how I did that right now.
Now, I guess I'm living another depression-- that seems the most appropriate term to define what I'm living; I have been on a leave of absence since the beginning of the semester. But here is my problem: it just seems to me that I'm just lliving an exercabation of the symptoms I already have, worse than usual, but kind of similar.
So, that is the point, I don't feel I fit the bipolar patterns, it seems more like I had a small depression for the last 10 years-- which is kind of discouraging if that is my "normal" state. Is there anyone who heard of something like this? A normal consequence of pills? Regarding this point, I'm now taking more pills beaause of my current state.
I know that is a weird a post, but I will be thankful of any feedback regarding my story.
Paix
p.s. is there a way to get an email when someone respond to a post?

[quack424]

Hi paix,

I spend more time depressed than manic, and actually went for over 10 years without a manic episode of any kind. I usually only get psychotic symptoms when manic, or experiencing rapid cycling. I've only ever had one full blown manic episode, at least as far as expected symptoms go. So that makes me Bipolar type I, even though I get hypomanic symptoms much more frequently than manic.
Long story short, bipolar patterns can vary greatly. Generally speaking, a diagnosis of bipolar needs a full manic episode for type I or hypomanic episodes for type 2. From your story, you get these as an effect from anti-depressants. My doctors refer to anti-depressants as "rocket fuel for mania" and are careful in how they use them with me.
I spent ten years without any medication and had no real problems. I've now been on a variety of pills for a year and a half. This has definitely altered my "normal" state. It's not an ideal state, but I can't tell what is from the illness and what is from the medication. It's manageable. I can work reasonably effectively. I'll find out soon how my own graduate studies go - I'm worried about my ability to concentrate and my memory, and maintaining a higher energy level through the semester.
The patterns of how the illness expresses itself in me is, from my vantage point, not a typical expression of bipolar disorder. What I try to figure out and watch for, are my own patterns. After now 30 years of experience with mental illness, I would say I don't have much of a pattern. Each episode is different, while sharing some common features.

Diagnosis is difficult and an inexact science. So is treatment. And so is trying to figure out what is symptom and what is side-effect. I'm not in the same boat as you, but I think we might both be in boats, so I hope some of this is helpful to you. I hope you can be back to where you want to be soon.

[paul m]

Hello Paix. It's more common than uncommon that an illness that hasn't been treated properly will progress and get worse. This can take years or happen quickly. As pointed out, for some antidepressants(A/D's) can be poison. However there are many types of anti depressants and many ways to use them. For me, the only A/D that I can take is wellbutrin and then only for about 6-8 weeks(any longer and then I'm manic or rapid cycling). However whenever I do need to take that, it gives me the lift that I need to get out of the depression that I'm in.

Some times what I suffer from is called anxiety driven depression, that is, if I remove the anxieties go away. I do this through a combination of CBT and some light use of anti anxiety medications. However I could right for months and still not hit the nail on the head as to what is wrong with you or how to cure it. There are a couple of guesses on my part, one would be that you may have bipolar NOS (not other wise specified) or it could be a type of bipolar called Cyclothymia , for more info see https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/...-disorder-nos/ . It could even be a type of depression called Dysthymia and if I had to guess, I would suggest reading up on this one. http://www.healthline.com/health/depression/dysthymia#1 In the article it states that

" Dysthymia is considered a “milder” form of depression than a major depressive disorder (MDD) because its symptoms usually last much longer than in MDD. However, it can often be the more debilitating of the two diseases."

I don't agree that it is much milder as I hate ranking illnesses. However it is a much longer lasting form of depression and often very difficult to treat.

Neither of the above links that I have given you are great links, but they are easy to read and good starter links. So invest some times and do some serious research on Dysthymia as well as alternative forms of bipolar and then discuss them with your doctor. If you haven't done so, you might also want to get a very good physical and even pay a little to make sure that your b-12 etc are good (vitamin levels aren't always included in a standard physical). Many physical problems, such as thyroid, low vitamin levels etc can cause problems with depression. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m
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[AJ]

Hi Piax. Under your user settings you can set the forum to send you email notifications.

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Just go thru all the settings on the notification page settings and tick the ones you want.

[Fighting back]

Hello paix,

Your story probably rings familiar with nearly everyone here. Of course, I am generalizing and that in itself can be very frustrating when you are looking for help.

For what it's worth, I have been lurking and occasionally participating in the discussion here for the last few years. One of the conclusions I can draw is that the medical community likes to apply labels. Depressive disorder, bipolar, I and II, mood disorder, anxiety, etc. All of them cyclic and the only difference seems to be which part of the mood spectrum you operate in. Myself, I do not experience the euphoria associated with bipolar, but my mood is consistently low. Still, I experience periods of productivity punctuated by lapses where I am unable to complete the simplest tasks. Just the other day, I read an article which seemed to exactly describe such symptoms as bipolar, yet my diagnosis was severe depression.

It's no wonder that treatment is such a hit and miss ordeal. I found the side effects of antidepressant medication to be unpleasant to the point that my depression would deepen. Common advice was to keep changing the medications till a compatible cocktail was found. I found some degree of relief in CBT. Bottom line is that everyone may find a different solution.

I think everyone experiences some degree of mood swing. What becomes a concern is when you mood dips into that part of the spectrum where you may come to harm. That is commonly defined as the classic question of suicidal thoughts. What becomes unknown is whether you have the capacity to follow through on such thoughts. I doubt anyone can answer that question honestly.

I lived most of my adult life struggling with emotional swings and I would consider the problem to have become chronic. I was diagnosed 5 years ago and the results represent quite a disruption in my lifestyle. My high pressure career effectively ended. I have mixed feelings about that, but that is tempered by the realization that I likely owe my continued existence to that development. If depression did not exact its ultimate price, other stress related ailments could have taken me out, the warning signs were everywhere.

Thinking back, there were several occasions where I had expressed concern about my unstable mood. One memorable event had the medical help sought only to be told that I really did not want to go there. It's a very misunderstood affliction and the best advice may be to trust your own judgement. We all have a survival mechanism built in, we just need to allow it to function.

[paix]

Hello everyone,
I just want to thank you all for taking the time to write such detailed answers to my question. It does help me a lot to hear from you.