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My Life

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    My Life

    Hey, so I wrote my life down a couple days ago, and it felt good. I had been in a depressive state following the death of my good good friend and it seems that doing this, wrtting my life story helped. I also started a new sleeping medication, which is so importaant. I hadnt had a good night sleep in so long. Parts of my story are in french, but mainly in english. I also don't care about any grammar mistakes, because i dont LOL.

    I didn't know where i could share it, till i found this forum, so here you go! (Its a long read but if it can help someone out, its worth it). The format is also really messed up, it was a copy paste.


    My Life,

    By James McDermott

    How can something, something so special and wonderful, but also be so negative, hard and sometimes unfair, be worth it all? Who chooses what happens in your life? Are you really in control? Or is it only sometimes? Or your honestly just going for a ride hoping for it to stop at that perfect moment? It’s none; life is just random bullshit with a shiny horn the bull ate.

    For some, it’s the whole thing, a nice crap full of randomness, shit and that shiny horn. Others will get a little bit of randomness and a huge chunk of shiny and little bit of shit. But there are some, who get stuck with a lot of randomness, and a tad of shit, or vice versa. Some will get so much randomness and so much shit, that there’s no horn, well so it seems. Life is random, a shit and that shiny horn. You may not see it, but I can tell you, through all the randomness and shit, that there is, somewhere, that nice horn is waiting for you, and when you reach it, life will the most wonderful and special thing ever, and even more rewarding for some of us.

    Everyone hurts everyone. Someone may of broken there leg, or someone may have been paralyzed. It’s not fair to say one hurts more than the other. For each person the level pain is unimaginable. You may evaluate the physical pain, but what about the emotional pain? Pain isn’t comparable, you cannot measure pain, and you cannot measure mental pain, emotional pain.
    The reason I want to write my life story down is simply because I feel like it. Maybe it will help cure me, controlee my issues, idk, maybe the ones I’ve loved will be able to have a full understanding, or maybe not, idk. Maybe some will take this as an apology, maybe some won’t, I don’t care, I know who I am, inside of me, and those who’ve taken the time to know this real James, and stick by me when I disappear, I Love you. And even for those who can’t/couldn’t, I Still love you, it’s not easy, especially living through it daily. My door is always open, the more the cozier.

    Now let’s start,
    My name is James, I’m currently a 21 male suffering from a pretty big depression and bipolar disorder who’s girlfriend had to dump me infront of others due to her being scrared of me. I would never lay a finger on a woman, nevertheless the girl of my dream, the one who blew up my fortress where love was hiding, but emotions are something so different. So let’s get going from the beginnings.

    The Younger Years (0-5)
    Fair warning, the earlier years are shorter, memories a blanker and ages are the most precis. I know there is more to them then what I’m going to tell you, but those are my memories and what affected me. My mom, Dominique, and my Dad, Terry, where are a happy married couple. Heck, I even got a bigger sister! Alex!J
    However, things changed. I was born. Not many of you know this, but I needed to have my collarbone broken in order to enter this world. I was sideways or something and that was the only move possible at the time. However, even so, my mom would always tell me how happy and smiling I was when I had a broken collarbone, sick, deformed face. From that moment on, she knew that resiliency would come in handy, and let me tell you it as. Oh, while that was happening, my father was becoming an alcoholic and had gotten diagnosed bipolar. I want to get through this fast and not get back to it till latter, my dad was an alcoholic, try new meds, either mix or stops and get back to being a drunk, a full cycle for a long time. He finally got out of it, and today, for the past 2 weeks, I feel like I’m getting to know the man that my mom feel in love with, and I can’t wait to go see him and share with him once I stabilize.
    Anyways, tangent done, my dad lived with us until 3 or 4, maybe 5, and the only thing I remember is him sleeping in the basement, fighting with my mom and one fight my mom and him had where there went in the bathroom and me and my sister where looking through the bottom slip of the door and trying to listen. However, I do have one thing, and this is the shiny horn of this section, I found hockey. My dad was with me at home (can’t remember where mom was), but we stayed up very late, watching a Colarado Avalanche vs Calgary Flames game, where I feel in love with Joe Sakic. From that moment on, he was my favorite player. Hockey has been my savior and it will continue.

    Primary School
    Not much to stay, had my friend, my best friend Mac. We did everything together from grade 1 to 6. In hockey I was often last cut, but would always join either the French or English team where everyone loved me. Even the guys that stayed on the double letters in later years still loved me, and I didn’t know why. Maybe it was me smiling, idk. Had success, one some tournaments, but you know, I still thought I was a double Letter player. I was never a weak player, I was always relied on wearing many Cs and As. Hockey, again, was my horn, my second family where everything was perfect. I had fun, everyone liked me, and it was a blast.
    However, outside of hockey, things weren’t so nice. I had Anger issues, being mean, aggressive in a way. The child you saw it the locker room was so different outside. I can still remember ruining after kids and things would go blurry and I’d feel this anger come over me, but I was chubby so I’d get tired out and that was that. I’m remembering this as we speak, I feel like lots of things will. In class though, I was very smart. I would more than often finish everything hours ahead of anyone, and I’d keep busy. I’d never study, got 75-85. While all of this good stuff was going on, well the bullshit was starting. We hadn’t seen our dad for a couple of year, and at around 6 I think we started supervised visits, and eventually, when I was 8 or so, I got very mad, like I did a lot, and controlled my mom into staying with him that night. Well boy, was that ever such a mistake (or a godsend, depends how you see it). I woke up in the middle of the night, and went to the kitchen for some water, but couldn’t reach the counters. So, hearing the tv still on, I go to where it is and as my dad “papa I’m thurste”. All I remember is him lifting his drunk passed out head up and over the part where you’d place your elbow, and point at a transparent liquid. Lil Jimmy here all thirsty and shit takes a huge swig, and RIP lil Jimmy. Got sick, mom came, didn’t see him for 3 years. He knew he shouldn’t of had me with him, not matter how much I wanted, and I was so mad at him for so long, but I forgive you papa, you weren’t yourself back then and I know you love us, you just couldn’t handle your randombullshit shiny horn yet, but now you seem like you have, and that I’ll be able to meet my real father, for the first time.

    Part 2

    HighSchool and start of cegep
    Honestly, high school, not that bad. First 3 years were rough, last were good.
    Grade 7 started of nice, I had finally made a double letter team, and that year we were simply the best. We were 2nd in Quebec at one point and won many tournaments. It was my second favorite year of hockey.Grade 7 to 9, we would see our dad, but I was either at our house, fallen asleep on the couch, or at the movies, also fallen asleep. The worst is that he wouldn’t realise. Some days he was ok, but I have more memories of the bad ones, then I can find good one. I sat at the other end of the movies so I wouldn’t be bothered. I was still very angry all the time, and in grade 9 I was also very sick, and I eventually couldn’t handle my dad no more, used his credit card to buy like 200$ worth of fifa packs and cut him straight out of my life, a last **** you. I also had some problem with bullies one year but my anger took controlee of him, I lifted him up by the neck and saw his fear, and I still do to this day. That whole 3 year period was just so much anger and frustration, but to the common eye, no way you could tell I hd developed a technique to hide those feelings, feelings that could get me hurt once again. Over the next year, I started getting better, no more anger, more friends, friends with people from your past (Ryan and Vince) and new One (Johnny, Ariane, Davis, Robin, Francis, Ernie, Fil, Davis. Everything was going great, heck my highschool year I got named Captain alongside Filip Ivanovic for our high school hockey team and that year was phenomenal. We won everything until the semis in the provincial. Ill also never forget what Coach Big-G said when we were down by 2 with 4 to go in the 3rd “next goal wins”. We scored 4. The end of high school was a blast and the following 2 and half years were a blast. Partied, starting drinking and smoking pot, the pot became regular, after my first year cgep, I switched the commerce class, starting missing class to smoke weed, but I was still passing. I mean, I took my final in one of my classes blazed like a kite and my teacher was sure I was gonna fail. Nailed an 80. I thought I was the man. Getting dates left and right, but would always end with me being up, and in retrospect was me handling with love, by anger. My horn was meeting Coach G, who was like a father to me. Through all the crap, even if there wasn’t that, I still found that horn, it kept me going.

    Summer 2016
    Things went bad fast, started smoking more weed, my best friend and his girlfriend was ruining our relationship. Dates would end with me texting the girls mean things, maybe not all, but I can’t remember and I feel like I’ve hurt each and every single one of them, and I’m super sorry if I did. Toward my birthday, September 3rd, school had started back and one of my good friend, a brother, Ryan Hendrick, talked to me about mental issues, and together (or maybe more me), thought I had ADHD, and that I could get pills to help focus in class. Boy was I wrong and boy did everything changed.

    October 2016-November 2016
    These were some of the toughest and roughest time, for me and my mom. In October 2016, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after having my first maniac episode the month prior. I don’t’ remember that month, nothing beside anger. When I found out, I was very sad, very depressed because I was like my dad, one thing I never want. However, I remember being like, what do I do? IT was simple, try the meds, which aren’t any different to someone insulin if they are diabetic, give it time and find your happy place. Well, I did. Dek hockey saved me, I had found my horn. It saved my life, I not was finding my love for the game of hockey again, but I actually felt like, with enough hard work and practice, I could be the best in this sport. From October to November, things we’re hard at home, screaming, throwing shit, and making holes. I actually ****ing fought my best friends dad, and I remember him punching me and I was like, don’t go there James, don’t do something you will regret for ever. I remember seeing a free-weight that I could reach and smack him, or a cord to choke him, but when that happened, the James, the James that is nice, compassionate, smiling, friendly, loves everyone, makes people smile and laugh, gets sent to the bleacher and I’m there for the show. Something bad could have happened, I no longer control those moments, and the worst is afterward I have to live with that, when I know, deep down, that that isn’t James. Instead of using violence, the other James hurts you, with words, and with your emotions, controls you, which is even worst. Me or him we are incapable of creating physical, just emotional which is much worst, especially to those we love because we not only feel our hurt, but there’s.

    December 2016- April 2017
    I’m still angry, holes, screaming, etc., but less frequent. I started time keeping at dekhockey which helped so much. I also meant a role model, a guy, who sold drogue, was addicted, went to prison, lost a ****ing thumb, and because of family, is brother James Deslauriers mainly, got himself healthy. That was such a push in the back for me which helped me so much to get better. Things improved, but still too much of anger.

    April 2017- Jan 2018
    Things improved, everything improved, anger seemed to have disappeared, medication was working and I felt happy. I was getting better at ball hockey and my summer job at Great Canadian Bungee. The only thing was that hard was to see my loved one, my sister included. My technique to not love, of feel it, was still going, the box of love was still clutch closed, and it had grown to a Castle. I couldn’t be with my family, whether it was shame, or admit I do love, or whatever it; it would make me very anxious and stress, which the anger would then come back out. But beside that, life was much better now than a year before.

    Jan 18-April 2018
    I thought I was ready to go back to school, but I couldn’t. The stress, anxiety, and mainly the panic and lack of concentration just made it unbearable experiences. The anger was slowly coming back, but I could control. By now, I was very good at controlling my anger, but controlling it when I’m stable. I left school and went back to Bungee


      Part 3

      April 2018- November 2018
      Old Jim was back. Honestly, thing were so much better. My rage, still present, but more controllable, and less less frequent. My job at the bungee was the best, getting tan and having fun with the lady customers. It was awesome. Was starting to see girls again and everything was fine. As of October 2018, it had been 2 years and it had been 1 yr. and half was I was stable, with my anger controlled at 99%. I was dating girl, trying to meet the perfect girl and, when you less expected, you find her.

      Aude. I will find and re-open that box, like you did for my fortress.
      **** I love her. I made this whole plan on how I would get her, even though I knew she had a boyfriend. I knew my odds were 0 to none but from the first time I saw her, I felt a crack inside, a crack in the fortress that I had built for so long to protect myself, from exactly this. From the moment I first saw her, I knew, and then when I heard her voice, it was done. Tu es la femme de ma vie, je ne te ferais jamais de mal physique, et plus jamais de mal emotionnel. Je te le jure sur ma propre tete.

      November 2018-March 1st 2019
      So, this plan, I know I should have never done it; however, she did something for me that I never ever thought someone could do, so I will never regret any of the actions. The first time I saw her in nets, there team sucked and if I asked Pat, I knew he would get me on their team. So he did. First game we play together, nothing is said we just play a good game and, being honest, I look good when I play dekhockey, I try too and she noticed. The second one is where it changed. Her boyfriend wasn’t there and super suddenly, after freezing the ball, she’s likes “Squoi ton nom toi?”, and at that moment, when I heard her, I felt the crack get bigger in the fortress. After the game I send her an Instagram video that made me thing of her, she laughed a little, and it took a week and she message me when I changed her nickname de Maude instead of Aude in the team chat and that’s when it fully started. Each day, our conversations would get wronger and wronger, considering she was in a relationship. Until one day I was like let’s just go watch a movie and grab a bit, and she accepted! I was so happy! At the movie, I remember trying to put my hand on her leg, but the look she gave while taking it off meant something else…she wanted, just couldn’t. This kept going for a couple of week, were she started coming over. I resisted so much, the first time…The second time, the condom broke… The third time it was too small. We went for lunch a Jean Burger, got some and it was the most wonderfull thing in the world. This happened at the end of November. We messed around for the until Christmas were she was planning on ending it, but that afternoon, December 26 2018, skating in the forest, you fell in love with me, and it was the first time we actually made love..because my fortress was down, about to blow. December 31st rolled around, we went for breakfast a mothertucker, and in the car, before going to Montreal, my wall of defense, explode and I found love again. She busted that wall and made me fall in love with her. For the next 2 month, it was rough, my anger, sadness because it felt, to me, she was cheating on me. She couldn’t leave the guy, who hadn’t realized there couple had been working for 6 month, and been getting cheated on for 4 months. Nothing against the guy, im sure his nice and I sure wish you could get to know the real me, but she wasn’t treated right. Something I have done stopped but will not stop ever again to prove to her. I had finally figured out what the true meaning of life was. Randomness was you don’t know what may happen when. Then the shit, which is meant to stop you from getting the horn, are all the obstacles. And the horn, the horn was love. No matter how much I love Dek hockey and it’s been my horn for years, the true Horn is love, love with your one and only.
      She finally left him March 1st.

      March 1st- June 16
      I took some getting used to, but after a month I got used to having a girlfriend and maybe if it didn’t show, I was so happy. We were improving one another. I was learning to love and be more dependent on other, and she was learning to be more independent. Not every day was nice, I would get a little bit angrier but I was able to controlee it, and I would leave when I felt it too much, so I wouldn’t hurt her. After 3weeks of being officially together, I was so so happy and so was she. Then, tragedies just started hitting us. Her brother was moving for the summer for work, her twin, and it was really hard, but at the same time, my grandpas died on Easter. Some say she couldn’t help or was selfish or whatever, but that false. I didn’t want her there, I didn’t want her to see me lose control, I didn’t want her to meet my family in a shitty situations. Helping her get through her stuff for her brother was self-healing, maybe you’ll don’t understand that but for me, consoling her was consoling me. But hey, we got through it together, and we then had 2 wonderful tournaments together over the next month and half, 2 weekends that I will for always and always remember. The first one, we each one on our own respective teams, but then we won in our mixte team and the cheers ma Chose Pref was getting was making me so happy, so proud. And then the next tournament I got to watch her win as a player, after spending a wonderful weekend in tremblant. Everything was going so great, what could go wrong?

      June 16
      My best-friend died. Vincent Robichaud, t’étais plus qu’un ami, un meilleur ami. T’étais mon frère, et tu vas toujours l’être. L’athlète surhumain, le rayon de joie, center of attraction! Tu ma tellement montrer de chose. T’étais notre leader en novice A, pis tu vas toujours l’être. De la première fois ou on a joué au hockey, ou quand tu ma amener un article dans le journal qui parlais de mon équipe, a la première fois ou on sait saouler dans ton sous-sol historique, à la fois ou Ryan a marier toi et Maxance et tout ce qui c’est passer cette nuit-là, ou quand on a mis Mac sur un autre ile quand il était pass out, ou quand on a eu la brillante mais la meilleure des idées à monter le mont-orford au milieu de la nuit saoul, ou quand on crash un wedding party et toi et Ryan on fait du karaoké, pis j’ai pitcher ta redbull a l’eau. Je ne commencerai même pas sur nos Rowdy Boys Adventures, a l’été comme à l’hiver.

      Ton décès me bouleverse, et tes funérailles je n’étais pas capable, car j’avais déjà perdu contrôle. Le jour avant, je suis rentré en dépression agressive. Mes dépressions ne sont pas triste, c’est plutôt de l’agressivité verbal et émotionnel. Je te vois partout, je crois t entendre partout, je vire agressif. Mais, je peux dire, de 1111000% confiance, je ne ferais jamais de mal physique a personne, quoi que ce soit, simplement car j’ai trop peur et je ne suis pas assez fort pour faire ce genre de mal. Malgré que le James dont on veut tout avoir dans notre vie soit pas en contrôle, il arrive quand même à contrôler les actions, mais pas les paroles. Si je veux frapper quelque chose, je vais trouver quelque chose pour frapper, jamais, jamais une personne. Cest tellement plus facile blesser du monde émotionnellement que physiquement, et c’est tellement plus endommageant, dans mon cas. Mes penses sont seulement les penses du MC Méchant, mais les vrai pense de McMouttons sont complètement l’opposer et il doit vivre avec ce que l’autre cave a dit.

      Oui, je dois contrôler, ca c’est la job à McMoutton, mais quand McMouttons n’est pas capable, le vrai moi, je ne souffre pas non seulement avec ce qui est dit, mais il doit le ressentir des autres et vivre avec des paroles qu’ils ne sont tout simplement pas lui.

      Ma Blonde ma laisser car elle avait peur, ma mère a peur, j’ai peur. Mais, ensemble, on a peur de l’autre James, MC Méchant. Ils nous a teorisser toute notre vie et McMouttons en peut plus. Non seulement veulent-ils retomber stable dans ces émotions, sortir de cette dépressions, mais il veut battre MC Méchant pour de bon, et l embarrer en prison pour la vie, et que si il essaye de s’enfuir, toute la sécurité qui travail pour McMoutton avec le meilleur training vont le rembarrer, et le rembarrer pour a tout jamais.

      Je veux vieillir avec la fille de ma vie, avoir des enfants et petits-enfants et mourir ensemble, mais pour que cella possible, je dois être stable, soit en prenant plusieurs prises de sangs afin de trouver les meilleures medicaments, en parlant plus de mes sentiments, en contrôlant la rage plus, que ça soit de reconnecter avec mon père ce qui est au cœur de ma rage, ce qui pourrait être atteint avec des art martiaux, méditation, ou autre chose qui pourrait aide. Honnêtement, je vais tout faire pour non seulement mieux aller, mais pus jamais vire comme ça et si je vais dans une dépression, trouver des alternative que de le sortir sur ceux que j aime.

      I know this text went from French to English, or English to French, but for me, it’s easier to write my feelings and my story.
      I never ever want to hurt anyone ever again, in any sort of way. I can’t live with it anymore, I can’t live with a destroyed heart, I want only full healthy hearths full of love and happiness, and no more, ever anger.

      If anyone wants to talk, I’m here. Life’s hard but don’t give up, I never did, got some good stuff, good some bad stuff, but I guarantee you’ll find that fantastic Horn one day, the one that matters.
      Through all the shit that’s gone on, I won’t quit, even if I want to, I won’t I can’t. I found my Horn and I’m going to go through all that randomness and shit again just to get back to that Horn. For those of you who haven’t found it, you will, one day, I promise.

      PS: I’m writing this on little to no sleep, hopefully it makes sense. When clearer ill make it more presentable

      James McDermott, you’re Friendly Bipolar

      Last edited by Jimbo El Bipolar; August 12th, 2019, 10:32 AM.


        I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your friend James. That must be really hard on you but you sound like you're being both positive and strong to get you through this time. Take care.


          You have too, if not you've given up the fight and we should never quit, things always get better, even when you think they cant, they will, eventually!


            Hello Jimbo El Bipolar and welcome to the forum. Take Care. paul m
            "Alone we can do so little;
            Together we can do so much"
            Helen Keller


              Welcome to the forum Jimbo El Bipolar.

              Humans punish themselves endlessly
              for not being what they believe they should be.
              -Don Miguel Ruiz-


                Jimbo El Bipolar,

                I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your best friend. I cannot imagine your grief - it almost seems impossible, when we are young, that are friends can die. I hope that you find the support you need and that you give yourself time to deal with this loss. There will be so many emotions to deal with. There will be moments that catch you unaware and unprepared. You are allowed to be grief stricken, devistated. Hopefully you will do your best not to take this pain out on other people, though I know that can be hard to avoid. I sometimes find myself angry at someone, only to realize later that my anger was not at them... I was just frustrated by my own personal loss.

                I know this loss will be even harder as you are dealing with the loss of other things as well; with the diagnisis of bipolar you might be mourning the loss of the future you invisioned. And of course there is the loss of your relationship with your girlfriend. Take it slow. Forgive yourself and keep moving forward.

                Bon courage,