Normal verse symptom

[Annette]

Hello.
I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder. After years I suppose of not having a diagnosis so we know it progressively gets worse. I suspect now that it's been there almost all my life and I am now 43 years old. Truly had such a manic episode that I broke the law. So understandably I am terrified.

I guess my question is how do you know what's normal and what's depression or manic.

I find myself constantly living my life like
oh I want to put makeup on...oh no am I manic
oh I talked to animatedly....am I manic
for agitated...manic

or
I cry almost everyday because atm I am unable to see my three small children....depression or grief.

sorry I have more questions.
I have a PRN quetiapine 25mg. I have been taking this almost everyday for about a week.

is this ok? That is what they are used for right?

and how do you forgive yourself for things done when manic?

ok thanks for reading

[paul m]

Hello Annette and welcome. . Having various episodes that we can't control is a scary thing, especially when we have no idea what caused the symptom and what didn't. Not being able to see my kids would bring on a depressive episode in myself, I probably would also have symptoms of grief. I would probably alternate being mad at the world and being mad at myself because I couldn't control myself.

How do I decide what is normal and what can be blamed on bipolar? I find that is tough to do . Mostly I try and use my experiences . For example. If I can't control my thought patterns, If I'm always thinking about a lot of different things and I jump rapidly from one topic to another. Then I'm probably manic and I would know that from previous experience.

An example of mixed states would be: Feeling exhausted and tired and yet not being able to fall asleep because my brain wouldn't quite racing.

I'm not sure why your doc has you on 25 mg as that is a really low dose. Some docs use it at 25mg as a sleep aid. However the therapeutic dose is much higher. I have made a link so that you can see what someone else has said about dosage :https://www.drugs.com/dosage/quetiapine.html

Please don't be afraid to ask more questions. Please remember that you are a good person with a bad illness, not bad person with good excuses.

In regards on how do you forgive yourself? Re-read the above line. Also remember that it is very tough to find out exactly what you need to take to put your bipolar in remission. Take Care. paul

[Annette]

Hi Paul. Thankyou for responding. I should have clarified that I am on 400mg of quetiapine a day. The 25mg is just a PRN to be used as needed.

I like that. I am a good person with a bad illness not a bad person with good excuses.

[AJ]

Welcome to the forum Annette.

[paul m]

Hello Annette. quetiapine is a powerful med. I'm not a fan of it in the long run. However in the short run (1-2yrs @ 400 mg a day) it got me a place where I could use other meds. While I was on quetiapine , I was lethargic most of the time. I still take 100mg daily which helps me with my sleep. People asked my why quetiapine took so long to work on me. Well it did start right away. The main problem was me. I had no self esteem left, I had left a trail of destruction as I went down the path of finding wellness. I was always battling my past and as I said, self esteem. Most docs tend to prescribe a drug and then leave you on it as long as it keeps you under control with no counselling about weight gain or a host of other problems that are caused by the medication we take.

I was in my mid 40's too when I was finally correctly diagnosed with bipolar1. Take Care.paul m

[Annette]

Thankyou AJ

Paul.
I can relate to the low self esteem. I am embarrassed, ashamed, and afraid after the last episode that led to my hospitalization. And now as I sit back and look over the years and years of what I now understand as manic episodes I am even more embarrassed. My older sons, 24 and 19, I sheltered and protected from them fairly well. I sent my oldest to grandma's and my next so to his dads until I normalized again. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2003, which made sense to me considering my childhood and past traumas. So that was the lens I was given to understand these episodes through. On one hand PTSD made sense and it made sense that my episodes happened in spring and fall because my mom was unmedicated and undiagnosed for my childhood so inevitably lots of trauma happened around those times. Somedays I feel relieved to have the bipolar diagnosis although for years being like my mom terrified me. She's stable now and things are good but she was the villain of my childhood. Somedays I feel frustrated I did not get it sooner. I checked with drs, psychologists, and counselors over the years and was always told no you dont have bipolar. But the diagnosis came when I was ready to accept it I guess and hopefully my three young children will grow up with a healthier version of me than what my older two grew up with. Sorry I dont mean to ramble. I just find so much is so unknown to me despite having a mother with bipolar disorder. I guess because now I am seeing it from the lens of having the disorder myself rather than the lens of caregiver.

I have so many questions.

Like when I am manic I compulsively wash my hands to the point of skin breakdown. I just started a part time job where I will be washing my hands 100 times a day. Will this trigger a manic episode because it's a behavior that I do when I am manic so will the pathway in my brain go oh look compulsive handwashing time to go manic?

and

I usually take my medicine at 9pm. I will work until 10 pm. Is it going to cause problems if I take my medicine at 1030 two nights a week?

my biggest fear for sure is relapse into a manic state especially because my husband and three young children as well as my eldest son are still facing the repercussions of the last manic episode.

sorry if it was not ok to unload like this.

thankyou for listening

[paul m]

Hello Anette. There is nothing to forgive. Unloading is part of what this forum is about. I have no medical training so I cannot advise you on things like drug doses. Having said that all you do is try taking your meds at 10.30 pm and see what happens. When I was taking 400mg it always made me sleepy often into the next day. The latter I took it the latter in the morning it took me to get the cobwebs out. You might want to ask your pharmacist about it too. Take Care. paul m p.s. I am sure that you are worried about a lot of things. Hopefully you will be able to work your way through them.