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My manic episode/am I bipolar?

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    My manic episode/am I bipolar?


    Ok I want to start with my manic episode and then get your opinion on whether I’m bipolar. If you want the main thing I want is your opinion whether I’m bipolar so you can skip the manic episode if you want.
    So the reason I became manic could also be thought to just be a drug induced phycosis. I was drinking that night and almost to the point of black out/memory loss, then I did a bunch of weed gummies and fell asleep. I had a willlld dream and when I woke up I couldn’t remember if it was a dream or a conversation I had when I was drinking. First off I’m a drug dealer, I hope this is a safe forum. I dreamt that I was talking to my dealer, who had previously said he was going to send people to home invade me and kill me and rape my girlfriend. So that had been on my mind for months. So in my dream that I thought was a drunk night I texted him and somehow pissed him off. He said he was going to get cartel (he was Mexican) after me and that they were in Canada. In the dream it was more like a giant phone screen I was reading his texts. He then sent me a link and I went to it and it was child pornography. He said the cops were going to come tomorow and arrest me for it, and then somehow I was going to be sent to the mental hospital, where I would know somebody there that was going to kill me. All of that except the child pornography came true, I swear to god lol. He said the only way I could prevent it was to start following the code all dealers followed, and I apparently didn’t because my dealer didn’t tell me because he was an addict and just wanted my money. The code I tailed that I didn’t ever use any drugs including ciggerettes, and that I had to go green cuz apparently the world was ending because dealers over consumed and the planet has been running out of resources. He told me covid was a democrat made up thing to try to blind ppl from the world ending, and that all construction, ems, cops, etc were on the look out for ppl that knew this. He said the construction workers building the let around my city were actually burying bodies and that the world was overpopulated and there was actually like 15-20 ppl in ea house and they were all addicted to drugs. He also said I was not to be able to sleep anymore because all dealers live to serve cartel and had to make every run no matter what. He told me Donald trump had taken all the republicans to Mars and it was only dealers and democrats left. He said dealers built an underground city to survive and all the dems were going to die. He told me Democrats naturally will get pissed at the sight of me when I wake and that I had to act natural or they would kill me. He told me I can combat that by looking and surrounding myself with certain colours like blue and yellow, and to stay away from colours like red and pink. He told me that tomorow there would be a helicopter ride over my house, and that it was working with a thing called the eye in the sky that Democrats created to try to rid the world of the drugs that destroyed it, he said it could scan into my house and find them and alert authority’s by working with helicopters. He said that to remind me my neighbour who was also a dealer was going to flash a blue flag 5 mins before the helicopter was coming to remind me. He also told me that the actual reason he was outside in his lawn for a couple weeks wasn’t because he was airatting his lawn, but he was actually slowly hiding his drugs in the dirt from the eye in the sky coming. He told me that I can’t join him in the underground cuz I didn’t follow the rules but that Donald trump was willing to have a conversation with me and then tell me to act out my own application to become an American on Mars. I was supposed to write all the states down from memory the next day and if I got a certain amount he was going to tell me where a port key is(yes Harry Potter) to transport me to Mars. He told me that my whole neighbour hood (it’s nicknamed m block because there’s so much crime and dealers) was actually full 100% of dealers, and that now they were all going to try to kill me because I’m not dealing anymore. He told me the black water spots on the roof of my bathroom were actually blood droplets because my upstairs neighbour was actually a hit man that kilted his wife and put her in a bath tub. She always came outside and visited with me but I hadn’t seen her in a couple months (she was actually just old and sick that’s why). He told me all the dealers over consumed and the Democrats didn’t. He told me that my friend was actually a hit man and the garden he was always working on was actually where he hid the bodies himself, and that he got killed himself because he refused to take the hit and kill me because I didn’t follow the rules. He told me cats were a dealers pets and that’s why my neighbour had cats to warn off the cops from catching him. He told me dogs were the guards for the gates of hell like Cerberus or something and that they all tried to fight dealers. He told me my dog was fine with me because I still had a job so was kind of normal, but the reason he barked so much at my guests is because they were drug users.( we have a big problem with the dog he will bark just because someone gets close to me). He told me my girlfriends mother was going to drive me and her into a wall and kill us both because she actually followed the rules and was set to go to the underground that all she had to do was kill me, and she was going to put me in the front seat before she did it. He told me I had one chance to come to underground and that was to bring my gf down to river valley and meet him somewhere down there, but he said something about a construction worker finding us down there and killing my gf or something. I woke up and was going crazy. Popped on google, first story was Justin Trudeau accidentally let cartel members into Canada. I started washing dishes in shallow cold water, taking the clothes out my hamper and rehanging the not so dirty ones. Unplugged appliances even wifi. I was only allowed to have like 4 things plugged in he said. Stopped smoking ciggerettes and weed that I relied on to make me sleep. Frantically called my friend he said was dead who did not answer for the entire 5 days I was manic. I went outside and everyone started to look evil. I had a convo with someone he said was a dealer and sure enough she offered me a big red (replubican/dealer colour) lawn mower instead of my little stick thing I used (I had a small lawn). She then informed me she had Hulu plus, Netflix Amazon prime, and basically all the media channels, (over consuming) then the guy next to her wearing blue (Democrat colour)said he was just happy with his radio. Took my gf outside in a field cuz I was scared somebody was listening and told her everything. Went to the river valley with her but couldn’t remember exactly what was going to happen so turned away. Went to grocery store and bought all blue groceries 400 bucks worth because it was that drive home that she was going to kill me, so tried to surround myself with blue/green things. Started shutting my eyes at red lights and looking at grass and water and staying away from the bad colours. He told me he was going to send a hummer to my house at 5am and flash it’s lights at me. I’m still not sure that vehicle with its lights at 5am was true or not. I’m not sure of a lot of things. He told me that on day 4 I was to take the dog somewhere to kill it because it was against me, then try to take my gf to my dads to catch the port key. So on day 4 I tried to convince her to come with me but she wouldn’t. She chased after me in the streets and I eventually was able to push her away from the car. I asked him in my head “should I go fast or normal” which he said fast so I was driving dangerously, I eventually crashed, then tried to steal the car I crashed into. He wouldn’t let me so I crossed the intersection to a car at the opposite red light and tried to steal that one. Then he told me plans have changed I don’t have a car I’m not going to my dads anymore to catch port key I just need to run like 100 yards and catch a glimpse of the sun behind a building. So ran and ran and caught a glimpse of the sun finally when I was being arrested. Donald told me in the dream and taught me that I was to make orafami in prison as well as a bunch of other stuff to get accepted to Mars. So sure enough even though it was a ****ing dream I knew how to make or again and started making perfect doves out of toilet paper. Then I started doing the Cadillac ranch on one foot because he told me to. Got switch to another jail which sure enough had red walls, which seemed to really bother me, and a ****ed up sink so I couldn’t drink water. And I hadn’t drank anything for hours. He then told me the only way to a send to Mars now was to kill myself so I harmed myself badly which required stitches. They took me to mental hospital and sure enough when I got there I knew one of the nurses, so was scared the whole time that she would kill me in my sleep.



    #2
    I probably forgot a lot of things but that’s the gist of it. Sorry it’s poorly written but I don’t like telling that story so cruised through it. It was pretty traumatic which is why I’m so nervous to try life without meds, but I can’t get out of bed I just sit there depressed for up to 4 hours. I litterly can’t have *** , used to ejaculate red now can’t ejaculate, barelllllly get the feeling of an orgasm, and now last about 10 seconds every time. My fiancÚ litterly left her last boyfriend cuz he sucked in bed and now I can’t even have ***. most doctors have told me it might’ve just been a phycotic manic episode. I work ina restaurant which is very stressful and I haven’t found it’s become more stressful. I don’t have persae mood swings I’m never angry or overly joyful or worried or overly loving or upset or have any amplified emotions or manicy moments at all but I find it incredibly hard to get motivated to do anything including watch tv so I just lay there with my eyes closed a lot, I kind of naturally can close my eyes and dose off into my mind and it feels comfortable but I hate it, it’s not that I’m depressed it’s because I have no motivation at all. I hear that a lot of that can just be a symptom of the risperatone and not part of a mood swing. Since I got on respardone it makes me move in slow motion at work like I don’t have my third gear anymore. I use coke to get up and motivated, and it works like a charm, ur on the days I work I don’t do cocaine so that’s maybe why I lie in bed for so long each day as well. I don’t have depressive crashes the next days on my hang over days, but do lie in bed and don’t get up when I have to work that day. Every day that I don’t use coke I won’t get out of bed until I have to. But if it’s a cheat day I will get out of bed to do the coke. I don’t spend outrageous amounts of money, because of the risperadone I feel like I have less energy, I sleep 8-12 hours like clockwork. I don’t have unusual talkativeness unless I’m on coke, I do have racing thoughts (I’m told that could be the dispersions). I do have decreased motivation. I do have loss of interest or no pleasure at all in almost all activities (but that could be because im doing coke that makes that happen too. I have a very decreased appetite only eat once a day (that could be cause of the coke but I usually would still eat lots when I’m not on it. I do have excessive inappropriate guilt ( but I’ve always felt bad and tried to help people). I do have decreased inability to concentrate, I haven’t been able to focus on my screen with all my food bills nearly as much as I could before this happened. I’ve never ever ever thought of suicide. The biggest one is I litterly have no mood swings at all and never have, even when I’m lying in bed I’m almost pissed off more then depressed and my thoughts don’t race depressive they just race, which is why I think it’s the risperadone. But I don’t think anything’s worth doing until I do coke so I don’t get up.

    So do you think I’m bipolar or do u think a lot of the symptoms I have are brought on by the medication and the fact that I do too much coke to get myself out of bed and motivated. Am I combating the effects of risperadone by doing coke or combatting the effects of bipolar by doing coke? If I try to quit the the risperadone and become manic, I will at least know I’m manic this time right? Can’t be too damaging if I know I’m manic and get ppl around me all the time. Can I just rush to the mental health clinic and get my shot and be cured?when I was manic I was very easily irritated and had little patience for ppl, and was very creative in my thinking and very motivated. I don’t have high confidence if anything I have very low confidence.I am impulsive and have risky behavoiur. I don’t have withdrawal from friends and family if anything I run to them cause of the coke. I also smoke a ton of weed and still do gummies and nothings ever happened. I’ve never ever taken my mood stabilizers, nor have I had a single mood swing in any years before my episode or in the two years after. I’ve always been very stable. I’m just very confused and think my situation is kind of complex.

    Comment


      #3
      Hello there,

      Thanks for sharing your story on the forum.

      I am so very sorry that you are going through this. It must be difficult having to deal with the manic episodes in addition to worrying about your relationship with your girlfriend. It seems like you have a lot going on right now so let’s try to break it down with one thing at a time:

      1. Regarding whether you have bipolar disorder, unfortunately, we can’t tell because this would need an official assessment from a psychologist. You said in the hospital they told you that it might have been a psychotic manic episode. Were these doctors psychologists or physicians? Are you able to go back and book an appointment with a psychologist about this? They would be able to correctly diagnose you as they are trained and experienced in this. And to get an official diagnosis, they have to consider many things, e.g, how long you have been having these symptoms for and take into considerations many factors.

      2.In addition, it also highly likely that the ***ual problems you are experiencing are due to the side effects of the risperadone. Have you talked to your doctor about this? They may be able to assist you with this by prescribing you meds, decreasing the dosage, etc. How long have you been on risperadone for?

      3. You are worried that your fiancÚ is going to leave you. That is a heavy feeling to carry and to be constantly worried about this must make you anxious. Have you started feeling like this recently or for a while and are you able to talk to her about your worries of her leaving you?

      Comment


        #4
        She says she’d never leave me but I just think 6-7 years down the road when I’m still lazy and unmotivated that might change. Especially if I still can’t have ***. They are weening down my meds and I’m now at 75%, I can notice I don’t lie in bed as long, I’m a tiny bit more motivated on some days, I’m quicker at work at the 1 week mark before my shot, and I’m finally getting horny again lol. The thing that really scares me is when I stopped ejaculating I also stopped getting the feeling of an orgasm and also could no longer control it or last long at all. I’m worried I will never be able to last long in bed ever again, which would be a problem.

        I think they were physiologists. The thing is we were playing up being bipolar to get me diagnosed as something so I could beat the court case. The hospitals kind of a blur but I remember them mentioning bipolar disorder and me going back to my room to research it and I’m pretty sure I gave false answers just to get diagnosed as such. I didn’t want to go to jail

        Comment


          #5
          It’s wonderful to hear that she said that. I think at times when we are stuck with our own thoughts, we jump to conclusions even if there is no evidence. It is not the most helpful thing to do and can make us feel worse, so when a thought of ‘my fiancÚ is going to leave me’ comes up try to ask yourself ‘what is the evidence for my thought’?

          It also seems that after weening down your med, you have been feeling more like yourself again. Glad to hear that you are not laying in bed as long. Also, regarding your ***ual performance: have you talked to your doc about this? Do you know if they will wean down your meds again?

          Comment

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