It's not going to be a lonely Christmas Eve for me .. I have a plan to party with friends ..
But that wasn't enough to make me feel less lonely ..
I feel lonely and depressed today .. I spent 5 hours driving UBER to feel less lonely .. I forced myself out of bed but I couldn't shower or shave or brush my teeth .. I haven't eaten anything since last night .. But at least I worked and made some money ..
..
The truth is : I'm very good in spending time alone .. it makes me feel good .. it feels good to be busy and not need others .. but it doesn't always work like this .. especially in holiday season .. Every year same time same feelings ..
I don't like self loathing .. But sometimes people ask if I have any family here or abroad and the answer is : my parents are dead .. I have two brothers who are older than me who live overseas and I don't keep in touch with them .. and that's what I want not what they want .. same thing applies to other relatives : cousins , uncles , aunts and nephews ..
..
in brief I have no one .. What I have is just few friends and some of them are really close and special ..
To be honest it's just as simple as this .. I'm too busy to remember how lonely I am .. But sometimes I remember .. or people remind me ..
But .. there might be a simple explanation : it's just my mood swings .. My bipolar .. It's just another depressive episode and it will wear off sooner or later .. But it has something to do with holiday seasons .. It cannot be just a coincidence ..
..
I wish everyone a merry Christmas and a happy holiday season ..
But that wasn't enough to make me feel less lonely ..
I feel lonely and depressed today .. I spent 5 hours driving UBER to feel less lonely .. I forced myself out of bed but I couldn't shower or shave or brush my teeth .. I haven't eaten anything since last night .. But at least I worked and made some money ..
..
The truth is : I'm very good in spending time alone .. it makes me feel good .. it feels good to be busy and not need others .. but it doesn't always work like this .. especially in holiday season .. Every year same time same feelings ..
I don't like self loathing .. But sometimes people ask if I have any family here or abroad and the answer is : my parents are dead .. I have two brothers who are older than me who live overseas and I don't keep in touch with them .. and that's what I want not what they want .. same thing applies to other relatives : cousins , uncles , aunts and nephews ..
..
in brief I have no one .. What I have is just few friends and some of them are really close and special ..
To be honest it's just as simple as this .. I'm too busy to remember how lonely I am .. But sometimes I remember .. or people remind me ..
But .. there might be a simple explanation : it's just my mood swings .. My bipolar .. It's just another depressive episode and it will wear off sooner or later .. But it has something to do with holiday seasons .. It cannot be just a coincidence ..
..
I wish everyone a merry Christmas and a happy holiday season ..
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