After Trying so Hard Have had to Quit Work

[axeman52]

I am a 53 yr old man who has been a musician all his life. Due to a combination of a long, mis-diagnosed and treated illness (BP II instead of MDD) I have lost so much weight that I have developed a condition that no longer allows me to play. In addition, I am addicted to nicotine, clonazepam for anxiety, caffeine, am taking lamotrigine which did not work at all and am waiting to see if my old friend Prozac will make the lights come on again.

I have a little cushion that should keep me going for a little while, but when it runs out I will be dependent on my wife to pay all the bills. I don't know if we can pull it off.

Everything scares me, things that are happening now, things that might happen in the future. While I cannot consider suicide as I am afraid of hurting all those I love, I pray sometimes that my bad heart or my diabetes would just take me in the night; no stigma for my loved ones and an end to this pain and torture that I have gone through off and on for forty years now.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Can anybody give me some guidance as to the best possible course? My GP is out of town and I do not have a regular PDoc. Thanks in advance and I hope all of you gain some relief.

[Determined]

Welcome axeman. What you have described is all to familiar and while the struggle may differ from person to person all I can suggest is that you deal with the BP as quickly as possible. Once that is under control many of your other issues can work themselves out. At least that's what I found in my case (severe depressive episodes for about 35 years). I totally understand how you want out and it's not for selfish reasons. The pain can be unbearable and leave you feeling totally hopeless. I found that just getting myself into the "system" of acquiring counselling and pdocs provided me with some relief and enabled me to get through each day. Unfortunately it takes more time than any of us like but knowing that you are taking steps to get some focussed assistance provides hope.

Understand that what you are dealing with is an illness and that regardless of how long you have felt poorly it is temporary; the proper treatment is out there and there are those who can lead you in the right direction to receive it.

So what genre of music have you been playing all these years? Judging by your name I am guessing a little rock and roll. I think that's awesome that you have had a musical career and am sorry that you have had to step down; at least for now. You're still a young man so don't ever think you can't be back on top again. Now that you have your new diagnosis you can get a new start.

Take care and I hope we see you on here often
ted

[Fighting back]

Everything scares me, things that are happening now, things that might happen in the future. While I cannot consider suicide as I am afraid of hurting all those I love, I pray sometimes that my bad heart or my diabetes would just take me in the night; no stigma for my loved ones and an end to this pain and torture that I have gone through off and on for forty years now.

First of all, welcome

You pretty much could have taken those words out of my mouth. I hope knowing that others feel the same as
you will help.

Of course, I'm still around. Trying my best to stay ahead of this with little to no support from the medical community. Does not make the struggle any less real, just much riskier.

I think that creative people are predisposed to depression, kind of goes with the territory. Hate to pidgeonhole anyone, but this list kind of shows what I mean.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_with_major_depressive_disorder

[axeman52]

Thanks for listening, I hope there is a way out, but it is so dark, so big, seems so impossible. I will keep posting and I hope everyone sees a light at the end of their tunnel, eventually

[AJ]

Welcome to the forum Axeman52.

[imsosad]

Welcome axeman52. There was a lot in your post I related to. Hope things get better soon for you with the proper diagnosis.
"Everything scares me, things that are happening now, things that might happen in the future." This is a problem for me as well, try to take things one day at a time.

[axeman52]

Just a little clarification

Hi Determined,

I am actually a former blues singer and my latest diagnosis is MDD after a harried PDoc had diagnosed me BP II and switch me to lamotrigine, which had no effect on me. Sorry if I was unclear on that point.

Welcome axeman. What you have described is all to familiar and while the struggle may differ from person to person all I can suggest is that you deal with the BP as quickly as possible. Once that is under control many of your other issues can work themselves out. At least that's what I found in my case (severe depressive episodes for about 35 years). I totally understand how you want out and it's not for selfish reasons. The pain can be unbearable and leave you feeling totally hopeless. I found that just getting myself into the "system" of acquiring counselling and pdocs provided me with some relief and enabled me to get through each day. Unfortunately it takes more time than any of us like but knowing that you are taking steps to get some focussed assistance provides hope.

Understand that what you are dealing with is an illness and that regardless of how long you have felt poorly it is temporary; the proper treatment is out there and there are those who can lead you in the right direction to receive it.

So what genre of music have you been playing all these years? Judging by your name I am guessing a little rock and roll. I think that's awesome that you have had a musical career and am sorry that you have had to step down; at least for now. You're still a young man so don't ever think you can't be back on top again. Now that you have your new diagnosis you can get a new start.

Take care and I hope we see you on here often
ted

[uni]

Hello Axeman52, and welcome.

I could be wrong, but it seems to me that Major Depressive Disorder is often easier to treat than Bipolar II. There are lots of options available both in the form of antidepressants and talk therapies, so there are many hooks to hang your hat on.

I don't know who is prescribing medication for you. Having a regular pdoc is generally better than a GP simply because of their specialized training, although a good GP is certainly helpful. I'm not sure how things work where you live, but often you need a referral from another doctor to see a psychiatrist. Sometimes there is an intake process without that at mental health clinics though, and you may be able to get in to see a counselor/therapist/social worker/psychologist more easily. I suggest phoning your local health region and asking what it takes to get in to see a pdoc, due to the medication issue, and/or a counselor. Some places have drop-in clinics for such things, which you could ask about too.

Regarding lamotrigine, as you may already know it isn't something to go off of abruptly because there can be a dangerous rash that can develop.

Everything scares me, things that are happening now, things that might happen in the future

How true for so many of us! These fears seem to be part and parcel of mood disorders. I've had to learn lots of tools to deal with them, via doctors, counselors, support groups, books, etc. and they really work wonders. The trick, of course, is to practice them.

I look forward to reading more of your posts. Feel free to vent, explain, ask questions, share experiences, and so on; it's what we do here!

[TallPineTree]

Hello Axeman

I can relate, even though i am just 30 and not a man but that fear of depending on someone sucks. That having to quit your job because of depression also sucks. I am rooting for you is the best I can do.

[paul m]

Hello TallPineTree and welcome to the forums. Thx for your input on various posts. Take Care. paul m