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    What's happening?

    For the past couple of weeks, things have been getting "brighter" - my mood has improved, the air smells (for lack of a more appropriate term) "crisper", and things in general seem less cloudy. While this is all well and god, I don't know why this is happening: I haven't changed my diet or medication (I've been on the same anti-depressants at the same dosage for four years), and it's not as though I feel smarter (and I definitely don't act any smarter). I still berate myself as often, but it doesn't seem to carry the same weight as it had in the past. I find it very frustrating because I really don't think I should feel as well as I do, so much so that I kind of resent feeling well at all. I refuse to accept this as a "blessing" or whatever as I don't recognize having gone through any personal change and, if I can't understand what caused the shift, I'm not going to have access to the full gamut of tools available (to everyone) to maintain survival. [Slight digression: through the many analogies I've used to describe how my depression felt to psychologists/therapists, I think the most apt is that of a trades-person working in either a murky fog or the complete dark - you can't really see or understand what you're doing, nor with what you have to work, so it seems like dumb luck to just manage not to kill yourself; and now there seems to be more light/less murkiness, but I still can't quite make everything out so I feel I still must rely on luck.]

    The only difference in behaviour is that I've started [secretly] smoking marijuana (secretly in that I hide the drug use from my wife, for which I feel like a monster, but I can't adequately explain [because I haven't gotten any more intelligent]). I understand the contentiousness of marijuana use and it's application for medical purpose (and not all kinds of marijuana are created equal: I smoked weed back in college, and, as I understand it, I was smoking an indica strain which, according to what I've read about it, has a mellow affectation, whereas, at the moment, I'm smoking a sativa, which is described as being more cerebral/energizing), but the marijuana is a sativa strain and I've been having revelatory experiences while under it's effects: I'm starting to understand how toxic my upbringing was, and while conversing with my wife yesterday (while stoned, unbeknownst to her), I realized how damaging it continues to be for me to 'try to be understanding' - how I'm essentially giving up control in a passive sense by trying to understand my family-of-birth's position, thereby ignoring my own person (with all emotions/desires/control contained therein). I realize that I must be assertive (although this could mean being confrontational, which is not easy for me as I've surmised that my upbringing has induced a passive nature in me, which allows my sister [and, to a lesser extent, my mother] to be controlling and manipulative without facing resistance - I include my mother in this because she's managed to control my father [although, part of marriage is ceding control to certain aspects of day-to-day life] to enable the toxic behaviour my sister exhibits), and by doing so, regain some control over myself and my life.

    I'm not saying that marijuana is single-handedly responsible for the change in attitude: case in point, when I had started smoking regularly, I came across a psychology article discussing the rise in depression experienced by youths citing a number of studies that correlate the rise of depression with a reduction of personal control, which struck a chord with me because, although I don't fit into the demographic of the article, I was hit by a car at age six and my parents (my mother especially) took measures to ensure my safety, though that had the unintended consequence of robbing me of my autonomy and, as a kid, I didn't understand how egregious that was to my development. By the time I went to college, I was so passive that, most of the time, things happened to me more than I made things happen (although I did experience a moment of euphoria when I was given [notice the language] the opportunity to create a couple of projects without overbearing supervision, and, in consequence, was actually praised for my work - some verbal, some through grading). But that became a great indicator of how I've come to live my life and a good hint at why I suffer from depression: I automatically look for an authority figure to give me tasks and commands (a reason I felt at times that I was just an automaton, an empty shell for those in control to program for dull, specific tasks that I could execute for the authority's betterment). I had begun to realize my lack of control before I read the article (which indicates my autonomy), but it was the article that really shone a lightening perspective on my predicament (again, though, it would seem that that's confirmation from a perceived authority). It's all a big struggle for me to understand because, contrary to what my wife believes, I lack the necessary comprehension to be able to act on wresting control from an imagined authority: I believe wholeheartedly that the head injury I sustained from the car accident has left me lacking in certain areas of intelligence and cognition, but perhaps that's an excuse that I've partially created and also learned from my upbringing - I wasn't given control over myself as a youth so now as an adult I feel incapable of autonomy and am beholden to same vague, faceless authority.

    When left to my own devices, I will create (and have created) things, although I am unable to see any value in them because there is no authority to judge and bestow value upon it (with the exception that I understand its value as an expression of myself). I guess it's a continuous journey to free myself from the perception of authoritarianism and somehow be able to ascertain and ascribe value, whether "spiritual" (for lack of a better term) or monetary, to myself. Of course, I hate money because, to me, it seems to cheapen life: the fact that society has created a system of progression that includes the devaluation of currency (in the form of inflation) which [negatively] affects the costs of life and living, and that, as it is a human invention, it is susceptible to fraud and gaming, as we've seen by the statistically derived (though, mathematically, potentially inaccurate) 1%. And I'm going to stop myself now before I run off on a tangent about how economic inequality is the intended normal balance of how our society is constructed.

    *deep breath*

    To those of you who managed to make it through the entire post, I apologize for there not being any prize or reward: there really should be considering the pointlessness of it all and the banality you've endured.

    Aaaaaaaaaaand... I don't know how to close this rant. I'm terrible at conclusions because I have no definiteness, a by-product of my indoctrination, whether intentional or not, as a passive entity. It's made scholastic paper-writing very troublesome...

    Yup.

    #2
    Hey there,

    Just a theory but, the brightening, or whatever you choose to call it, may just be down to the fact that spring is coming. A lot of us (even those pesky normal people) suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (or SAD... what an acronym!). And considering that winter is now leaving us, I wouldn't be surprised if some of your brightness is coming from that.

    Also, you've mentioned that your meds have stayed the same for four years. Although that seems like a long time, I found it took around that long for me to get the full effect out of things. But to be fair, in my scenario I had various changes in my meds' dosage to get my balance right.

    I have also heard that marijuana can help with anxiety and depression, but I'm not certain that I would recommend it. Considering I've seen that it can have negative mood effects as well (freak outs, bad trips, what have you) in former roommates I had in university.

    I can relate to the feeling of having your, let's say confidence, decreased from a sheltered upbringing. I was abused at a young age (around 11 or 12) and as a consequence was kept on a tighter leash than my siblings. I feel that has negatively affected my romantic life in my adulthood as I never really learned the self confidence to ask a girl out on a date. I've done it a few times before, and been turned down only once, but it's still a MAJOR fear of mine.

    It may be difficult, but I would personally recommend to just enjoy the brightness! I often compared this feeling to "seeing colour again" or similar to the feeling you get when you leave that final exam of the year. It's like you're seeing there's an outside world for the first time. Feeling better is something you don't need to understand the reason for, just enjoy it. And believe me, that's coming from someone who works as a computer programmer and has a compulsive NEED to know how everything works.

    Hope maybe something I've said might help. This is a struggle and you're showing good signs. Keep it up!
    Last edited by bucky310; March 12, 2016, 03:30 PM.
    Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.

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      #3
      It's not SAD. A lot of people complain about seasonal affect disorder who don't have depression, and I understand all that, but this feeling of 'brightness' is something I'm experiencing for the first time in recent memory: I attempted suicide four years ago and have been in a rut ever since (and likely well before). I can't just enjoy it, as much as I'd like to be able to, because of the crippling fear hat it won't last, and so if I can understand it while it's here, I can at least then diagnose the cause of its [seemingly inevitable] departure, which will then help me gain the tools to bring back the light. And the marijuana seems to clear up the clouds so that I can 'see' (and understand) aspects of my life that pervade me most of the time that I can then analyze to get a better understanding of where things 'went wrong'. Of course, I'm quite susceptible to the notion of violent revolution to bring about a more equitable/non-heirarchal social construct, although I'm all to familiar with the truth that violence begets violence, and those that would use violence to end oppression will inevitably use violence to oppress.

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        #4
        Hi Guilt-n-shame
        Thank you for sharing your mood experiences. A couple of things you said really resonated with me. I too have a really hard time simply enjoying the unexpected mood elevations I get from time to time. It bothers me that this happens and I have much difficulty explaining it to people. By the sounds of your post a sudden elevated mood does not happen to you often so even more reason to be suspicious of it I would imagine. However, similar to yourself, when I have a sudden mood elevation there is always a nagging anxiety bubbling under the surface. I often have feelings of fear that it will disappear just as quick and unexpectedly as it arrived (which it does - so I have valid reason to think that way). I also have feelings of guilt - that I don't deserve to feel happy if I have a mental disorder. Also guilt because i wonder if I am simply not accepting the elevated mood because I perhaps I am dependant on my sadness in some way. I don't even know what THAT means but it is definitely something I have thought about. I also feel anger - towards myself for not having control over my own emotions & moods. Ultimately I am left with feelings of sadness and low self esteem because it seems as though my mind is not my own but rather controlled by some "other" force that I am powerless over. So - in a nutshell, my feelings of a sudden mood elevation are really only a facade temporarily veiling my darkness that never truly goes away. I know this must sound depressing but that is really how it feels for me. It is not a "normal happy", it is happiness standing in my doorway reaching for me but fear and caution are holding my hands. I can see it and feel around me it but I can't fully grasp it. (ok, maybe that is a little corny analogy but it just came to me LOL).

        As for the pot smoking, I also smoke pot as a coping mechanism. I smoke it pretty much daily, mostly in the evening when I am trying to settle down and prepare to sleep. I used to smoke it any time I wanted (before going to work, out getting groceries, visiting my mother...) but now it gives me feelings of paranoia when I am out in the general public so I don't do it anymore. Most of my friends smoke so it is always around my house or if I am socializing. Clearly I am pro-pot however I believe you can have too much for sure. Once the paranoia set in a few years ago (whatever the reason was; just smoking too much and being a pot head or perhaps it was negatively interfering with my mood disorders), I knew it was hindering me more than helping. I am sure that keeping your pot smoking from your wife doesn't feel good and I have no idea how that would go over in your world. I often wish I could tell my mother that I smoke because it is essentially the biggest reason why I don't let her visit very much. She worries about me so much as it is, especially now that she recently discovered my true diagnosis and the medications I am taking. If I threw pot in to the mix I am certain it would really frighten her. One more thing you mentioned is about marijuana "clearing up the clouds" - I have to agree. I do some pretty heavy thinking when I am high. I don't know if it is a good or bad thing but I can process thoughts, memories and able to connect my negative feelings to aspects of my own psychological development over the course of my life. I seem to be able to go to places in my mind that I can't when I am not stoned. It is just too painful. I have also started writing in a journal on a regular basis about a year ago. I am also an artist so I write, doodle, paint; whatever helps me express what I am processing at the time. The connection between the flow of thoughts and having a creative outlet to externalize them has been incredibly helpful. It is like a mental "time out" to get the thoughts out of my head and on to paper. I often go back and read my entries which s also helpful at times.
        I guess this entry may not be helpful to you but I just wanted to let you know that I think I understand what you are saying. Best of luck to you. Blessings.

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          #5
          Hey Momoe, I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in not trusting happiness. What seems so odd to me is that I expect my mood to come crashing down at any time and it's something I've been holding onto for what has now become weeks. I probably should let go of my fear and just appreciate the moment, but I'm too neurotic. The marijuana helps with that, though. I understand the paranoia as I've experienced it first-hand, but fortunately this strain doesn't affect me in that way. It's interesting you mentioned control: my wife and I had a three hour conversation about control (and the fact that the realization that it was my lack of control that has me depressed. I was sober at the time and was surprisingly lucid and coherent (my head was as clear, it seemed, as when I was stoned). It was a great conversation that demonstrated my progression away from depression (whether real or imagined, although I would say it felt quite authentic).

          I am an 'artist' as well, although I don't have the confidence to believe that I am. Part of the issue is that I let fear/lack of confidence keep me from creating. I enjoy writing and music (although, more than just confidence, my physical disability puts me in such a negative space because attempting to play instruments is insanely difficult), but I'm not an illustrator, so I use that as an excuse to not create (because of my upbringing, I'm too stubborn to ask for, let alone accept, outside help). But, I am beginning to try to find out how to take control of my actions (which, arguably, I've been controlling through my depression [though perhaps it was more my depression controlling me]) and simply just get stuff done.

          Again, it's important for me to hear that others share these feelings. Thanks!

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            #6
            It is funny you mention about your confidence hindering your artistic ability. I tried for many years to use a journal/sketchbook as a way to express my thoughts and feelings. I have a degree in visual arts but also struggle with even a sketchbook not being "good enough". Last year a friend gave me a sketchbook as a gift. I thought the cover was really pretty and the paper for some reason felt good to the touch. I realized that part of my resistance to journal was that the paper was either too thin to paint on, or too heavy to waste it on just writing. Sounds silly I know but I realized that hindered me. This sketchbook's paper felt somewhere in between. It was also incredibly difficult for me to make the first mark in there so instead I wrote a little note to myself on the very last page. I gave myself permission to use it however I felt. I made myself stop thinking of it as something that will be seen (and judged) by others. The next thing I did was skip the first page completely and begin writing on the second page ( I have still yet to make a mark on the first page). From that point on, I now use that book for writing about thoughts & feelings and "doodling" rather than pressuring myself to do beautiful sketches. Once I gave myself that permission, I write/doodle in it every couple of days. I rarely use paint, I mostly use coloured pens and highlighters. It is strange, but it works for me. I love going back and re visiting entries and all the colourful doodles. It is very soothing for me. I can't speak of playing musical instruments but just thought I would add that part of my experiences with creative expression.

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              #7
              Hi Guilt-n-shame, Bucky310 and MoMoe, as well as anyone else who may be quietly watching.

              I feel the common element that we all are here for is trying to deal with our mood disorders. We share our experience, our views, successes and failures and hope that somehow, things will get better. I am happy to hear that things are looking up for you, Guilt-n-shame.

              I have not been enthusiastic about medication, whether medically or self prescribed, although I can claim personal experience in all these areas. Perhaps, it frightens me? I tend to view it as giving up control over myself, much as you may have described. I hope that is an adequate description of my opinion and the reason behind it.

              I too share a need to discover why things happen and that includes the reasons and triggers for depression as well as the effects certain actions and medications may have on your mood. Every contribution to this discussion carries truth for me. I can relate to environmental effect, upbringing, creativity, economics and the effect of substance in much the same way that others report. I too, feel some comfort in knowing others share the experience. Not being alone is quite important.

              The core of this specific discussion seems to steer towards the use and effect of marijuana. I did partake in my 70's era youth and I would readily agree that the use of marijuana as well as other intoxicants shaped my character. I may even argue that it was for the better, but I currently do not use marijuana, or any other mood altering substance. My last experience with the weed was that it made me instantly sleepy. No real high, or insight, not even the munchies! Obviously, results may vary.

              One could debate the social merits of marijuana, particularly in comparison with alcohol, or even stimulants like caffiene and nicotine. Once you get into that discussion, you must also include a long list of other substances which affect your perception. I will readily admit to experience with LSD and amphetamines. I never used cocaine or heroin. All these substances will affect your immediate and long term personality. I know long term marijuana users that function quite well, yet I feel I can detect traits in them almost certainly related to their habit. Same for alcohol users. So much for the argument that it does not affect your well being. Of course, I can only speak from my viewpoint, but I would certainly agree that the use of these social lubricants did change my personality and the effect was lasting.

              Let me describe what I felt changed in my life. I was a painfully shy child. This persisted right through my public school years and I did not make friends easily. I grew up in a rural area, typically very conservative, but vices were not unknown. My parents were unusually liberal in their views and manner, however ours was a tobacco and alchohol free home. It was not something actively discouraged, it just was not a part of our lifestyle. In my final years of high school, I gained my mobility with my driver's license and I also discovered alcohol. This prompted a tremendous change in my social life and I began to make friendships, some of which last to this day. Despite the dubious nature of how I was fuelling this renaissience, I do recall the years fondly and feel the overall change was positive. Not to say this was entirely without danger. There are several issues best left unpublished and hopefully expired. Whether they are socially and legally acceptable is another discussion entirely.

              I don't think I can attribute that the change in my personality was directly achieved with any one specific substance, but it was a cumulative effect which was also largely dependant on social circumstance. Nonetheless, there was a change and I knew it. I was actually pleased with the result. Still, the physical effects come harder with age. As mentioned, marijuana lost it's appeal when I literally lost the buzz. I smoked cigarettes briefly as a teenager, but abandoned this habit when I entered the working world as I had an employer who actively discouraged the use of tobacco in the workplace. This was the 70's, long before anti smoking campaigns became fashionable. I often thank this employer for his stance. It saved me from at least one difficult vice. Alcohol lost it's lustre as I aged and the hangover became uncreasingly unbearable. The effect of alcohol and other intoxicants also represent a loss of personal control that I was finding to be unjustifiable. I still will have an occasional drink to this day, but I do not feel that I NEED that drink! Amphetamines became a real danger and fortunately I recognized that before any serious damage materialized. I often wonder if there were detrimental effects. Is it possible that early experimentation may have limited cognitive functions, or perhaps triggered decline that affects me today? Not all social change was beneficial. There are legal consequences to consider and keeping this activity under cover proved to be stressful. There also is a financial cost which can lead to ruin.

              The one thing I found troubling in the preceding discussion was the disclosure that marijuana use was kept hidden from the spouse. This, of course does not promote a sense of well being and can be damaging as you have recognized. Of course it is quite difficult for an outsider to comment on what becomes a very individual matter, but I would hope youwill consider all options. If the marijuana use is helping, I think most spouses would be supportive.

              One last word on depression and creative people. I've noticed depression is quite common among my musician friends. Not universal, but certainly prevalant. I never really could qualify myself as a musician and I certainly developed an appreciation for music late in life. Could this be a symptom of "expanding my horizons"? Maybe. Just one of many possibilities.

              Hope there is something helpful in all this.

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                #8
                So, things are up and down: I'm starting to get paranoid that I'm not going to fall back into the meat of the depression so much as become so accustomed to the feeling of content that I am at this moment experiencing that it'll just lead me back to depression. I feel the exchange from Return of the Jedi is most relevant to my current situation:

                "Instead of seeing a big dark blur, I see a big light blur."
                "There's nothing to see..."

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