I am not sure how much more I can take

[hellfish]

The anxiety and depression that I have been battling for 23 + years has finally got the upper hand.

I feel like a professional boxer in the 12 round at the 8 count. I am not sure I can get up and keep fighting- I think I have lost my battle. I am an 45mg of Paxil + 60mg of Librium.

I can't take anymore- please I need some advice and/or words of encouragement would be appreciated

Hellfish

[AJ]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time Hellfish. I have been where you are. If you feel like you have 'lost my battle' I would consider trying to get into your doctor. Perhaps an adjustment of meds is in order, or perhaps a listening ear or both.

When I was at the end of my rope there were times I went to the hospital, and times I called my doc to get in sooner. Sometimes just being with a close friend during the really desperate times, got me thru to the next day. Usually by then there was a slight, ever so slight shift and my acute desperation was a bit better.

You can get thru this Hellfish. It may not feel like it, but you can. You're stronger then you think.

[Determined]

I've often used that analogy myself hellfish. Depression and anxiety is a battle and sometimes it does feel like we are losing. We get tired. I have lived it for almost 40 years and often wonder how I made it through some of those times. When things are at there worst it's not a matter of getting through the day but getting through the moment. I believe AJ is right. In those times of desperation you need to talk to someone. My older sister has always been my go to person. She has pulled me back from the brink on a number of occasions. It wasn't anything spectacular. We just talked and she managed to ground me and assure me that the moment would pass. At the time I never believed her but, you know hellfish, she was right every time. And deep down I knew it. When we are hurting really bad we can't see past the hurt, desperation, and hopelessness but I can assure you it does pass. Each time you make it through is a testament to your strength and resiliency. Like AJ says you are stronger than you think. In fact anyone who can deal with this crap for years on end is almost invincible. I know it's not easy hellfish but I believe with the help that is available from friends and family and the professional system (as limited as that sometimes is) we can always make it out of the pit.

Tell yourself just how strong you really are. Give yourself credit for what you have accomplished just getting up in the morning. And another thing, I know this may sound silly but in my most desperate moments, when I have had enough, I just say "no". For that one day I tell myself I am taking a holiday from this and plow through the day like a bull. I did it for myself and for my family, just so they could have me back for a day.

One thing I should not fail to mention is the effectiveness of this forum. There are awesome people here and their experience and knowledge has played a huge part in maintaining wellness and especially at getting me through some very dark times.

And again as AJ mentioned maybe it is time to review your meds. One simple adjustment to mine made a huge difference in getting my feet back on the ground

It's tough hellfish but you ARE tougher.

[bibiane]

I get you Hellfish... and you Determined and you AJ. But there comes a point when you say enough with meds... and one day you run out of people willing to support you. They get tired and they get over YOU and your depressions. Even your doctor seems to be overwhelmed with you. What then? When I look around me and at the people who have had the patience and the guts to stick around, I feel like there is nothing left to do to help me; I am a burden. I pretend like everything is ok... And I am getting older, not younger. When my sons put me in a home because I will be too old, what will happen to me? Will they load me up with meds so I don't bother anyone and die slowly without too much commotion? Cause that's what I see in my future.

[Fighting back]

I can offer sympathy and understanding. Unfortunately, I too am struggling for answers.

Possibly, I can offer up my theory of how stress brings on depression. For reference, I found an article that pretty much hits the bullseye for my circumstance.

http://www.webmd.boots.com/stress-management/physical-stress-symptoms

Now, what to do about it becomes the question. I'm still searching.

[MoMoe]

Hi Hellfish
I am sorry you are feeling so low right now. I don't really have much to offer right now as I have been struggling lately as well. Just wanted to wish you some comfort and relief from your pain. Take care.