I've been avoiding posting on here, but things are messy. I'm having a tough time because my depression is hitting hard but I'm not wanting to die. I seem to have control over it. What I haven't control of is how to contribute financially. I know it's what needs to be done, but there's something in the way that I cannot explain, so I feel incredibly stupid. It makes me look lazy, which I suppose I am... I know I am. I need to work because my wife can't do it by herself. I know this, so why can't I find the motivation? My wife is starting to resent me, of course, and I'm too stupid to do anything to remedy it. I'm lost in limbo; it feels as though my insides are being shredded. And not only do I feel helpless because I can't explain it, but if I try, my wife throws in my face that she too is depressed yet she works. Understand that i'm not attacking her, I'm just trying to explain that I have no way to refute her: she's depressed yet she can work, so what's wrong with me? It was, perhaps not better, but,much easier when I just wanted to be dead: a definitive solution to, I'd tell myself, everyone's problems. Now I just feel trapped in some transparent container. I'm just a worthless parasite.
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I can relate to what you're experiencing. For one I haven't made any posts, I attempt to and then realize I might as well write a book. I keep most of my thoughts to myself since majority of the people listening think depression is the same as being sad. Anything that comes out of their mouth after that I consider a harmless insult due to ignorance. It's almost been a year since all my problems became public. I have no desire to return to my job after I heard all the horrible stuff that was being said about me. I used to love my job, my life revolved around it and my social life suffered from it. Not even a month after my incident I started to hear how certain people truly felt and what they thought. Now I can't seem to figure out my next step because I planned my future with that company. I get asked if I'm happy yet and then why I can't just be happy. Everyone tells me they want the old me what happened to the person I used to be? So what exactly is wrong with the person I am right now? I had a mental breakdown from years of hiding my problems and faking a smile and now that it's out in the open I should be able to snap out of it just like that? I've got progressively worse and people feel like they deserve answers. It's really great that you are happy and I'd give anything to wake up and just pick up where I left off but I can't. It sucks to wake up and not care anymore. every day just blends with the next. No direction, no control, no reason good enough to even be here. I don't want sympathy and I would never compare my problems to anyone else's. My problems are no worse than anyone's. But these are my problems and they are crippling me. -
I have lost 4 very good jobs over the years because of my depression. By the same token I have managed to keep other jobs and ride out the same severe episodes that paralysed me mentally. I don't know why it worked out that way. I do know that depression can be a deadly illness. And what makes it more deadly is exactly what you have described. Even today depression is grossly and completely misunderstood by the public at large. What I found very encouraging was searching the internet and finding others describe exactly what I was feeling; the detachment, the near psychosis; the inexplicable fear. These manifestations are only the tip of the iceberg. There is a veritable pot-pourri of of horrifying symptoms that I would have to manage. I discovered I wasn't unique; that everyone has similar experiences. It might just be a slightly different mix. Not being able to explain it is the single most frustrating thing for me. So I simply gave up. I know in my heart of hearts that if anyone in my workplace had to spend even 5 minutes in my mind when depression was at its worst they would have thrown themselves off the nearest bridge. This is the stuff nightmares are made and I will no longer apologize to anyone if it sounds exaggerated or over the top drama. Almost 40 years of this entitles me to stand on my soap box.
You know what's funny? I had a heart attack a couple years ago. When I recovered and went back to work I was treated like a fricken hero. Rewind to a couple years before that when I was in hospital for a week for my depression, I never even got a phone call or a visitor. During that period my boss was figuring out how he could get rid of me.
Guilt-n-shame, you are not a worthless parasite. You are a person with a very nasty illness and you and your wife should be proud of the fact that you are maintaining. Somehow finances always works its way into the picture. It is unfair. Think about how many people who were well off that have lost the fight. Our health matters most. Everything else is just a by product of living.
I'm not sure where I was going with this but when I read about people struggling more with the stigma than the illness it hits a nerve.
You are a brave individual; a warrior. Every day is a battle when you're sick but it does get better. Allow yourself the time to recover. Lose the guilt. It just feeds the illness.
Take care of yourself. You're going to be ok.Last edited by Determined; April 2, 2016, 06:12 PM.Comment
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Krty, that sucks. I wish I could give better advice than just take it as well as you can.
Determined: yes, health matters a great deal, but its maintenance requires more than just self care. Money is key to survival. I hate it, but that is how society is structured, and I am too stupid to do anything about it. To me, it seems that it's a better solution to die, as i'm not financially viable, than to continue leeching off of others as a form of survival. My wife has every right to resent me because, to her, living in poverty isn't acceptable. It isn't, of course, but I'm just incapable. I resent myself for putting her (and keeping her) in this situation. Without me, she could have actually had a good life. I really want to die because it would seem just and it would relinquish her of the obligation to care for me, both of which would be cathartic for essentially everyone.Comment
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Hi guilt-n-shame,
The very first thought that struck me when I read your post is your first sentence. (Obvious, I know, but let me continue!) I know that feeling, you don't want to open up and you basically need that freedom from everything else to sort through your own thoughts. Reading further, it's clear that you are doing your best to manage, but you are struggling with a low sense of self worth. There has been much written about that symptom and yes, it is incredibly hard to find any advice that helps the individual situation. You have identified the root cause as financial and that becomes something we really seem to try hard to avoid.
Poverty is a great hurdle. We don't want to be there and the shame in poverty is as great as the shame we commonly experience from mental illness. I would go as far to say the two are linked. Society is kind enough to suggest the issues do not matter, but reality is otherwise.
I am something of an absurdist and a scifi fan as well. One of my favorite authors has this to say about money;
“This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movement of small green pieces of paper, which was odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Pretty much sums up my opinion on finances, but I am fortunate enough to have a meagre pension to rely on. I was the sole breadwinner in our household and the lessons of poverty were not learned easily, or quickly. Dealing with this has been difficult for my family and has resulted in individual depressive episodes of their own. For my part, it becomes another stressor in that I feel guilty about allowing the entitled lifestyle to take hold, then pulling it away when I no longer was able to afford it. The medical community will reassure me that it was not my fault, but the reality of opportunity missed due to lack of finances is pretty hard to swallow.
Everything does not show on the balance sheet. There are contributions made to daily living that are as important as a paycheck and it is something that the wage earner may have difficulty seeing. I was on the other end of this balance for many years and some of my past comments and actions could be construed as unsympathetic. I have reflected on this and I am struck by the difficult balance such thought represents. Your contribution is yours to make and there is value in it, no matter what the form. It is up to you to protect this value, yet you must look beyond your own horizons to acknowledge and fairly value the contributions of others. Easy words to say and I will admit I have difficulty implementing this.
Back on the subject of posting, I find that posting to this forum does wonders for eliminating the loneliness that accompanies depression. I veiw it as an extension of sorts to journalling. As Krty points out, you may as well write a book. In some sense, I have. I have journal entries filling a few hundred pages in a private file. All very therapeutic. Occasionally, I have shared thoughts from this although there have been incidents recorded, then destroyed. Symbolic, of sorts. We all have secrets with the capacity to hurt ourselves and others that may best be left untold. Recording, then destroying the record may bring some sort of individual closure. On the other hand, my journal has become somewhat historic. I enjoy reading back through it as it reveals past success and other details of my life that otherwise may soon be lost to the aging process. I possibly hold a secret hope that those words may someday help others to understand me, or provide a guide to avoiding the pitfalls I may have encountered.Comment
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Hey Fighting Back,
The thing is that I'm likely not doing my best to manage, that I've settled into this lifestyle of entitlement. Some have suggested writing a journal, which would probably be therapeutic, but I don't have the energy to really care (it's hard enough to have the energy to care about the projects that I 'need' to get done [need meaning that they're things that have been on my mind for years and I'm trying now to flesh those ideas out]). Death seems such the tempting option and I don't feel much is holding me back: my wife, my dog... not much else. I'm just so weary of how the would is structured, but it's selfish of me to want things done differently (ie. remove economic restraints via a change in attitude and perception; wanting that on a global scale is improbable to the point of being impossible). My mind is shrouded in the dark fog of depression and it's pretty hard to bear.Comment
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I'm worthless i'm worthless i'm worthless i'm worthless i'm worthless i'm worthlessComment
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If it has become crisis time, please head for the emergency room.Originally posted by guilt-n-shame View Post
I would like to say you are not worthless and repeat as necessary. Our connection is simply an internet link and it is impossible for myself or anyone else to be there in person for you, however that does not change the fact that there are people out there including myself who care about you and are concerned for you.
I think it may be time, please seek help at your local emergency room.Comment
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It's not crisis time: I just had a bit of a freak out. Those at the emergency room aren't help anyway, at least not in the umpteen times I've been there. With rarely any/no physical symptoms, it's understandable and it's not made any easier because I can't explain things. But death is merely a fable at this point. Until my health fails, the probability, statistically, of my dying are ridiculously low. Perhaps a tad hyperbolic, but I'd say my chances of dying are akin to the chances of being struck by lightning. I don't do anything risky, I don't socialize with people (let alone the "wrong" people), I'm pretty invisible, and random accidents don't present themselves to me. And I can't kill myself (I'm too stupid). So, I have to mope through life an unmotivated turd until finally something happens to end my miserable experience.Comment
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Hi Krty
I can so relate to everything you said. You description of feelings and experiences with others is exactly how it feels for me also. I might soon be faced with having to go back the the job I was taken off 2 years ago because of my mental illness. It is a small staff. I have never spoken to anyone since I left but I know they all know what happened to me. I've seen how they gossip and judge others. It is going to be hell walking in that door and facing everyone again. I can't bare to think about it sometimes.It is comforting to know that someone out there understands so well how I am feeling. Here is hoping you find something in your gray days to smile about. I know I have to work hard at it lots of days.Comment
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Hello MoMoe and Others. Going back to work or even going back to church or other activity can be a nightmare after a leave for a mental health illness.
It's true that people often gossip and I won't try and sugar coat that. But there are some ways to tell with coworkers that may help (see below).
The fact that people don't stay in touch while someone is off with a mental health issue shows more about their short comings than ours. Most people that I know are good people, they just have no idea how to talk to a person with a mental health issue.
A website called working through it has a lot of info about returning to work. Some will be applicable, some will be of no use. However if you go to the left hand side of the first page where it sez " Talking to co workers" you may get some advice that may help. There are also other subjects shown there. http://www.workplacestrategiesformen...ion11Page.aspx
I wish anyone returning to work good luck, it is always difficult. Take Care. paul m"Alone we can do so little;
Together we can do so much"
Helen KellerComment
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Momoe - good luck transitioning back to work.
I'm in a bit of a pickle: it's something that would normally send me to the bottom for a while, but it's not affecting me as negatively for some reason, but I feel it should make me feel terrible. Recently, my father was visiting from out of province and had joined me at a service at the church for which I sing, when one of the choir members who is spearheading a project approached me and asked me to take part. Because she asked me in front of my father, I felt awkward saying no (though likely, had she asked me any other time, I probably would've been agreeable). Problem is that the church is across town and I can't afford taking transit there one day outside of the normal transit (let alone the three days she asked me to join), but I have no idea how to back out in a way that is socially acceptable (considering I have to see her every Thursday and Sunday) without feeling like a monster (moreso). Anyone have a suggestion on what I should do?Comment
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Hi Guilt-n-shame
I know it is easier said than done but you don't owe anyone your time or energy if it doesn't work for you. People are allowed to change their minds too. I know I would probably be searching for the first "plausible excuse" I could think of in the same situation but I am getting better at just saying no. You have every right to say that upon reflection, you realized that you are unable to commit to it. I was watching the Oprah show one day and she said that her way of dealing with that situation is to simply say - That just isn't going to work for me. Period. No explanation. I know it sounds harsh but I have used it when I feel brave and it makes me feel so good after. Very empowering. Just my 2 cents. I hope you are able to solve your pickle.
Blessings.
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Hello Guilt-n-shame. Tough situation. There's been more than a few times when I should have no , but I said yes and then had to back out.
MoeMo's advice is sensible and polite " upon reflection I'm unable to commit to it" . Nothing wrong with that.
More than a few times I've also said "sorry I've thought it through and I can't afford the 15-20 bucks right now." (or whatever the cost to get there and back is).
Sometimes (many times) people have offered to pay and I just said "thank you for your kind gesture, but no thanks. " Other times I've said. " Sure I'd appreciate that."
I don't like taking charity any more than the next person, but I've discovered that sometimes charity doesn't have to be paid back directly to the same person, nor does it have to be paid back in cash. Some days I make my payment to society by merely saying hello to someone who might not otherwise hear a kind word. Take Care. paul m"Alone we can do so little;
Together we can do so much"
Helen KellerComment
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if anyone in my workplace had to spend even 5 minutes in my mind when depression was at its worst they would have thrown themselves off the nearest bridge. This is the stuff nightmares are made and I will no longer apologize to anyone if it sounds exaggerated or over the top drama. Almost 40 years of this entitles me to stand on my soap box.
Death seems such the tempting option and I don't feel much is holding me back: my wife, my dog... not much else. I'm just so weary of how the world is structured, but it's selfish of me to want things done differently.
I am new here but starting to identify my feelings over the past several years and these two quotes from different posters in this thread seem to sum it all up. I can't say "No". But even when I am doing my best and I think it's the right thing to do somebody/everybody seems to not agree. Then I think I'm doing everybody's work. There is no end. I want to get out before it's too late but always at this point, somebody says they need my experience and training.
Thank you for listening.
ThtufusComment
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