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    Things will get better, they always do eventually...

    Hello everyone,

    I hope all are well, it has been a long time since I've posted here. I have a lot on my chest and mind, if I may say... Life has been o.k., even if I've been living a lot of stress and unsatisfaction. I though I was done with depression, last year, I stoped my Celexa gradualy and I felt so good, but I was still taking my other med. Wellbutrin. Anyway, it turned out that Celexa was pulling me down, I just couldn't get out of bed in the morning, no motivation what so ever. It seemed that my life was on the automatic gear. I was so happy when I started getting better, it felt very good. After one month off the med, I started to have buring pain in the stomach area, it would radiate all over, it was pretty bad. Anwyay, it seams to me that I traided one problem for another. I've been working with my family Doctor, running all sorts of tests for the past year, but they can't find anything. My Doctor told me, I beleive you when you say you have aches and pains, but is it possible that it is psychosomatic? Yes I said, it could be possible, now that we've passed just about every tests we can pass. So we decided to increase my Wellbutrin, it has been only 2 weeks, I've been so anxious the past 2 weeks and today I'm feeling so depressed. I am curently taking the maximum dose for the Wellbutrin, that's a lot.

    It is hard to push one self to do everyday activities when one is depressed. I know this feeling is something that comes and goes, I just have to accept it for what it is when it happens. Also, I am greiving the 3 closests persons to me that are not there anymore. My Dad died last Summer of lung cancer, I miss him dearly, but for him it was better to pass-on at one point. My mother presented signs of either depression or the begining of Alziemer's. Three months after my father's passing, she went into a deep depression. She even had paranoia episodes, it was so hard for all of us to see my mother like this. Since then, she had a few diagnostics but the Psychiatrists are still doing some evaluations, they say my mother's case is very complex. She has been hopitalized since early Janurary. I miss my mother so much, she has been in her negative - nightmare world due to her illness, but suprisingly, she has improved this week, they have stoped one of her medicaion. Looks like we will have to empty the family house eventually, it's very sad, but we do want what is best for my mother.

    Last thing, I was in a relationship for the past 10 years, it was an on and off kind of relationship, he is a great guy, it's just that we cannot be together, it doesn't work. I finaly decided to end the relationship last September, but we decided to remain freinds. Now that didn't work for me because I always sort of hoping we would get back together again. I've decided to stop our freindship, it is so hard, he was my best freind and confident for all those years, I felt he supported me and now there is nothing of this anymore. It is a hard period, I feel very lonely.

    I am fortunate that my son comes to stay with me every second weekend, he is a good young adult. My daugther is living in an appartment with other students. I both love them dearly, and they love me as well. Since they were young, I would tell them how much I love them, and they would tell me the same. It is so important, it helps so much when one is going through a hard period, as I am going presently.

    Tuesday, I will start work again. I left on sick leave because my physical pain was so intense. Now I an going back feeling depressed. I know work will help me with my routine and to get my mind off things. It will also give me the sens of accomplishment. I was hoping to get a few things done around the house but I wasn't able to, since I wasn't feeling very well. It is so hard to be compashionate with one self and non-jugemental. I am kinder to other people than with myself. I am working on this, I find Eckhart Tolle's approch helps and it can work in an instant sometimes, it just takes practice and determination.

    Anyway, the good wheather is around the corner, I know and tell myself that depression feelings always pass and better days are here to come. It will be a challenging week just to show up at work, but once I am there, it is o.k., I am productive and my colleagues are very nice.

    If there are points that you can relate to or what so ever, I would really like to hear from you, we are not alone and sharing does help.

    Take care,

    Mousseline

    #2
    Hi Mousseline

    It sounds like you are carrying an incredible amount of burden right now. I am sorry to hear that. When I was reading about your difficulties with your meds I could totally relate. I have been on so many over the years I often wonder who the "real me" is. I have bipolar disorder, Generalized anxiety disorder and just this past year I was also diagnosed with adult ADHD. I was discovered when I attempted to go back to university after 20 years. These past 2 years have been hell trying to keep it together while stressing about school all the time. Oddly enough I just started a new medication for my ADHD that seems to have changed my mood significantly as well as my productivity. Im taking Biphentin now after struggling through many dosages of Adderall and Concerta. I think I was being over stimulated on the other ones. I actually feel quite calm and (dare I say) slightly happy. I have said this before but in my experience, when I stumble on periods of feeling happy, it is always underlined with that sense of dread because I know it is only temporary. I try to stay present and enjoy feeling well but it takes effort to keep those worrisome thoughts at bay all the time. On a side note - I have vented on here several times about my fear of being kicked out of my masters program for being so late with all my assignments. My fear of failure has been crippling but I do have documentation from my Psychiatrist that lets me take the time I need to get things done. Since I have been feeling well the last couple weeks (and started taking the Biphentin), my anxiety about school has decreased significantly. I am still behind with some things but I am so happy to say that I will be finished my program at the end of the month. I can't believe I did it. This has been a huge milestone in my life. Im not trying to brag about feeling good but I need to allow myself to feel proud of an accomplishment instead of ignoring the success and focusing on everything I did wrong. I seriously think the medication is influencing my mood upswing. Anyhoo, sorry for venting so much. Your post got me thinking about all the medications that did not work for me over the years. Take care.

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