Help with my Fiance

[DarkAtoli]

My fiance has depression, and has had it for years. He isn't treated for it, nor does he see a therapist. I keep butting heads with him about things, and I just don't know how to get through to him. For example, I ask him to pay the rent (we share a bank account, but he's the only one with the landlord's email), and he doesn't. I think he just forgets, but when I remind him the next day he freaks out at me, storms off to our bedroom, and still doesn't send it off. I hate all these close-call deadlines, but no matter how I approach the subject he always gets mad at me and tells me off for nagging him.

We're very poor right now, and I know he's extremely stressed because of it. He only very recently got a job, and we're running on fumes. He starts his new job tomorrow. We don't even have $10 in the bank account. He's been really upset about how hard it was for him to find a job. He's considered "overqualified" to work retail, but "under-qualified" to do what he went to school for (he was a diploma in Software Development, and everyone that's looking for a software dev in our province are looking for people with AT LEAST 5 years experience in being a software dev).

Right now he also works with a friend doing projects dealing with computers and software things for people. There is a project they have on the go right now that should profit them around $450, with my fiance taking home around $100 of that. But the client was out of town until today, and there's no guarantee she's going to pay them right away. His friend is extremely lazy and told my fiance that instead of doing the job today, like he thought, his friend was planning on setting up the client's server tomorrow, when my fiance is starting his new job. So we're doubting right now that his friend is even going to pay him for the five hours of work he's already put into the project. They also had an opportunity at a second job doing social media stuff, but the friend kept blowing off contacting the client with an estimate for how much it will cost. I kept telling my fiance to get a hold of the friend to get a number worked out, and after 3 weeks he finally got a number. I then insisted he contact the client himself, because his friend basically implied that we wasn't going to contact him any time soon, but my fiance refused and kept giving me excuses as to why he couldn't. Now he starts his new job tomorrow and that's his excuse for not getting a hold of the client.

I'm really frustrated, I know it's not all my fiance's fault, his friend is being very lazy and selfish. My fiance thought he'd be a good partner to work with but after actually working with him he's come to realize that his friend doesn't know how to work as a team, he just does whatever he wants and ignores my fiance's input. But honestly sometimes it makes me feel like he doesn't care about taking care of us. I know he's been really stressed, so have I, and he's been struggling very hard with his depression because of this. But what am I supposed to do? I can't tell off his friend for being a bad teammate. Then my fiance might not get another chance at working with him. However, he could have contacted a potential client that would have paid upfront for the service. He stresses about not making money, and this stress somehow excuses him from trying to obtain money??

I'm trying to be understanding but the whole thing has got me extremely stressed. I can't talk to him about it from my point of view because every time he either yells at me or sulks and plays the victim card, talking down about himself and making it all about him. Right now I'm on EI, because we recently moved for his work term (for software development, his friend was his mentor), and if I could go out and get a job I would, but it would only give me an extra $50 every two weeks which isn't really worth it... At my last job, I had a mental breakdown from stress because I have bad anxiety. I need help, I want someone to give me advice on how to talk to him, and not let him fall into another "poor me" fest, but rather try to be productive!!

I don't want to sound harsh but I really just want to help him and encourage him, not make him feel like he's not good enough and that he's a failure :/

[paul m]

Hello DarkAtoli and welcome. Having a mental illness is rough on everyone involved, partners, friends, other loved ones and of course the sufferer themselves. I wish I could give you answers on how to make your fiance see the light and obtain some form of treatment, but often that is impossible. Trying to have someone get treatment for a mental illness is often much like trying to get an alcoholic to get treatment for their drinking problem. They cannot be persuaded until they are ready.

That doesn't mean that there are not things that you can't try. The following link has some info https://www.mooddisorders.ca/guide/g...-mood-disorder . I can't speak for others, but when I'm severely depressed it is usually not the best time to talk to me. Unfortunately when I'm not depressed, neither my wife or I really want to talk about my illness and often hope it will just stay away. Of course it doesn't.

Not having any money certainly puts extra pressure on people when no extra pressure is needed and I can sympathize with both you and your fiance about that. My wife and I went through that as well and the only way that I could make crucial decisions when I was really ill was to divide them into small slices and work at them one at a time. Even doing that would over whelm me at times. My wife and I eventually came to an agreement where we would set a date to try and discuss a problem and find resolutions to it. We did this one small problem at a time(financial , treatment matters or other things). It took a long time to work through all of the problems that my illness had caused, but eventually we resolved most things. If we tried too go to quick then I couldn't handle it and we lost ground. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m

[AJ]

Welcome to the forums DarkAtoli.

[DarkAtoli]

Thank you for replying!

I'm glad you and your wife found a way that works fairly well for you both. However I'm not sure your approach would work for my situation. I've tried convincing him to take it one step at a time, but he gets fixated on problems and becomes obsessed with trying to fix them all immediately. He's spent his whole life trying to fix problems as soon as they arise, and it's become the way his brain works. So it doesn't take much for him to get overwhelmed, especially right now when we're going through a hard time and it feels like we can't catch a break.

Whenever I try to talk to him about his problems, he talks about all the things he can't do, rather than focus on the things he can. When I try to remind him that there are options and solutions out there, he usually brushes them off saying that it won't help or won't work. Sometimes I can convince him to do something that I know will ease some of his stress, but mostly he will procrastinate until we're basically out of options.

For example, he's at the end of his work term right now, and in order to pass he is supposed to be writing daily entries about what he did pertaining to his education in software. I wasn't aware of this until last night, and he confessed that he hasn't sent his teacher an email in over 3 weeks. He also told me that his friend (and work term mentor) was supposed to send her an email as well, filling out a form she sent him over a month ago, and apparently he hadn't looked at it until last night, after I told my fiance to get a hold of him and tell him it was urgent that he contact his friend and get him to send off the form. My fiance is really stressed because 45% of his final mark for the work term relies on his friend, and as I've already stated his friend is lazy and also unreliable, which we did not know before the work term. So he is afraid he is going to fail, and I told him to contact his teacher, either by email or phone, and tell her the reason he hasn't sent her an email, and tell her that the work term for him did not go as expected. He's afraid that if he tells his teacher the truth, she will tell him that she won't accept his work term and he will have to have a second work term, which isn't terrible but it's not really good either. Either way I think I've convinced him to call her Wednesday, because the what-ifs are stressing him out so badly and I think knowing what his teacher would say as opposed to guessing will help make him more sane, even if she says what he doesn't want to hear.

As to your other point, about not wanting to talk about it when you're not depressed, I'm more-so worried that if I bring it up I will make him depressed. My fiance is the kind of person that if he can either suppress it or ignore it, he will. So he spends most of his leisure time playing video games and watching tv shows to keep his mind off his problems. Almost every time I've brought up a problem that makes him feel more depressed, it basically ruins his day because he dwells on the negativity and blames himself more than necessary. And he's not ready for therapy, even though he knows he needs it. I think he's putting it off because he wants to be available to work over-time if he can manage it at his new job, so that he can buy me things that I want. While the gesture is sweet, I don't want him to sacrifice his mental health for me, and I've told him that I don't care about having new stuff. I mean, obviously there are things that I want, but I'm okay with waiting to purchase those things.

He is very impatient, and he becomes depressed if he can't solve a problem right away. When he's depressed he's unproductive, and he will either lie in bed or play video games/watch tv to try to cheer himself up, which is good that he tries to make himself happy, but it's not good that he becomes unproductive. I'd love to work with him at his own pace, but unfortunately reality doesn't slow down.

[uni]

Hello DarkAtoli. I don't have time for a long reply, so here's a short one. Your post has triggered a memory in me. Twice when I was at university I ran into trouble getting my work done on time due to personal problems. In each case I went to the prof and explained my situation briefly but honestly. I think they'd heard this type of thing from others, and I got an extension, did the work the best I could, handed it in, and my marks weren't affected. I'm not saying your fiance should do that, am just sharing it as a possible alternative. I wish both of you the best in all this. It sounds like you have persistence, which is admirable (can't get the "thumbs up: icon to work)

[DarkAtoli]

Thanks for replying! Hopefully when he calls his teacher tomorrow everything goes well. She knows about his history with depression, so I'm not expecting any problems Thanks again for your response, it was helpful!

[AJ]

I had to reschedule an exam in University and my professor was very understanding. I had no issues doing that. The heard part was asking.

[paul m]

Hello DarkAtoli. Unfortunately,what has worked for my wife and I ,probably won't work for many others and I never try to say other wise. For us , it was a long hard road covering perhaps a 15 yr dark period of which 10 yrs were really dark. However we did learn a lot of things that if we had to do it all over again, would have made my recovery faster and easier. All of the advice that I may give is based on what has happened in my own life or what I know for a fact has happened in someone I know's life. Those happenings may be much different in other people's lifes. Nothing I say here should be taken as a criticism as everybodies experience is different and I'm certainly no better or smarter than the next person.

When someone is resistant to getting treatment, there is often very little that we can do about it. When you say "As to your other point, about not wanting to talk about it when you're not depressed, I'm more-so worried that if I bring it up I will make him depressed" It may make him more depressed if the depression is there when you talk with him. However if the depression isn't there, talking about it in a calm manner using two way dialogue, should not send him crashing into depression. Getting into an argument over what he is going to do about his depression may crash him. So will trying to talk about too many things or listing all of the problems that his depression is causing.. The easiest first step is asking a person why they do not want to get treatment for an illness. Second step (after they give you what ever excuse for not getting treated) is to ask how they expect to get better when not getting treated in the past hasn`t worked.

In your opening, you said "My fiance has depression, and has had it for years. He isn't treated for it, nor does he see a therapist." I cannot say what will work for you and him, but it doesn't sound as if him not getting treatment is working very well. When my illness became worse and worse (often many mental illnesses can get worse with out treatment) and I would not search for solutions or try what my doctor recommended, my wife was left with no choice but to leave me. By no choice, I mean that my wife was getting dragged down into the same morass that I refused to leave and that would have eventually destroyed her too. I got lucky and the separation was very temporary and my wife agreed to take me back if I agreed to a very long list of items. The very first was go to the doctor and start to find out what will work.

I am not suggesting that you leave your fiance, there are other ways to get him to seek treatment. I was a slow learner and I had to be beat over the head to see the light, so to speak. Much like some alcoholic`s I had to crash hard before agreeing to treatment. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m

[DarkAtoli]

Hi Paul! I think the best I can do for now is support my fiance and let him make the decisions about what he needs. His depression doesn't come and go, it's always lurking in the back of his mind, and I know for a fact that if I were to give him an ultimatum it would not help things at all. I understand that it must have been an incredibly difficult situation between you and your wife, but I know if I were to threaten to leave my fiance would go over the edge, so to speak. Right now he believes that he's okay, because he recently got hired at two different jobs, and his main concern was providing for us. I fully believe that working two jobs will prove to be very stressful for him, but he's trying to remain hopeful and positive. So all I can really do is encourage him as best I can, and let him decide for himself what is too much.

Thank you once again for responding, and even if your situation was different your advice is very helpful