Relationship anxiety

[catman]

Hi all,

I'm having a really hard time dealing with my anxiety toward my relationship lately. Ever since I lost trust in my boyfriend (can pin it back to about a year ago now), I've been trying to build it up again. However, I find that with the loss of trust, I'm always anxious about our relationship, to the point where I almost feel obsessed (which makes me sick). The biggest problem I've been having is doubting practically everything he says. I also become very agitated with his choice of words - for example, I'll read into something until it drives me mad. He's a pretty poor conversationalist, so contact can leave me feeling very unsatisfied. I also get very annoyed when he doesn't respond for ages. I know, I know, typical girlfriend behaviour, but honestly when we're just sending a couple texts each day, I feel he's barely in my life. Sometimes I get so fed up that these feelings creep into the times I get to see him, and it sours the moment. I can't tell if this is something *I* need to work on, or if I'm giving too much to someone not willing to give back. Basically, is this a me problem that I need to address, or is this just growing pains of a relationship? Any advice or experiences greatly welcomed.

[guilt-n-shame]

This sounds exactly like my relationship with my wife... or, more aptly, my wife's relationship with me. She has high anxiety, and although I'm not your boyfriend, maybe I can help as a sort of intermediary. I, too, am a poor conversationalist, possibly even more so (I have social anxiety and, though there's no official diagnosis, my wife wonders if I have Aspergers, as her cousin, diagnosed, has very similar issues as I have), and things I say will sound - or maybe in reality be - insensitive. It doesn't help she has little trust in me, as seems similar to your problem. She will obsess over something I said that I did not intend as inflammatory, then get more upset because I take forever to respond (if I respond at all: this of course is not because I want to shut her out, but because I can't seem to process it, which I don't know how to convey to my wife because, opposed to her own belief that I am 'very smart', it seems to me I'm incredibly lacking in cognitive ability - from slightly complex arithmetic equations to the ideation and construction of purpose). She's been out of town for the past week (and will be out for a week more), and feels I'm barely in her life, considering I text her fairly inconsistently. Now, I can't speak for your boyfriend, but I'm not intentionally trying to hurt my wife or distort her perceptions (gas-lighting, etc.), I'm just a dullard. Now, I'm not trying to insult your boyfriend, just sharing anecdotes. It's not by any means advice, but perhaps you'll be able to glean some assurance from the explanation of my situation.

Cheers.

[catman]

Thanks for your insight, guilt-n-shame. There are some definite similarities between your relationship with your wife and my relationship with my boyfriend. It's good to hear that I'm not the only over-analyzing one out there. Any other advice from anyone else would be very appreciated.