Okay...

[guilt-n-shame]

I know this is going to sound whiny and weak, but I wish I had died 28 years ago when I was in a car accident rather than having lived with a disability, ambling from one disappointment to the next, continually screwing up and/or (with more stress on the and) ruining things. I have a lot of trouble trusting any compliment anyone gives me; in my mind, no one is sincere in their dealings with me, and they'll just tiptoe around me because I'm 'special' and wouldn't understand any critique that they'd offer, trapped into humouring me to spare me any anguish that I may suffer due to my inadequacy. Not only would I have been spared almost three decades of pain and frustration, but I'd have also spared my family a lot of trouble. How do I not feel absolutely worthless? How can I reconcile the abject misery that is my experience with what life is (or is supposed to be)? It bothers me to no end that I survived, and even more so that I can't determine purpose or self-actualization in any meaningful way. What point is there to living in eternal squalor and depression (I say eternal because I can't imagine not being miserable: there's nothing that brings me any joy or satisfaction; I don't even know if my wife and dog bring any sense of pleasure anymore)?

[bucky310]

Hi there guilt-n-shame... I hope you're doing better than a couple of days ago.

This terrible disease can certainly plague us. My only hope is that we all can find a way to feel better.

I'd personally suggest speaking to either a therapist or a doctor about your recent struggles.

Apart from that I can only send along a virtual hug and assurances that you're not alone and I too understand your pain.

Best of luck.

[guilt-n-shame]

Hi Bucky,

Quite late in responding, so I expect no response. I saw my doctor who suggested some therapy 'courses' offered by the healthcare network through which the clinic is connected: all course are six sessions long due to public funding deficiencies, then I need to get another referral to another 'course' if it exists. I'm waiting for the first session at the end of the month. I'm not very enthusiastic of public therapy as a big portion of the funding received is for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which works efficiently enough that most other methods of dealing with mental health are ignored. It's all quantified to get the "most bang for the buck", as is pretty much everything else - I'm not going to go into a rant on the state of public education as a result of breaking down everything into a measurable form, just giving it as an example - which disregards the intangibility and abstractness of the practice (humans and human activity are, it would seem, more complex than to merely be assigned a number).

I understand that I'm not alone - I know many who suffer from some form of mental incapacitation... I've not admitted this to anyone, but, I feel to 'suffer' from such 'maladies' is to admit you're weak and stupid. I hate the idea that in a world as messy and ugly as this, we (collectively, yet not necessarily individually) have allowed these afflictions to dominate us, being coddled and told that we are allowed to "be sad" sometimes: in my experience, having that leeway eventually leads to complete apathy, to doing nothing at all due to 'mental fragility'. I am unworthy of life as I am (and likely forever will be) a sad-sack that is going to hide away from everything and everyone until I isolate myself and end up dying in the streets. That day can't come soon enough.

[paul m]

Hello Guilt-n-shame. I think that on the forum there have been topics in the last 6mths or so about diet, medication, exercise, meditation, ECT's and a variety of other topics about how to get well and now you are being offered a free CBT course. Yet you say about CBT " which works efficiently enough that most other methods of dealing with mental health are ignored. "

Do you mind if I ask what other methods are you seeking, and what exactly are you looking for? Perhaps I can find some place offering it. Take Care. paul m