Depression & Work

[Cozy1]

Hello,

I have joined this forum and I am reaching out to see if anyone has any advice when it comes to dealing with depression and work.

I have been diagnosed with depression (& anxiety) years ago, so unfortunately this is nothing new to me. I wouldn't consider this my lowest point but slowly I feel like I am getting there.

I work a job I have no other experience, education or skills in. I started 2 years ago as an assistant, and last November I got promoted to a relatively higher position. However I was not trained, and received a high work load, so it was very stressful. Last year was rough for me, so this did not help me on my journey for better mental health. A year ago I could barely get out of bed, but with the help of cognitive thinking therapy I am more functional, which is good.

Now I still work this job, and it is still very difficult and strenuous on my health. I know the best thing to do is to find a new job, but in these times it will take a long time. My job has a lot of good benefits, flexible hours, pay, and they are very accommodating. My supervisors always say I'm doing a good job, but despite all these positive aspects I am still depressed going into work. I feel like I'm the kind of person who will need a job that they are passionate about.

Lately I don't see a point in anything, and hate waking up in the morning. I wish I didn't exist or was dead, but it's more passive than anything. I have been suicidal in the past, and never want to go back to such things, but I am worried that it could reach that point again. I cry a lot, and am in physical pain due to the depression and stress. I do my best to keep up with the cognitive thinking techniques, and feel relatively not depressed a few hours a day outside of work. It's really hard to feel so good on a weekend and so bad during the week.

I really want to break this cycle but I feel so tired and hopeless. I know I have a good life and I try hard to appreciate it but I still feel so stuck.

I am just wondering if anyone has felt in the same situation, and can offer any advice. I think one of the hardest things about depression is how isolated it can make you feel.

Sorry, I feel like this is a long post, I hope that's okay.
Thank you.

[AJ]

Welcome to the forum Cozy1.

[QUOTEI have joined this forum and I am reaching out to see if anyone has any advice when it comes to dealing with depression and work.
][/QUOTE]

Many of us have struggled trying to deal with depression and work. From my own experience, looking after my well being had to come before work to get well again. It was a hard to do that. I worried about all kinds of repercussions. The truth is, if I hadn't I'm not sure I'd be around today. ( I also worked in the health care field so for me patient safety was paramount and I did not want to be at my job if I couldn't do it properly. )

I went on disability. People talked, and going back to work was hard, but being well again was worth it.

Good for you for using CBT. I know some people find it quite helpful. Sometimes therapy or medication can be helpful. If you aren't already, seeing a doc for a full workup might be something you'd consider.

[paul m]

Hello Cozy1 and welcome. Don't worry about the length of your posts, I write some real long ones myself. I agree with AJ about seeing a doctor as sometimes physical problems can present as mental ones. Just make sure that your doc is aware of all of the problems or they may not run enough tests.

I can't give you any great advice about your job, I ended up having to give my career up as the combination of it and my illness were destroying me. However, try and keep in mind that you are a good person with a bad illness and not a bad person with good excuses. Good Luck with your job and Take Care. paul m

[Cozy1]

Hello,

Thank you for the responses. I have been considering going to a doctor again so maybe I will do so. I have also considered stress leave to allow myself time to just focus of my wellbeing. The pressure to work/make money is difficult but I think you are both correct in prioritizing your wellbeing over your work. I will do my best and consider my options, but now I know that I should not let this job consume me so much.
Thank you so much!

[AJ]

Keep us posted on how you're doing Cozy1.

[Determined]

Hi Cozy. I haven't been very active on here lately. I think it's mostly because I am in the same circumstances as you are. It's quite bizarre really. About 4 years ago I managed to get a new job and get away from the stressful workplace I was in. I thought I was all set. Everything about the new job was positive. But for reasons I can't explain I went off the rails again. I hadn't had a depressive episode of such severity in over 12 years. I mean, depression never really leaves us but for me it would ease up enough to allow me a relatively stable life. Anyhow, I lost it again, ended up in the hospital, lost my "dream job" and after a couple years of recovery ended up back in the hell hole I so desperately wanted to get out of. I can't even begin to explain how I feel anymore but it is a constant battle and I am not sure that I am winning. I suppose the reason for my posting this is to let you know that I know your anguish. Doesn't seem fair somehow but then fairness has never fallen under the mood disorder umbrella.

You are correct in putting your well being first. It's a difficult situation and I know in my case all I can do is take it a day at a time and always be open to change, no matter how frightening it may sound.

Just my two cents. I wish you all the best.

[Fighting back]

Hi Determined,

I was wondering where you had got to. Sorry to hear it's been a downhill slide lately. You are so correct in saying the depression never really goes away.

And of course welcome Cozy1. I have read your post a few times in the past weeks, wondering if I could add anything here. I have posted quite a bit about my work history and how it contributed to my depression. As Determined says, you go off the rails for reasons you can't explain. You also can't predict those swings.

It's been 3 1/2 years since I took an early retirement. More like 5 years since I was diagnosed and decades since I began to feel the symptoms. Took a long time to get where I am today and I recently came to the opinion I may be able to return to full time work. The career that carried all the stress for me is over and I did take part time seasonal work in a new field for the last three years. Partly out of financial necessity and partly to keep the retirement routine from carving a new rut. There have been ups and downs, but I realized while lying awake one night that my current problems were very much not harmful and fully under my own control. That is a rare accomplishment and I am truly fortunate.

A new opportunity showed up recently and I got my resume in order. I received some favourable feedback from the potential employer and I am looking forward with some hope. There is the chance of renewed stress and I'm going to be very careful about that risk. I am going in planning on 5 years. If I must cut that short, I won't have a lot of needs or expectations to meet and I can resume my meagre retirement.

I wish everyone well.

[Determined]

I hope it is well with you Fighting back.

[Cozy1]

Thank you for the more responses.
It is comforting to know I am not alone. Determined, your use of the word "anguish" pretty much sums it up. I have seen my therapist and she is advising that I make a budget and find the most reasonable job immediately. Of course I agree so I am just working on that, and will do my best to take what opportunity I come across without fear (as it can't get much worse than this).

I am finding that doing more accomplishing hobbies in my free time has helped a lot, I study a course I am passionate about and do a lot of painting. I am trying to focus more on that than the abyss of work. And while sometimes I worry that a new job isn't key, I am thinking that at least that is one thing off the list of what makes me feel more depressed. If that makes sense? I will just do my best to stay positive about the future.