Learning to live this way

[Longroadahead]

Hello
I'm new to this kind of therapy but hopeful it will be helpful. I've been reading some of the posts and I can relate to many of you...unfortunately & fortunately

I'm 38 and tired of this disease it takes way too much time & energy to feel happy all the time. I'm on medication and feel like it is helping a little. I also see a psychologist and it helps to talk BUT it's very hard to become happy when I realize I will never be so called cured. I will probably take meds the rest of my days and I'm finally ok with that..without them I know I can't handle my disease.

I feel like a constant disappointment to my family. I don't have the energy for everyday things. I feel like I'm been held back by the darkness. I want to be a good wife/mother/coworker/friend but to many times I have let the darkness consume me. For every promise I break I just become more disappointed and darker. It's a never ending cycle that I know deep down will never end.

I take each day as they come and I am proud if I make through a day being a good wife/mother/coworker/friend.

Here's to a Long road ahead

[AJ]

Welcome to the forum Longroadahead. You will find this to be a very supportive group of people. Feel free to share, ask questions or simply vent. You are not alone in your struggles.

[paul m]

Hello Longroadahead and welcome. Mental illness can be tough to beat. However many of have taken a trip or two or more to hell and back and ended up reasonably happy. I learned long ago to just promise myself that I will try my best every day. That's my best and not someone else . My best may also mean doing nothing but surviving till the next day or it may mean that I have a full and active day. I enjoy the good days and I do what I can do minimize the bad days.

I'm glad that you are proud when you say " I take each day as they come and I am proud if I make through a day being a good wife/mother/coworker/friend." however you should also be proud when you make it through your horrible days.

Remember you are a good person with a bad illness and not a bad person with good excuses, there is a considerable difference. With a mental illness we rarely did anything wrong to get it. (like smoking) It's an illness we just got. While you may feel like a failure and disappointment to your family , you really aren't or if you are , then they need a little more education about the challenges that we face. Sometimes people refuse to be educated and while that is another challenge that we face, it's not our fault either.

I face both physical and mental disabilities. So far the physical ones have garnered me the most sympathy and support. While I appreciate the support etc for my physical problems, it's been my mental disabilities that have caused me far more problems and a lot of people just cannot understand that. Take Care. paul m

[Stenacron Man]

If I were to tell you of the absolutely horrible things I have been through i can make you feel pretty good about where you are. I have been institutionalized 12 times since 1997. One of the places was in Florida and it was true hell. Held against my will naked in a observation room for 18 hours being watched by 10 people with no rights. State run facilities make there money by holding people. If I even showed anxiety they would hold you longer. And once you been in the Henderson Behavioral crisis unit you are listed as Bakers acted. I was once pulled over for doing 2mph of the speed limit. They ran my plate read my license and bang on go the cuffs and it back to Henderson again.

Once you have been Bakers acted by law it's in their computers and you are considered a threat right away. I went to Henderson 5 times in 6 years. Live can be horrible being mentally ill but you have your family with you all the time. I truly understand the darkness it can be like a huge black smoky cloud your in as it put pressure down on the top of your head. Remember everybody has dark thought's is part of being human and there is no need to view yourself as a bad or disappointing person. You right it is a cycle that never ends. Here is a saying I made up about two years ago about being bipolar.

....."Being Bipolar is not a curse it is a great but difficult to manage GIFT"....... The greatest contributor to mankind are mentally ill. Its because you know that term thinking outside the box...well we always think outside the box!!!! Heck I can even see the darn box...But that is what makes me special I can see what 90% of the world can't. Some of the greatest contributors to mankind were bipolar, Winston Churchill, William Shakespeare, Michelangelo, Beethoven, Mozart, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and the list just keeps going from there. We are rare people with great empathy, sympathy, and enjoy helping others. Try to find things that really make you feel good and work with that everyday.



Buddy Mack.

[Longroadahead]

Thank you so much for the kind words. Both of you have given me something to think about. I struggle so much in my daily life that I feel like I'm watching a movie of myself being happy. The darkness is always mad/sad/hurtful in words or makes you feel so tired you could just go to sleep and that'd be it. I think I struggle the most because I don't exactly know what I'm dealing with. My family history is sketchy by observing some members I know mental illness is big in there life but I don't know a whole side of my family so who knows what they suffer from.
I am always trying to focus on feeling better going to work engaging my family. I just find I can't do all of these things on a regular basis.

Not sure of anything
Longroadahead

[Cocoa]

Longroadahead I hear you, I was in your shoes many years ago, with the family, I only had one child though. She is 27 now. She is what helped me get through my rough days and kept me going. If you have a husband and family that support you. You are doing great. Just keep doing what you are doing and you will be fine.
I still battle the Major Depression, on going circles and will be on medication for the rest of my life. I thank God, I can see some light and I get by. I try to keep myself healthy, busy at something I enjoy doing and staying positive. I have been lucky to only have been admitted to the phyc ward in 1992 and had to have ECT treatments. I have learned what I can and can't do to get by.
I joined this site some time ago but just started looking at it now. Wish I would of been looking at this site a long time ago. So many people on here I can relate to and feel for.

[Laurie23]

I am also trying to come to terms with my illness. During these last couple of weeks, I have really begun to appreciate and celebrate what I can do. I can't do what my peers can do, but I can still do something and what I can do is important. I am not a mother and I feel it is going to be difficult to raise kids. When I wake up each morning, I assess my energy level and set manageable goals. Do the important stuff (like spending time with your family) and let the dishes wait. I listen to my body a lot more now and when I feel tired, I make sure to rest for a short amount of time. It has taken me over seven years to get to this level of acceptance and there are days when I still don't accept it at all. Be kind to yourself. You aren't alone!

[Neddy]

Longroadahead I can relate and appreciate what you are going through and I truly wish you the best. I think we have a few things in common as much of what drives me and disappoints me at the same time is wanting to be a good father/husband/brother/son etc. I seem to go through periods of depression of varying degrees of severity and when I am feeling like this (like I am currently and why I came here) I too find myself making plans only to break them because I don't have the strength or energy or even interest. And then I feel worse because I've done that and it is indeed a vicious cycle. But I found that I felt better if I broke that cycle somewhere-and then stopped the regret. For me it was just accepting that when I am down, I really need to accept it and lay low for a while, no big plans, no visits etc. It's still a tough thing because I don't want to let anyone down but I am far better off avoiding things I can't do anyway then saying I will, only to back out or not show up. It's not a perfect solution but acceptance and altering your habits are a good start imo. I appreciate your sharing those things with us and I hope you feel better soon.