depression and interpersonal relationships

[purgatory]

hi everyone, along with depression there are many other mental diagnosis I'm sooo lucky to have with it (yup sarcasm). no idea if it's self destruction I have with it but that's a whole other aspect. After my parents decided to go via third party (which I've repreatively over the decades said no say it to my face) well they did it again with trying to give me a chuck of money. One must understand there is no such thing as a gift from them especially with a lot of strings. Let's not forget that I've phone them once every couple of weeks. Way better than the ten times a day min they would phone me before. In a nutshell I find myself with no assets again and I'm too old to start up again. Pretty well 'daddy" decided not to sign back my house even though I paid half my pay throughout to rent, utilities etc and of course when I had origianlly purchased all my rsp (max allowed). that's only part of it. Actuallly it was my pdoc who strongly encouraged to cut the toxic parents out. I knew by calling yesterday and saying to 'mother' that again why go through third party as I've requested that many times not to. she denies and on and on she goes that I don't care blah blah. Hello I took weeks off for her breast cancer, knee surgery doc appts every hosp visit for anxiety and her heart hospitalization and same for dad. Note the male brother didn't. Italian families have boys that are perfect. Okay back to my feelings part is this should have done it that they will outright never try contacting no surprises finally, which is calming in one way but negative feelings because of decades of put downs come back. Give me strength. My sin was to finally stop playing and I found someone in my late late 40s and we are living together. I'm allowed aren't I? thanks for listening as usual.

[paul m]

Hello Puragtory. I can appreciate the hurt and pain that you are going through. a little later I will tell you some of my story, not because I had it worse or that I'm the only one suffering, I just tell the story so that others can know that they aren't alone in their battle.

I would suggest listening to your psychiatrist. Many people have a toxic relationship with their parents. With some unfortunate people, the parents are just toxic and when that happens there is not much you can do. It doesn't feel nice and it can give you a lot of problems , but sometime that's what we have do do to survive.

I don't know enough about you to tell you what to do. However I can say what I had to do. I had to divorce my family and put past hurts behind me. I still see some of them sometimes , but rarely. Same for phone calls emails etc. Whenever I do see one of them I'm friendly, but that's it. I don't dwell on the past as I cannot change it, but I don't forget it either.

When my father was in the hospital for a while and wanted to get out he sent me a list of things to do, I went and visited him and returned his list, wished him well and walked out when the cursing started. No apologies on my part for leaving and no arguments either, I just walked away.

I would prefer a different relationship with my family, but it's not going to happen, so for me to be happy and get better I had to, not so much cut the ties as in force my rules. I have 5 siblings ,a father , two aunts and an uncle, 20 or so cousins and none have visited my place in 20 yrs, very few phone calls too. I send out Christmas and Birthday cards to all, about 1/4 of them will send me a Christmas card and my one brother phones me on my birthday, but that's it. That all hurts but I have to leave those hurts in the past and work on tomorrow, which unfortunately doesn't seem to include relatives. Take Care. paul m

[Stenacron Man]

Is this Chrissy ?

[uni]

Hi purgatory. I get what you're saying. I've committed the "sin" of not playing certain games with certain people too; and gifts with strings attached have always been a pet peeve of mine. I don't think anybody can push a person's buttons more than family of origin! Congratulations on doing your best to build a life for yourself with your partner without interference from others!

[purgatory]

sorry not Chrissy for stentron man

[purgatory]

Family has been drummed into me since birth (old italian thing) just trying to not let 49 yrs of I'm crazy, making up things etc that are part of my internal make up to get pass. I don't miss them as I've tried since I was a teenage to escape but guilt guilt guilt. I can't forgive my life savings first from ex then them (also the retirement plan I honestly paid that house over twice. I'm not physically well with the congenital birth defects. I'm afraid what I've always known will happen soon, living in the streets with no meds either. but the worse is they bought my daughter and fed her that I've abandoned her too. She's 20 I never dated til I met my partner right before she turned 19, so no uncle daddy revolving door. I was always home as that was what I was told by all three which my role. I'm seeing my pdoc on thurs because I'm hitting bottom, had another shocker. for the first time in 4 years a non abusive manager (my coworker and I were OMG finally) but she is on to bigger and better things. For two months I wasn't sick before going into work. My inner voices are strong that I'm useless, I deserve to be punished. I know it's only going to be a short time before my partner can't live with me and I don't and won't blame him. I guess it's just is.

[paul m]

Hello Purgatory. I'm sure that you are pretty depressed right now and when we are depressed and the following isn't a criticism of you. Just a bit more of my story. Everybody is different

For a long time I saw everything in the worse possible light. I went through yrs of bad luck. Part of that was my own fault because I didn't take enough steps to get the proper treatment, but some of it was truly bad luck. I have never owned a house, in fact at times bipolar mania has forced me to live in one small room , much less own a house. I have no savings and little prospect of improvement in that area, a poor relationship with relatives and three major physical illnesses to go along with my mental illnesses. I used to think that I would never be lucky again and that nobody would ever like me. I wouldn't exactly call myself lucky, but I do enjoy life know after yrs of misery and I did get better and in part I learned to live with my various illness and bad luck and still be able to get up smiling in the morning. So I guess that is pretty lucky.

For a long time my negativity pushed everyone away, including my wife and I was reduced to living in one small (very small room). There was also a matter of dealing with the police over troubles that bipolar brought on and a yrs house arrest as well as losing my professional status and not being able to work again.(because of various disabilities)

It wasn't easy crawling out of the depths of despair, but I eventually managed to put my past behind me,convince my wife to stay permanently and I learned to live with my assorted illnesses, mental and physical. I'm nobody special, I've just been able to accept the positive and put up with the negative. I have roof over my head and a wife who seems willing to stay with me, I've also been able to put the past in the past. Believe me when you are down it seems as if people are lining up to kick you and take advantage of you.

I find that when I continually thinking negatively it usually doesn't bring about a positive future for me in fact when I'm really negative all the time it becomes a self fulling prophecy.

You seem to have a negative image of your self ("My inner voices are strong that I'm useless") . You have had a bad luck and plenty of it too, that doesn't make you useless. You don't deserve to be punished,but try looking at your self this way. You have a job, you probably haven't been in jail and those two things alone leave you miles better than me in some people eyes. Believe me, some people never forget that I don't work and that I have a record. So in many people's eyes you are much better than me.

Cut yourself some slack. Your a good person with a bad illness, not a bad person with good excuses. Also eventually most people's luck turns around eventually. But first we often have to strt believing in our selves and when we are depresses that's pretty hard to do, but not impossible. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m

[Neli]

purgatory and paul m you are and have struggled with some very, very difficult realities. I know it isn't easy to think positive but it is essential to your well being. Depression makes it almost impossible to feel anything positive so start off very small. Find some small thing to be grateful for and build on that. As you are doing that, know that you are supported here. I am reading both your posts and feeling that I am so grateful that my illness hasn't totally ruined all the important things/people in my life. Right now I'm going through a difficult time wondering if I'll ever be returning to work (they are refusing to accommodate me as recommended by my psychiatrist) but when I read your struggles I have to tell myself I too, like paul, am lucky.

Best wishes to you both!

Neli

[AJ]

Sometimes family are not supportive, in fact they can just push all our buttons. Sometimes family can say things and do things that no stranger would dare say or do. Having people in your life who support you is a healthy choice. I hope you're feeling better soon Purgatory.