Boyfriend with depression and anger

[Feelingstuck]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 2 years. We have a 12 year age gap and it has never hindered us. However, he has been dealing with really bad depression for the past 6-7 months and nothing I do anymore helps. He has panic attacks when we try to go to bed and his whole body shakes. I try everything I can to help him with them but nothing I do works. On top of all that he has Anger problems. It only came out when he started being depressed. He always goes to anger no matter what mood he is in unless he is happy. When he gets bored he gets angry when he's hungry he gets angry. When he is angry and has bad days which is waaay more than the good days, he gets mean he name calls and talks down to me make me feel really shitty and then when his mood gets better he apologizes profusely and feels terrible. Unfortunately the depression has gotten so bad lately he is suicidal. I can't tell how serious he is but it seems extremely serious these past few days. I have anxiety always have and it's gotten so much worse with all he is going through I love him so much and I don't want to leave him but I feel like I'm starting to fall apart on the inside. I'm scared if I leave and he does something to himself it's gonna feel like it's my fault for leaving him in his time of need but all he does it push me away. What do I do ?

[paul m]

Hello Feelingstuck and welcome. I'm sure that you are in love with this guy very much. Being in love can be a wonderful thing but sometimes it can hinder our judgement. If I was to get mean, name call and talks down to my wife and make her feel really shitty she would have a pretty good case for spousal abuse and would be quite justified in leaving me. It would not matter that I had a mental illness.

It's not my spouses job to get me well, experienced and trained doctors had a tough enough enough time trying to put me back together when I was hit with a serious mental illness.

I will admit that at times I wasn't the best spouse around and while I expected my wife to stay with me, it was only with the provision that I sought proper medical treatment for my illness. IT WAS MY ILLNESS and not my spouses and it was MY responsibility to get treated for it. Sure my wife had to help and be understanding, but it was my job to try my best to get well again.

When I was suicidal, it was my job to admit it and seek help for that and I could not delegate that responsibility to anyone else.

I can't tell you what to do, but my son has been suicidal and I love him every bit as much as you love your partner and when he was suicidal I would give him a choice. Either you get proper treatment right away or I'm calling 911 and having you hauled away. Fortunately he sought treatment as calling 911 is fraught with it's own relationship problems, but even if my son never spoke to me again, it would be better for him to hate me for calling 911 and having him hospitalized than having him dead.

We can help someone get better, but we can't make them better nor can we force someone we love to get help. You will notice that I have used examples from my own life rather than trying to tell you what to do. Unfortunately a few short paragraphs doesn't tell anyone's whole story and even a professional would have to seek much more information before being able to tell you or him what to do.

If your B/F has been trying to get help, he needs to try a different method or a different doctor as the current method is just not working. You should seek some advice from a professional yourself to help you decide how to best help both yourself and your boyfriend. Often a discreet call to a women's shelter can put you in touch with a good counsellor or provide you with some excellent advice. You do not have to be in most shelters to seek their advice. Contrary to some opinions a woman's shelter is not just about providing a place for abused women to stay, it's also about helping women through difficult times and giving women good advice.

Sometimes we can't help who we fall in love with and most good shelters realize that and can be very helpful.

I'm not trying to suggest that you shouldn't post more, far from it. The more you learn about mental illness, anger problems etc the better you are able to help your B/F, so ask all the questions that you like. The one thing that we cannot give direct advice on is someone in need of emergency services or someone who is actively suicidal. However there is a link at the top of the page that sez, "are you in crisis" "click here" for crisis situations. It also leads to some interesting links for advice.

I hope that you both can find a way that will see you and your B/F both living happily. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m

[Neli]

Welcome Feelingstuck! I'm glad you found this site and have posted about your situation. I think Paul has covered most of what I think. Your boyfriend needs to get help or get different help if he is already working with a professional. You can be loving and supportive but he is responsible for getting effective treatment and you should be able to expect that of him. If he is not seeking help you have a big decision to make. You have to look after yourself. I hope you will post again to let us know how it's going. I send you both my best wishes and hope things work out positively for you.

[AJ]

I don't have anything to add. I just wanted to welcome you to the forum Feelingstuck.

[Stenacron Man]

First things first.........".YOUR SAFETY.".........You can't make him go to the hospital, but you can start by calling COAST for ideas. You can also seek help at CMHA. But from what you describe your safety must come first. If you leave that might push him over the edge...But your safety comes first...This sounds like it could explode anytime and you do not need to be in the way of that storm that's not fair to you. If he wasn't angry and aggressive sure work on it together. He maybe trying to push you away to protect you. It is a mans instinct to protect the female. I would be doing everything to make you run so I wouldn't accidentally hurt you.

Buddy Mack.

[Feelingstuck]

Hey everyone and thanks so much for the responses. He has decided to work harder on getting better and start being more honest with his doctor about what is really going on. We had a very long discussion about his talk about suicidal thoughts and how he wants to end the pain. He has told me it's not what he wants but when he gets in that slump and can't get out of it for days he feels giving up is the easiest option. I truly don't think he would act on the suicidal thoughts and he really doesn't think he could anyways. He tells me all the time that he feels he tries to push me away because he feels that is the best decision for me and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. He feels I could be so much happier but the truth is I was never happier than I was when he was healthy and happy before the depression. The depression came on after he had been working full days 6 days a week for almost a year at a slow store where he had tons of time to just think and there wasn't much to do. Then the company he works for had a corporate take over and that made him really upset. I think all that and the mindless days of being bored and not much interaction with people triggered the depression to come back. He had struggled with it when he was a teenager but he was able to get out of it then. I have high hopes he can get better and we together can move past this. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to and I'm so happy to have found this website. I will keep updating and posting along the way thanks again everyone!

[paul m]

Hello Feelingstuck. I'm glad that you found us too and I'm glad that you two are talking and trying to work everything out. Depression (any mental illness) can be a lonely illness for both the person suffering and for their loved ones. You have said several things that I'm going to reply to, but I don't want you to think that any of it is a criticism, because it's not. Sometimes the electronic media robs us the compassion that would show up if we were speaking in person.

You said: " He has decided to work harder on getting better and start being more honest with his doctor about what is really going on. " Good for him, I know that it is often very hard to talk with a doctor. I failed to tell the doctor the truth many times for reasons that are too numerous to mention and many weren't good reasons in the first place, but basically because of fear. As well it can often take a long and frustrating time to find what works to make us better. For me it was finding the right combination of medication, life style, diet , exercise, understanding my triggers, early warning signs and a lot of other things. It took my wife(who is a wonderful and kind person) a long time to understand just how complex and difficult of task it was for me to get better.

You said: "He tells me all the time that he feels he tries to push me away because he feels that is the best decision for me and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. " That's may be true. One of the times that I tried to commit suicide my biggest worry was the fact that I couldn't seem to stop hurting my family (mentally wise) and I thought that I was useless and that they would be better off without me. False thinking, but that is what depression does to a person.

When he said: " He had struggled with it when he was a teenager but he was able to get out of it then." That is probably true also. Unfortunately docs don't tend to tell us that the illness may come and go and may vary in intensity or grow worse as we get older. Because the illness may cycle through different phases or get worse as we get older , we , or at least I, used to think that I was a failure. I would go along fine and something would happen and my illness would suddenly reappear worse than before. I would try and find reasons for it and in reality it was just the variable nature of how my illness affected me and nothing that I could have changed in my life would have prevented me from having relapses or eventually from getting worse without proper medical treatment and self education.

I eventually did get better, but I might have got better sooner if my docs had told me more about my illness and what to watch out for. The more I learned about my illness form other sources the more I was able to assist my doctor in my own recovery and to make better choices as far as treatments went.

Please don't think that I'm being down on docs either. Everyone reacts differently to a mental illness and it's treatments. It can be a very complex task to sort out how help a person to get better. Which is all the more reason for self education of ourselves and those around us. I hope that things continue to improve for you, but don't hesitate to ask more questions and please do tell us how you make out. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m

[Neli]

Hi FeelingStuck. I'm so glad your boyfriend has decided to be more honest with his doc about what's going on. It's an important step. How do you think he would feel about you attending the next session with him? It would give the doctor that much more information to build his treatment plan on and it might truly show your boyfriend how you are in this together (how you are there for him and also how his illness is affecting you). Just a thought...

Take care,

Neli

[paul m]

Excellent point Neli. I often told my doctor how I felt and my wife would have a different view. For example I would say I was doing ok and my spouse would say what about those 10 days you missed at work when you couldn't get out of bed because of your depression. Your other points are very valid too. Take Care. paul m

[Feelingstuck]

I have gone to many doctors appointments with him. He knows I will always go as long as he wants me there I'm planning to go with him on his next check up. I feel it willl give me some piece of mind as well. Thanks everyone I'll keep posted and asking questions when I need answers or help.

[Stenacron Man]

That sound great I am happy it is working for both of you.