Hello. This is my first post on here. I found this place because I haven't been able to meet with others who understand in person since it's summer break. If anyone has any advice or encouragement, I welcome it.
Two wo weeks ago I was tapering off of 10mg of Lexapro. I'd made it to taking 5mg every day. The next step was to take 5mg every other day and then stop taking it altogether. Well, with my flawed "logic" I chose to stop taking it altogether and I hung in there for over a week. I was miserable. By the end of day two of not taking it, I was hearing whispers at night (like old times) telling me to kill myself. I pushed on, internally screaming at the voices to shut up. By the end of the week, I was a paranoid, racing thought-filled, disassociated/depersonalized person. I believed my parents were planning to lock me up in my room, never to allow me to return back to my home after visiting with them this summer, and I stayed awake at night researching anything and everything because it seemed so important, as if I was going to write a groundbreaking paper for a scientific journal. I believed my parents were stupid, that i was brilliant and that this whole holiday was a waste of time, that i needed to get back to my uni studies. Everyday was a chore to get out of bed. I felt physically ill. The last day before I got back on 5mg of Lexapro, I was alone and had a strange experience of "splitting" from myself. I felt disconnected from myself but I was talking to myself, a self that was me but not me. It's hard to explain. It was like an out of body experience except I was the one looking at me but it wasn't me at the same time. It was like another sentient version of me. It's happened to me before even when I was taking my original dose of Lexapro. It scared me.
Ive been back on Lexapro for about a week, taking 5mg every other day and I feel better but, Im angry and confused. Why can't I be off of the meds? I want to know if any of my "improvement" in these last five months has been really me or if it's just been me on meds. And, I keep wondering, who am I really then if it's just the meds? I tried explaining this to my parents and they said to not focus on that but rather to focus on how I can better function while on lexapro and how I actually talk with them and am "normal." But, what is normal? And, if normal is me on meds, why do I feel so angry about it? When I was off the meds for that miserable week, I did write a poem to be performed with three different people and was able to complete three large tasks. Yet, I ended up scaring my parents, not sleeping, and sending a couple of embarrassing emails to my profs. I don't know what to do.
Has as anyone else ever struggled with any of this?
Two wo weeks ago I was tapering off of 10mg of Lexapro. I'd made it to taking 5mg every day. The next step was to take 5mg every other day and then stop taking it altogether. Well, with my flawed "logic" I chose to stop taking it altogether and I hung in there for over a week. I was miserable. By the end of day two of not taking it, I was hearing whispers at night (like old times) telling me to kill myself. I pushed on, internally screaming at the voices to shut up. By the end of the week, I was a paranoid, racing thought-filled, disassociated/depersonalized person. I believed my parents were planning to lock me up in my room, never to allow me to return back to my home after visiting with them this summer, and I stayed awake at night researching anything and everything because it seemed so important, as if I was going to write a groundbreaking paper for a scientific journal. I believed my parents were stupid, that i was brilliant and that this whole holiday was a waste of time, that i needed to get back to my uni studies. Everyday was a chore to get out of bed. I felt physically ill. The last day before I got back on 5mg of Lexapro, I was alone and had a strange experience of "splitting" from myself. I felt disconnected from myself but I was talking to myself, a self that was me but not me. It's hard to explain. It was like an out of body experience except I was the one looking at me but it wasn't me at the same time. It was like another sentient version of me. It's happened to me before even when I was taking my original dose of Lexapro. It scared me.
Ive been back on Lexapro for about a week, taking 5mg every other day and I feel better but, Im angry and confused. Why can't I be off of the meds? I want to know if any of my "improvement" in these last five months has been really me or if it's just been me on meds. And, I keep wondering, who am I really then if it's just the meds? I tried explaining this to my parents and they said to not focus on that but rather to focus on how I can better function while on lexapro and how I actually talk with them and am "normal." But, what is normal? And, if normal is me on meds, why do I feel so angry about it? When I was off the meds for that miserable week, I did write a poem to be performed with three different people and was able to complete three large tasks. Yet, I ended up scaring my parents, not sleeping, and sending a couple of embarrassing emails to my profs. I don't know what to do.
Has as anyone else ever struggled with any of this?
Comment