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Tapering off Lexapro Isn't and Leaves Me with More Questions than Answers

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    Tapering off Lexapro Isn't and Leaves Me with More Questions than Answers

    Hello. This is my first post on here. I found this place because I haven't been able to meet with others who understand in person since it's summer break. If anyone has any advice or encouragement, I welcome it.

    Two wo weeks ago I was tapering off of 10mg of Lexapro. I'd made it to taking 5mg every day. The next step was to take 5mg every other day and then stop taking it altogether. Well, with my flawed "logic" I chose to stop taking it altogether and I hung in there for over a week. I was miserable. By the end of day two of not taking it, I was hearing whispers at night (like old times) telling me to kill myself. I pushed on, internally screaming at the voices to shut up. By the end of the week, I was a paranoid, racing thought-filled, disassociated/depersonalized person. I believed my parents were planning to lock me up in my room, never to allow me to return back to my home after visiting with them this summer, and I stayed awake at night researching anything and everything because it seemed so important, as if I was going to write a groundbreaking paper for a scientific journal. I believed my parents were stupid, that i was brilliant and that this whole holiday was a waste of time, that i needed to get back to my uni studies. Everyday was a chore to get out of bed. I felt physically ill. The last day before I got back on 5mg of Lexapro, I was alone and had a strange experience of "splitting" from myself. I felt disconnected from myself but I was talking to myself, a self that was me but not me. It's hard to explain. It was like an out of body experience except I was the one looking at me but it wasn't me at the same time. It was like another sentient version of me. It's happened to me before even when I was taking my original dose of Lexapro. It scared me.

    Ive been back on Lexapro for about a week, taking 5mg every other day and I feel better but, Im angry and confused. Why can't I be off of the meds? I want to know if any of my "improvement" in these last five months has been really me or if it's just been me on meds. And, I keep wondering, who am I really then if it's just the meds? I tried explaining this to my parents and they said to not focus on that but rather to focus on how I can better function while on lexapro and how I actually talk with them and am "normal." But, what is normal? And, if normal is me on meds, why do I feel so angry about it? When I was off the meds for that miserable week, I did write a poem to be performed with three different people and was able to complete three large tasks. Yet, I ended up scaring my parents, not sleeping, and sending a couple of embarrassing emails to my profs. I don't know what to do.

    Has as anyone else ever struggled with any of this?

    #2
    Hello LadySunshine7 and welcome. First I can't say whether or not your medication is helping you or not. Nor can I say whether you should take medication. So the following isn't a criticism of you in any way, just my own view points.

    Have I ever been like you describe? Yes. Do I hate taking medication? Yes. Do I take medication? Yes. Why? Because I know my medication helps me. Sounds like a pretty simple answer, but the subject is really complex as there is so much bad information out there for and against medications. Plus some meds tend to be over prescribed. For myself, I know I have to take medications in order to get through life, that isn't a weakness on my part, it's just something that I have to live with. Just like a diabetic may hate taking insulin, it's something that they have to do because their pancreas doesn't work right.

    Having to take medications is not a weakness. Some people only need the meds for a short time others are like myself and need them for a life time.

    My brain doesn't function right without medication either. I've tried to stop several times with disastrous consequences . Stopping the meds didn't make me ill, but the consequences of not taking medication sure did.

    However I can understand why you want to try and stop taking medication. I have listed an article that shows how to withdraw from Lexapro and the possible consequences of trying to withdraw to fast. http://survivingantidepressants.org/...-escitalopram/

    Many of the withdrawal side effects shown are like the ones you listed. The article also offers a guideline on how fast to try and reduce the lexapro . If you are trying to battle depression without medication, one of the best ways is to take a good cognitive behavioural course. CBT is known to help people reduce or eliminate the amount of medication that they take. The problem being is that a good CBT course usually isn't cheap, but the effects can last a lifetime.

    Unfortunately , no matter how strong our will power or how many courses that we take, some people will always have to take medication. Take Care. paul m
    "Alone we can do so little;
    Together we can do so much"
    Helen Keller

    Comment


      #3
      I don't have anything to add to what Paul said except to also welcome you to the forum LadySunshine7.
      AJ

      Humans punish themselves endlessly
      for not being what they believe they should be.
      -Don Miguel Ruiz-

      Comment


        #4
        Thank you for your reminder, Paul M, that taking medication is not a weakness. When I read that, it made me stop and remember that my mood disorder is just like any other illness, just not as visible, like diabetes. I don't like to think of it that way usually because I go through short periods of time with bursts of creativity and love of life. During these times, I think to myself, how could anyone want to cure themselves with meds if they can experience such highs and lows. To be normal, does it mean that those who don't feel this way have blunted emotions? But, I'm brought back to reality because, being able to function is important and I can't just be in my head philosophizing all day. Youbmentioned that you have to take meds for a lifetime. My psychiatrist said to me i might also but they weren't sure yet. What's it like having it for the rest of your life? Do you question yourself and second guess yourself all the time? I've been doing a lot of that lately. Is there a point where we can trust ourselves again and our judgement?

        Thank you also also for the website link you provided. It's very helpful and I'll use it as a reference if I choose to try to taper again. I'm honestly afraid to do it since I just got a job and will return to uni soon as a student leader. I don't want to mess anything up.

        Thank you also, AJ, for welcoming me. I hope you have a lovely day.

        Comment


          #5
          Welcome LadySunshine7! I too must take medication for the rest of my life. It's something I eventually accepted. Without it there are serious consequences. I choose stability (even though I miss the highs). That being said, I find it necessary to have my meds tweaked from time to time as symptoms do sneak through.

          Comment


            #6
            Hi Neli, thank you for the welcome : ) and for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it.

            Comment

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