Rose-Coloured Glasses

[DarkAtoli]

Hi,

My fiance has depression, and he is currently taking an anti-psychotic and an anti-depressant. Recently he's opened up to me about how he feels that I would be better off without him (not suicide, just breaking up). He thinks that he is holding me back. I keep telling him that I love him, and that he makes my life better, but he counters with saying that I believe that because I'm seeing him with "rose-coloured glasses". This of course meaning that he thinks I am under a delusion that he is greater than he really is.

Can anyone give me advice about how to get through to him, and really show him that I truly do love him as he is? Or if anyone has been in a similar situation and can share what happened or anything?

Thanks.

[LadySunshine7]

Hello, DA,

I'm sorry you're going through a really rough time right now and that your fiancé is as well. As you've already seen firsthand, depression hurts everyone. Having been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder myself, and having believed I was the one that was bringing my loved ones down, I can understand where he's coming from. Having dated someone else with a mood disorder, I also know how it feels to be the one desperately trying to convince my love how much they mean to me during their Depressive states and otherwise. I know this won't be easy to swallow but you can't make him see anything. When I'm in those low states, people can tell me how much they love me until they're blue in the face but that doesn't mean I'd believe them. My thinking is so distorted and foggy during those times and I believe I'm worse than scum of the earth, that I'm unworthy and unlovable. Your fiancé most likely experiences something similar. Keep being there for him the best you can but don't forget to take care of yourself too. Set some boundaries for yourself emotionally and mentally. You're human. You're one person. You're already doing the best you can. Don't go this alone. Surround yourself with a support network of family and friends you trust that you can lean on when you need them. I wish you both well.

Ladysunshine

[Cocoa]

DA
Good answer Ladysunshine!
I myself have been suffering with Major Depressive for many years.
I always find myself thinking and not wanting to be a bother to anybody but I also came from a big family that that strongly does not want to hear about my illness. They believe it is more of a personal trait. I have known for many years I can not go to them for support. I have just learned to accept it.
DA, your fiancée might feel the same way as me about the people around him in the past, maybe now too?? And he also is maybe thinking he is just holding you back. All you can do is reassure him and just be there for him. ❤️

[paul m]

Hello DarkAtoli. LadySunshine7 and Cocoa have both given you good answers. I will add that as I started to get better my feelings of hurting my family(wife and kids) really intensified. That may sound odd, but when I was really ill, I was too depressed to care about anything. It's hard to care when you sleep 20 hrs a day.(and I know not every really depressed person sleeps 20 hrs a day, but I did).

As I started to get better, I was still depressed and I started to realize just how hard it had been for those around me, then I would get more depressed and feel that they would be better off without me. Take Care. paul m

Hello Cocoa and welcome. Like you I came form a large family, 5 siblings and parents, and they also believed that a mental illness is just a personal weakness. I won't say that they have come around a lot in the past 30 yrs, but I've learned to be stronger and that my mental illness is not a topic for discussion unless they are willing to learn about it. Some of them have came around, some not so much. Take Care. paul m

[AJ]

Welcome to the forum Cocoa. Sorry I'm not feeling well enough physically to say more.

[Neli]

Hi there. The most important thing I think is to realize that your fiancé is saying what he's saying because it's a symptom of his illness. You can't "get through to him" when it's his illness talking. I know that's hard for you to accept because you love him and want him to understand that. But it's not going to happen until he is on the way to getting better. Hopefully his combination of meds will begin to work soon. It can be so discouraging waiting and wondering if the drugs are the right medicaition/combination/dosage. Unfortunately it takes time. A lot of time sometimes. I agree with Lady Sunshine, you have to take care of yourself and reach out for support when you need it. Having been in a powerful depressive episode recently, I remember all to well how I felt that my presence on this earth was just bringing my loved ones down. Now that I'm well I can see that that was in fact true to some extent. How could my husband not be down when his happy, fun loving wife was nowhere in sight. But feeling down did not equal wanting to abandon me (as I felt he would/should). He had hope for me when I had none. So if you can remain hopeful and take care of how his illness is impacting you, you will be helping him tremendously! Hang in there and keep us posted on how things are going.

Neli