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can't get my self of this box and the black dog is here to stay

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    can't get my self of this box and the black dog is here to stay

    Hi I'm really worn from the endless circle of various bureaucracies of the so called health system and the humiliation of it. Decades of saying this and that but they blame it on you being female but the big one is mental illness wow talk about stigma with them. More congenital defects have been found and of course it comes with pain. There wasn't one vertebratae /disk that didn't have a bulge slip, degeneration, scoliosis etc. I swear the GP says nope even though your knee is fully arthritic and there's fat edema, cartilage bye bye. He said no way will an ortho surgeon replace it because I'm too young? I'm 50 and maybe I'll have about a year (wow optimistic) using a walker on good days after that wheelchair isn't an option since the worse mess is the dreaded L5 S1. other health issues, doctors too scared regarding pain management. Isolation and poverty. My depression, anxiety and BPD well I have a great pdoc but now the stairs up and especially down are getting to the point that I'm going to fall badly. I did the CBT but wow that book hasn't changed much since I read the first one over a decade ago and great for those with single issues, I played nice for the study and I really tried with an open mind. Decades of mental illness alone gets really tiring especially when I'm "treatment resistence" not sure if I said the correct terminology. I know what I can say or not in appointments, I'm safe, no plan and of course I don't cut. I'm tired and physically the pain isn't managed if you saw the MRIs along with my kidney disease etc stuff yeah. I'm scared when the time comes they won't allow me the medically assisted due to my mental illness. Even though I fit all other criteria s, except that any of my organs including my heart and pancreas won't kill me in the foreseeable future. Why is it if I were not mental ill, there would not be a question of my meeting the criteria. Sorry about the super glum. I'm to the point of so procrastinating with tests and more xrays. I don't bother reminding my doc that I'm way overdue for mammo (high risk) and pap. Thank you for being there all these years just wanted to add.

    #2
    Purgatory I don't have any words of wisdom, just some hugs.
    AJ

    Humans punish themselves endlessly
    for not being what they believe they should be.
    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

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      #3
      Hi purgatory,

      You have certainly been dealt a very heavy load of challenges, both physical and mental... more than most people could even imagine. You must be exhausted. I am glad you feel safe expressing yourself here...I hope sharing offers you at least a few moments of something positive.

      Take care,
      Kaight

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