lousy and second guessing concerns with one's partner

[purgatory]

I've been stewing about a few things regarding my partner's attitude (not sure if that is the correct word to use).. Unfortunately, with with depression along with BPD traits I'm not stellar with talking of my concerns. I'm unable to at the time to speak of a problem in the relationship. I second guess if I'm reacting due to my illness although I know I'm correct when a behaviour needs attention I can't make my point even with concreate 'evidence?". I want to avoid his absolute weak retorts. Basically, I end up apologizing wanting to talk about it and say oh it's my confused mind over reacting before he can... Does anyone else with no self confidence, anxiety back down and regret asking to talk about concerns and think that it's their fault (myself) for thinking there is a problem?
I hope I'm making sense. I'm not articulate verbally and even putting words down. Purgatory

[Kaight]

Hi purgatory, I think i know just how you feel. I seem to always blame myself/my depression for any problems in my relationships. I might start by assuming that something is my partner's 'fault' (for lack of a better word) and will find myself blaming myself and even apologizing for whatever issue was at hand by the end of an argument/discussion. I find myself grappling for evidence/examples and get muddled, sometimes forgetting what was bothering me in the first place.

This lack of ability to present an idea keeps me from having anything but superficial conversations with people. It also makes me hesitate to get a job with actual responsibility - I just don't have the confidence to make decisions, or more accurately I do not have the confidence to believe I even have the knowledge to make decisions.

Take care,
Kaight

[purgatory]

hi Kaight, it's hard I get a little corner in the living room and a third of the room of the bedroom, my own closet and bathroom. I pay all groceries,can and car insurance and gas even though he drives it most. I'm on medical retirement, while doing the last frew days, he was at the pub. I'm stuck I can't afford to even get a single on my own medically retirement sucks. Thankfully I do have a couple of "friends" I rec'd a call this morning about an opening at the pain client for some shots (my spine all of it and both knees are gone (the right one is almost done but too young as per hospitals).
You know you've that you've done everything correct, no debts always work, expenses always down. My whole life my error was first marriage, then trusting my father with my house due to divorce shit I paid more than half my pay cheque to him and he also got the extra tax receipts and took over half the house. Lost my daughter he gave her the house. It's always been done this way for me.
I have to go to pain clinic tomorrow first time and need a driver. Did I mention he owns the condo but I own the car. he was like take a cab hello that's over 50 one way and I'm to trust a random stranger after procedure. I know with my my spinal stenosis along with many other diseases I'm just a blob. I hate living with someone but being lonely. I wish I could have lived by myself, I mean I'll be looking after myself after spinal surgery like I did with brain surgery while I was married. I had threwn out, given and left 30 yrs of memories but now it looks like invisibility.

Conversations don't work, he's strong will and I'm not. I can't even get a hook put up. again there is no way I could afford a bed bugged room to be close enough to all hospitals etc.

I just needed to reach out to a wonderful community.

[AJ]

Purgatory I wish I could do this in person, but a cyber hug is all I can offer.

[purgatory]

AJ hugs are great, too much rain, bedridden, stupid health system and instead of living with the love of my life, pretty well room mates not even in same room or he's at the pub all day Sat and Sun me and my shit decisions

[AJ]

Yes the weather certainly has not helped anyone's mood. (I have a LabX that gets me out the door every day.) It makes all the other stuff feel heavier than it already is.

Be gentle with yourself today. I've always liked a good cup of tea. Sounds silly I know, but I do find small acts of self caring helpful.

[purgatory]

Tea is very relaxing green tea in the afternoon , Earl Gray Twinnings of course in the morning and ah espresso to open the eyes lol. He's lousy paying back money ie I did our turbo taxes so I paid both figure out his paperwork and what I needed. Yeah he got a refund most is going to the condo fees, he also forgot to pay his utilities and just did. my phone is seperate there's a few other things like his kitten etc. I think or maybe not I'm not impressed and everytime I suggest perhaps putting up one of my items or my antique very small chair I redid back 30 yrs ago well I'm done with that. I keep telling him don't call me your wife to other people we are common in law so partners. He always says date 2 yrs, move in, if it's still going well after 2 years then marriage. I told him don't do it that way It's insulting and it's like if I'm not the best like a competition which I avoid due to no self esteem. We've done most of the paperwork power of attorney for financial and person with strick guidelines same with the wills again very strick. I really don't care who's name is on the condo. Starting over a thrid time at 50yrs and now docs took my back issues and knees seriously so sometime I'll be having both done in a few months. My life is a soap opera I just want to walk again not be lying down 85 or 95 percent of my time and isolation of course the black dog has been very hard to keep him on his leash. Thank you again reading my self pity.

[AJ]

I'm glad to hear that you're health issues are being taken seriously. I hope the surgeries go well.

[Tony Testa]

I feel for you, it's an awful situation to be in. Through no fault of you're own - keep that in mind.

Something I'm confused about, does your parasite own the home? Make no mistake about it, he is a parasite. He's used all his wiles to keep you dependent and in a funk. I have no time for people like that, they deserve to have the fear of God shoved up their colon. He has no compassion and deserves the worst fate. You say you have friends that help you, can't anyone of them find a bastardo durro that will make him see the folly of his ways? It must be done, either he learns considersation or he G'sTFO of your life.

I wish you a thorough recovery and a return to good health. In bocca lupo!

[purgatory]

hi thanks everyone, Tony Testa thank you very sweet but even ma familiga actually were the worse for that



I don't understand when people say have a conversation but really ultimately the object stays the same 'maybe it's the way I say it etc. blah blah and I'm all ready worn out so I just nod agree I'm looking at it this way, I'm stuck in a condo and it's too much physically to even go across to the drugstore. Why do I need things I've had over 30 yrs.

turning 50 last week was really bad and mm he did give me two cards with three words and a cupcake. good intentions all that look at the bright side feeling.

Of course I'm worse with a kidney infection second round of antibiotics. Trying to explain to him the costurme he wants me to wear (he bought that gift for himself really) not happening for pity sakes now just finished reminding him. So he left went to pub and in the other room. I had asked him all weekend to watch one movie together slipped his mind.

sorry just pity party I tried to take control of my life again but who knew that my spine would collapse and my mental health doesn't help I wish I could just be lonely alone it's so much easier isn't it.