Depression and Relationship

[Sadmum]

Hi,
I have joined this site in search for answers to the sudden end of my daughters two year relationship. I have had depression for years more severe at Rome’s then at other times. I have for sure made my share of mistakes mostly in an attempt to find a relationship until I started on meds. My daughters live in boyfriend recently left her which was devastating to both of us. She fully expected they would get married and have a family as many of their friends are doing. She noticed he was having more severe mood swings over the past few months and she attributed this to work travel and work related stress associated with this. He began to stop communicating with her despite her pleas. This is typical as his mother often tells him he will explode if he does not let his feelings out. He had almost a melt down and said he was leaving her before she leaves him. I am hoping and praying someone on here can offer me insight into the effects of depression on relationships. He is in therapy and remains in touch with my daughter but says he can’t even deal with himself let alone the thought of their relationship. She is so supportive of him and I am for being it hard to comprehend why he can’t be with someone so supportive. I am not judging at all and my heart goes out to this young man as I really think of him as family. I am just wondering if anyone else on here as ended a relationship because they are struggling with depression. I would have been thrilled to have someone in my life when I was struggling the most with depression. Any help is appreciated.

thank you

[paul m]

Hello Sadmum and welcome. I can only speak from my own experience. When I used to get really depressed I would sometimes push those close to me away because I didn't want to infect them with my lousy life. Once, when I was thinking about suicide, it was because I felt that I had let everyone down and that those close to me would be better off without me.

Fortunately not every one gave up on me and I'm still here, but it was touch and go for a while. At the time my life was certainly not any bowl of cherries, but the depression made everything look so dark and life not worth living. You can even feel as if you don't deserve anything good and that by accepting help you will only drag that person down with you. I had been married for 20+ yrs and had two kids at the time. so I had lots to live for, but depression wouldn't allow me to feel that way.

Depression can make us feel so unworthy that we break relationships apart. The only advice that I can give is not to give up and try and help this person find the proper treatment. Take Care. paul m

[Sadmum]

Thank you for your words of advice. I know she is so torn with her own emotions at the moment and it is heartbreaking. They will continue to share their fails one week off and one week on so she will try to keep the communication open and conversation light.

Thank you again Paul, sharing your story with her is important.

[Sadmum]

Do you have any suggestions in terms of what to say or to avoid saying when she speaks with him this week? She is torn between making sure he knows she loves and wants to support him but not wanting to add pressure to him.

Thank you

[paul m]

Hello Sadmum. I can't speak for others, but when ever I was really depressed I wanted the reassurances from others. This was often tricky for my family because if someone said (like my wife) tried to say that "yes she still loved me" I could react badly and say that she didn't or offer an angry retort, still her reassurances did help. However aat times it was bad for her. The Mood Disorders of Ont has a guide to helping someone with a mental illness. https://www.mooddisorders.ca/guide/g...-mood-disorder It doesn't offer any instant cures , but it does offer some good advice. Take Care. paul m p.s. maybe someone else on here can chip in with how they wanted to be treated when depressed.

[Kaight]

Hi Sadmum, welcome.

I am not sure what advice to add... it is nice to be told I am important and loved, even when I am sad and and at a stage of being a huge burden (i.e. not working... staying in bed all day... only offering depressed dialogue...) In the moment I usually argue something along the lines of not being likeable and being a huge energy drain... but being told I am loved is much better than being given up on or dismissed.

Acceptance and understanding are appreciated; once my partner cut back on his attempts to 'make me better' things between us were better.

Hope that helps,
Kaight

[Sadmum]

This is very helpful and another one I am sharing with my daughter.

[AJ]

Hi Sadmum and welcome to the forums.

[Strugglesinmyhead]

Welcome Sadmum, I suffer with severe depression and I'm married with 2 adult children. I tend to push my husband of 32 years away. I know its due to my depression (as well as other reasons) but my depression and my ability to feel myself being so unhappy and sad all the time it has a huge affect on the closest people in my life. We still remain together he is very loyal and says he is not going anywhere but for me sometimes I feel like he'd be better off with someone else in his life and me being alone. I struggle with this all the time. Welcome to the forum.

By the way, can someone tell me how to put a new post on this forum. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to go into "message" or if I'm suppose to look for an icon that says "New Post". Thanks in advance for any responses.

[Sadmum]

Hi there

Thabk you for your input as it helps me to understand a little more. What I find so heartbreaking is that one day he seems to feel positive one day and want the relationship and keeps telling her he does not believe it will work the next. She can’t understand why he won’t let her try to help him. Is this typical of being depressed and in a relationship?

ps please use the new post button to

[Kaight]

Hello Sadmum,

It can be hard to understand why someone who is depressed doesn't want to be helped. I can not be sure of why your daughter's partner refuses the help of your daughter, but I can share some of the reasons I have refused help.

The first time I was depressed, if I remember correctly, I wanted help... but soon I realized that the 'help' wasn't helping... all the love and attention in the world could not make the pain go away. This was very hard on our relationship. My now husband just wanted to make the pain go away, he was very kind, patient... he did all the things that would have helped had I been simply sad... these efforts did nothing though, as I was depressed. I needed professional help. I needed lots of time to learn about myself, learn about habits I had that I where self destructive.

I have had to tell my partner to stop "helping"... it is hard to watch someone want so desperately to help, only to fail repeatedly. Seeing him fail at helping me added guilt to the the huge pile of guilt I was already lugging around.

Acceptance that his role was simple to love me has worked best... trying to help me was draining him to the core... If I really need help I have to ask and I have to be specific. (Ex: "I am too stressed to make an appointment, could you phone for me?")

I will be honest and admit that I always feel that my partner would be better off without me. When I am particularly low, I have been know to do some light relationship sabotaging... not my proudest moments... but I guess it is normal to do stupid things when we don't value ourselves... I think it would be best if he could be with a nice person for a while ... someone with as much love to give as he has... he deserves so much more than I have been able to offer so far. He, however, claims that there is no one in the world he would rather be with.... I guess I am pretty lucky!

I hope this helps a little,

Take care,
Kaight

[Strugglesinmyhead]

Hello Sadmum, thanks for your help with the forum. I did post new once but couldn't remember how I got into that spot again. I think I've figured it out now. Take care.

[AJ]

Strugglesinmyhead I"m sorry I didn't find your post again to respond. Here's a link you may also find helpful about posting. Let me know if you need any further help.

https://mdsc.ca/forum/help#content_overview/content_topics

I highlighted the NEW TOPIC area to click on in the picture below.

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