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Depressed and lonely

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    Depressed and lonely

    My name is Klim(name is changed for security reasons) and I do not want to live anymore. Perhaps something that I am writing is ridiculous and long, but please read. I'm now 29 years old. My story began in 1989. I was born in Moscow. The family is mixed - the father is Hindu, mother of the Russian origin(at 100 per cent, as they say) At that time, one of the most typical urban areas with depressing dull Soviet-era apartment buildings, which continued endlessly along the Shchelkovskoe highway. Childhood was more or less good - there were some guys in the courtyard of my apartment with whom I played soccer, went to each other to play Sony PlayStation. In the courtyard, among the guys of my age I already had problems in communication, they tried to make a scapegoat out of me for being bad at playing soccer and sometimes did not understand their jokes. Then the older guys who were 4-5 years older, all the time tried to somehow rigorously bully us (as a group of young kids)as a whole. Once they tricked me into the quiet area near my house and ***ually harassed me.

    In 2001 my family moved to a new place. No one except those guys, and probably several more from the previous place did not know about what happened to me. It was the first shock of my life. In general, communication with people was with difficulty, in any company I felt weak, either in school or in the yard. Since I was little, I somehow forgot about what happened to me there with the older guys, lived somehow quietly. From the 5th grade, I studied at the good elementary school. Socializing there was also hard. There was no understanding and interests with classmates. While I was not a nerd and could talk on different topics, cooler guys somehow did not let me in their social circle. If in the 90-s my both parents worked, the family budget was not bad, we even went to Europe two times in a row in 96-98 and had a great time in Moscow living average mid-class life.

    Starting in 1999, my mother was engaged in taking care of the younger sister and finances in the family were limited. I did not have good clothes, I did not have any allowance money. Sometimes there were some pennies which I saved up, with this money me with my friend Misha who had already died (committed suicide - RIP!), went to McDonald's(It was considered a luxury for young kids at the time) and often sat in computer clubs.We often stumbled upon the older guys who walked in gangs in my district.They extorted money and other valuables in a daylight. At the beginning of 2000s it was very easy to find problems on the streets of Moscow, even if you walk in the afternoon.That did not matter.If you were alone,you could be robbed in the middle of a day and nobody would help you,even close to subway stations or parks etc. The so-called chavs(street bullies/thugs) were everywhere in Russia I think. I realized how helpless we were - we usually run into the whole group of 5-7 people, us were usually 2 or maximum 3. Streets were ruthless.
    The biggest problem was that the first name I had was not Russian and the last name too. My parents only spoiled it for all my life. At the school there was a group of guys who somehow tried to hurt me and offend that I was not Russian.There weren't ideological racists, there were just kids with prejudices.Sometimes their jokes were very cruel. Plus some teachers did not have the best attitude towards me. Their salary was miserable and life too probably.And still I'm shaken that I could not help it and was afraid to retaliate somehow and take revenge, because I knew that I would be beaten or I would have problems all the time.I was just afraid. But this is still not the end of my problems. In the 8th grade there were big problems with the older brother. He often insulted me, liked to intimidate, he was 6 years older and already started using drugs in Russia. Often everything was accompanied by scandals with parents and he insulted them as well. Once I still tried to fight him, but I was beaten up and he eventually broke my eyes and I did not go to school for a week.I had a bruise along the half of my face.Parents somehow stood on his side. I've always been ashamed to bring someone home and developed issues seriously connected with this. It's something that at that moment I did not take it seriously because a man who can not stand up for himself - usually grows up a loser as a rule and with big psychological problems.Mother forced me go to music school, for any attempts to skip classes,I was punished every time - frowned upon, was not allowed to play computer and in every possible way tried to be blamed for such behavior. I always told the mother that I do not need it and it's not something I liked. In ordinary high school, I only studied what I liked and what was interesting.

    In 2004 we moved to Canada. There were financial hardships starting day 1. Parents sold two apartments in Moscow. Due to a lack of money in my pocket, I went to work at 15. For 7 years I probably changed 5-7 jobs. It was a very hard time and I understood that it was necessary to achieve some goals in the new country. I immediately went to school and the new environment was a big shock. I was slightly depressed inside and insecure, I still had difficulties in socializing with new people. Afterwards,I found a Russian-speaking company. These guys were a couple more years older. They invited me to drink, I often liked to hang out with them because I was 16 years old and I felt like an adult - there I could smoke and drink. Then I tried to smoke pot in the same place. It was a good time in the beginning, guys seemed to me like real friends considering that in Moscow I had only 1-2 friends. Communication seemed to be going on, but I was afraid to tell them much about myself. They did not know that I was not even fully Russian. There, just like in the courtyard in the year 96, I felt weak. Back in those years, I realized that I was young still to make mistakes and spend time not at home, I did not think about the future because I thought that life was very long. Although I was graduating from the last year of school, I behaved quite freely, might not appear at home sometimes 3-5 days to avoid mockery and threats of the older brother, pressure from the parents. I quite often began to drink and chain smoked. Communicating with these guys, I nonetheless understood how much I did not have enough guts to joke in response or quickly respond to some stuff. Most of all I was afraid that my origin would be revealed, I was always afraid when the guys were discussing some jokes on the national grounds. In Canada, there are a lot of russian speaking immigrants and their manner of communication is very different from Moscow. Although I couldn't imagine what was worse than my childhood when I was harassed. The school was over and then university years were about to start. I was tired of parents' tyranny and went away to study at university outside Toronto. There I studied and worked all the time, neither new friends nor a girlfriend. I generally dreamed about starting a relationship with girls,but for a unsociable,not confident, without money, a depressed guy it would rather be a miracle to meet a nice girl. I thought it was necessary to have cosmic properties to seduce a woman.

    In Moscow, I was 15 when I left - there was only one girl in whom I fell in love. It was nothing.But actually, in 10 years nothing changed much. Then there was a problem with my weight. I returned from the university in a year(2008) and the relationship with my mother seemed to be good, we often talked and went to drink coffee. I had no friends, I broke ties with the former friends from high school. I went to the second university in Toronto. I understood that life was a key for someone, I had to change something - I could not live like that anymore. The past is the past. It was necessary to change something and urgently. Weakness was weakness, but you just need sometimes to start everything from scratch.

    In 2009, I began actively to use different diets, run, do push ups and came to the shape that I had never dreamed of. Then I began to think that I need to look for a girlfriend, do not stay the same all my life. I wrote in an online group of local Russian-speaking residents of Canada. We met, drank beer, from all parts of Russia. Then I started to communicate only with one guy from Moscow. We made vain attempts to get acquainted with girls, but it was very difficult. Yet,lack of communication with females, lack of stable money, still lived with parents - all this made it very difficult to look for a girl for a long relationship. In 2011, my parents introduced me to a beautiful daughter of their friends who I really liked, but after we talked several times, I probably already got into her friend zone and she was very surprised that I was in love with her. She did not expect - I wrote her a letter while being emotional and she told me that she was not interested in me as a boyfriend. I was 22 - there was no car, money, ordinary guy - and still half non-Russian.Not all Russian girls liked the fact that I looked a bit dark.


    There I found out that I have big problems with the nervous system and the psyche in general. At times I thought it was bullshit,but it turned out that some of it was true.Plus, I automatically set myself lower than regular Russian alpha guys - they seemed to me so strong, strong-willed, ready for some actions that I was not ready for. I had constantly conflicts with my father too, once I even left the house. I never liked his non-European mentality. He always imposed his opinion to you, was greedy and did not try to hear his children. I developed only large complexes. Plus, inexperience in ***ual life only hung like a sword above me. All this troubled me, but not as it is now. I thought at 22 - I was still young, maybe my day will come. Although then there were days and I lost faith in the future. What was even more exasperating was that the parents sold the last apartment in Moscow without actually leaving me inheritance and receiving huge sums of money that they did not really invest anywhere. In that case, I had not received a penny. All the time, some kind of grudge for my parents - I was without personal life, without normal hobbies, without money, without the opportunity to see the world at last.
    In 2012, I changed my specialty from useless humanities in University to technical(Civil Engineering - Associate Degree). Then I was lucky, the college gave a good scholarship and I moved from home to a separate basement. Home tyranny was over for the second time. I was hinted that either I was paying them for a room or otherwise I had to look for housing. Of course I chose the second one. All my free time I drank beer with friends, sat at the computer browsing internet, read books and played my guitar from time to time. Then I got a call that my name was in an interview with the army reserves. It was a good experience and in general there were many interesting things although I was very antisocial. I felt awkward in such social context.I was somehow by myself. I saved up money and went to Europe(Germany,Austria and Italy) for the first time in my 24 years. In the army came up with some ridiculous excuses that I did not have a girlfriend, it was funny and sad at the same time.I lied that I was in a relationship because I knew people would make fun of me and mock me for never having a girlfriend.

    And the last years after 2014, everything is somehow equally completely disgraceful. Whether a crisis of some kind, or something. Need serious help. Depression is with me,it never went away


      Hello AngerWithin89. I just saw your posts now. I want to welcome you to the forum. It's hard for me, and perhaps some others, to read through a long post if we're having trouble concentrating, or reading on the computer or phone, which may account for nobody having responded to you sooner. In any case, it sounds like you've gone through an awful lot in the course of your life, and I'm sorry to hear that you are seriously depressed. Have you been able to get any professional help?

      ~ it's always worth it ~


        Hello AngerWithin89 and welcome to the forum. Take Care. paul m
        "Alone we can do so little;
        Together we can do so much"
        Helen Keller


          Hi AngerWithin89. Welcome to the forum.

          Humans punish themselves endlessly
          for not being what they believe they should be.
          -Don Miguel Ruiz-


            Welcome AngerWithin,

            Uni made a good point - many of us are better with small posts- that is a reflection of our own mental state, not yours. I have the short term memory of a gold fish these days.

            That said, I think it is great that you wrote out such a detailed explanation of your life. You have certainly had some struggles. I am struck that there are important parts of Russian culture that I do not understand. I imagine this difference has made fitting in in Canada extra difficult. I think it is good that you have reached out to others that share your culture. I also think it is great that you have reached out here. We know mental health issues. I hope that you continue to read (there is great info in older posts too) and to post. Writing is a great way to get to know yourself, a way to start recognizing patterns, triggers... Organizing my thoughts on paper has been vital to my survival.

            I hope to hear from you again soon,