My name is Klim(name is changed for security reasons) and I do not want to live anymore. Perhaps something that I am writing is ridiculous and long, but please read. I'm now 29 years old. My story began in 1989. I was born in Moscow. The family is mixed - the father is Hindu, mother of the Russian origin(at 100 per cent, as they say) At that time, one of the most typical urban areas with depressing dull Soviet-era apartment buildings, which continued endlessly along the Shchelkovskoe highway. Childhood was more or less good - there were some guys in the courtyard of my apartment with whom I played soccer, went to each other to play Sony PlayStation. In the courtyard, among the guys of my age I already had problems in communication, they tried to make a scapegoat out of me for being bad at playing soccer and sometimes did not understand their jokes. Then the older guys who were 4-5 years older, all the time tried to somehow rigorously bully us (as a group of young kids)as a whole. Once they tricked me into the quiet area near my house and ***ually harassed me.
In 2001 my family moved to a new place. No one except those guys, and probably several more from the previous place did not know about what happened to me. It was the first shock of my life. In general, communication with people was with difficulty, in any company I felt weak, either in school or in the yard. Since I was little, I somehow forgot about what happened to me there with the older guys, lived somehow quietly. From the 5th grade, I studied at the good elementary school. Socializing there was also hard. There was no understanding and interests with classmates. While I was not a nerd and could talk on different topics, cooler guys somehow did not let me in their social circle. If in the 90-s my both parents worked, the family budget was not bad, we even went to Europe two times in a row in 96-98 and had a great time in Moscow living average mid-class life.
Starting in 1999, my mother was engaged in taking care of the younger sister and finances in the family were limited. I did not have good clothes, I did not have any allowance money. Sometimes there were some pennies which I saved up, with this money me with my friend Misha who had already died (committed suicide - RIP!), went to McDonald's(It was considered a luxury for young kids at the time) and often sat in computer clubs.We often stumbled upon the older guys who walked in gangs in my district.They extorted money and other valuables in a daylight. At the beginning of 2000s it was very easy to find problems on the streets of Moscow, even if you walk in the afternoon.That did not matter.If you were alone,you could be robbed in the middle of a day and nobody would help you,even close to subway stations or parks etc. The so-called chavs(street bullies/thugs) were everywhere in Russia I think. I realized how helpless we were - we usually run into the whole group of 5-7 people, us were usually 2 or maximum 3. Streets were ruthless.
The biggest problem was that the first name I had was not Russian and the last name too. My parents only spoiled it for all my life. At the school there was a group of guys who somehow tried to hurt me and offend that I was not Russian.There weren't ideological racists, there were just kids with prejudices.Sometimes their jokes were very cruel. Plus some teachers did not have the best attitude towards me. Their salary was miserable and life too probably.And still I'm shaken that I could not help it and was afraid to retaliate somehow and take revenge, because I knew that I would be beaten or I would have problems all the time.I was just afraid. But this is still not the end of my problems. In the 8th grade there were big problems with the older brother. He often insulted me, liked to intimidate, he was 6 years older and already started using drugs in Russia. Often everything was accompanied by scandals with parents and he insulted them as well. Once I still tried to fight him, but I was beaten up and he eventually broke my eyes and I did not go to school for a week.I had a bruise along the half of my face.Parents somehow stood on his side. I've always been ashamed to bring someone home and developed issues seriously connected with this. It's something that at that moment I did not take it seriously because a man who can not stand up for himself - usually grows up a loser as a rule and with big psychological problems.Mother forced me go to music school, for any attempts to skip classes,I was punished every time - frowned upon, was not allowed to play computer and in every possible way tried to be blamed for such behavior. I always told the mother that I do not need it and it's not something I liked. In ordinary high school, I only studied what I liked and what was interesting.
In 2004 we moved to Canada. There were financial hardships starting day 1. Parents sold two apartments in Moscow. Due to a lack of money in my pocket, I went to work at 15. For 7 years I probably changed 5-7 jobs. It was a very hard time and I understood that it was necessary to achieve some goals in the new country. I immediately went to school and the new environment was a big shock. I was slightly depressed inside and insecure, I still had difficulties in socializing with new people. Afterwards,I found a Russian-speaking company. These guys were a couple more years older. They invited me to drink, I often liked to hang out with them because I was 16 years old and I felt like an adult - there I could smoke and drink. Then I tried to smoke pot in the same place. It was a good time in the beginning, guys seemed to me like real friends considering that in Moscow I had only 1-2 friends. Communication seemed to be going on, but I was afraid to tell them much about myself. They did not know that I was not even fully Russian. There, just like in the courtyard in the year 96, I felt weak. Back in those years, I realized that I was young still to make mistakes and spend time not at home, I did not think about the future because I thought that life was very long. Although I was graduating from the last year of school, I behaved quite freely, might not appear at home sometimes 3-5 days to avoid mockery and threats of the older brother, pressure from the parents. I quite often began to drink and chain smoked. Communicating with these guys, I nonetheless understood how much I did not have enough guts to joke in response or quickly respond to some stuff. Most of all I was afraid that my origin would be revealed, I was always afraid when the guys were discussing some jokes on the national grounds. In Canada, there are a lot of russian speaking immigrants and their manner of communication is very different from Moscow. Although I couldn't imagine what was worse than my childhood when I was harassed. The school was over and then university years were about to start. I was tired of parents' tyranny and went away to study at university outside Toronto. There I studied and worked all the time, neither new friends nor a girlfriend. I generally dreamed about starting a relationship with girls,but for a unsociable,not confident, without money, a depressed guy it would rather be a miracle to meet a nice girl. I thought it was necessary to have cosmic properties to seduce a woman.
In Moscow, I was 15 when I left - there was only one girl in whom I fell in love. It was nothing.But actually, in 10 years nothing changed much. Then there was a problem with my weight. I returned from the university in a year(2008) and the relationship with my mother seemed to be good, we often talked and went to drink coffee. I had no friends, I broke ties with the former friends from high school. I went to the second university in Toronto. I understood that life was a key for someone, I had to change something - I could not live like that anymore. The past is the past. It was necessary to change something and urgently. Weakness was weakness, but you just need sometimes to start everything from scratch.
In 2009, I began actively to use different diets, run, do push ups and came to the shape that I had never dreamed of. Then I began to think that I need to look for a girlfriend, do not stay the same all my life. I wrote in an online group of local Russian-speaking residents of Canada. We met, drank beer, from all parts of Russia. Then I started to communicate only with one guy from Moscow. We made vain attempts to get acquainted with girls, but it was very difficult. Yet,lack of communication with females, lack of stable money, still lived with parents - all this made it very difficult to look for a girl for a long relationship. In 2011, my parents introduced me to a beautiful daughter of their friends who I really liked, but after we talked several times, I probably already got into her friend zone and she was very surprised that I was in love with her. She did not expect - I wrote her a letter while being emotional and she told me that she was not interested in me as a boyfriend. I was 22 - there was no car, money, ordinary guy - and still half non-Russian.Not all Russian girls liked the fact that I looked a bit dark.
Comment