Since my boyfriend ended our relationship over 4 months ago I've been haltingly getting past the worst of the emotional hit. I saw him motoring around town early into the breakup, and that's all.
Two days ago a family member of mine ran into him and let me know, saying how he looked and where he was and what he was doing and that "he seemed ok". I immediately felt sick, and all the awfulness came back. I had other important goings-on to distract me (sort of) for that day and the next, but it has been pulling at me... all the flashbacks to our whole relationship and my missing him (which had lessened somewhat but far from disappeared). Apparently my feelings are fairly close to the surface if they can be triggered this strongly by a small incident that I only heard about.
This morning I awoke after a dream in which I had no "him" and no home, and was being bossed around by an aggressive ex co-worker on the mean streets of the city in the cold wind. Bad start to the day. I then cried myself through I don't know how many kleenexes. I needed that, I think, and felt better, in a physical release sort of way. I allowed my thoughts and feelings to do what they wanted for a while. Surprisingly (or not?) I found insights and perspective coming to me, and saw the lessons I've been learning, and the growth I've been experiencing. None of which took away the pain of missing him, but at least it was something..
I calmed down and carried on with my day, made light phone conversation with a friend, went for coffee and wrote about the whole thing. Spent some time at the library where I got few books and CDs, Did a bit of shopping. Then on the way home I started feeling very upset. Got into my pyjamas early, and while doing so began to bawl all over again and used up a whole bunch more kleenexes. I didn't think one person could produce so many tears in one day. So now I've got the puffy eyes and red nose, but who cares. I hope I'm done with the crying for a while. But who the heck knows anything any more, certainly not me
Two days ago a family member of mine ran into him and let me know, saying how he looked and where he was and what he was doing and that "he seemed ok". I immediately felt sick, and all the awfulness came back. I had other important goings-on to distract me (sort of) for that day and the next, but it has been pulling at me... all the flashbacks to our whole relationship and my missing him (which had lessened somewhat but far from disappeared). Apparently my feelings are fairly close to the surface if they can be triggered this strongly by a small incident that I only heard about.
This morning I awoke after a dream in which I had no "him" and no home, and was being bossed around by an aggressive ex co-worker on the mean streets of the city in the cold wind. Bad start to the day. I then cried myself through I don't know how many kleenexes. I needed that, I think, and felt better, in a physical release sort of way. I allowed my thoughts and feelings to do what they wanted for a while. Surprisingly (or not?) I found insights and perspective coming to me, and saw the lessons I've been learning, and the growth I've been experiencing. None of which took away the pain of missing him, but at least it was something..
I calmed down and carried on with my day, made light phone conversation with a friend, went for coffee and wrote about the whole thing. Spent some time at the library where I got few books and CDs, Did a bit of shopping. Then on the way home I started feeling very upset. Got into my pyjamas early, and while doing so began to bawl all over again and used up a whole bunch more kleenexes. I didn't think one person could produce so many tears in one day. So now I've got the puffy eyes and red nose, but who cares. I hope I'm done with the crying for a while. But who the heck knows anything any more, certainly not me
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