Partner with Depression Affecting Me

[johnnydoe7]

Over the last 5-6 months my partner has had depression and over the last few months it has gotten worse. We are in a long distance relationship (a 2 hour drive) so it makes this whole situation worse. Over the past month the feeling I get is that she doesn't want to see me. We haven't seen each other in person in about 3 weeks and barely talk (more just texts). I've read various articles and things around when a partner has depression and one thing that comes up a lot is to take care of yourself. I thought I was, but I don't think I have and now feel like I'm struggling. I've spent the better part of the last day on the couch or in bed myself. I think what set this one off for me was she said she was going out to see a friend and then dinner with her mom and friend. I mean I'm glad she's doing things or trying to, but I took it extremely hard yesterday and telling myself she's doing things with other people, but not me. She knows something is up and asks me if I want to talk. I can't talk about this because I feel it will make her feel bad because she was "the cause" of why I'm feeling like this and over the course of our relationship, it has been difficult on multiple ends so I'm just feeling like I can't talk to her about this, which is weird because she is usually the one that doesn't want to talk. I'm just really struggling with this and I guess putting my thoughts on an internet forum because I feel I don't have much else.

[AJ]

Hi Johnnydoe7 and welcome to the forum. The long distance relationship can be a challenge. Add other factors in the mix and it can be tough going. I think it's a good sign that your partner asked if you wanted to talk. She knows something is up. Why not tell her how you're feeling, she's guessing anyway. We are responsible for our own feelings, and you can let her know that if you're worried that she's taking that on.

I find it worth the time to consider how I'm going to say something that might be difficult. In my experience it is as important as figuring out what I'm trying to convey. This is especially true when I'm talking with someone who is not at their best.

[johnnydoe7]

Thank you for the response. I do try to think about what I'm saying (maybe better sometimes than others). My challenge with telling her how I feel often turns out to be something where it turns back on me with something like "Oh so this is all my fault again..". That kind of thing. I've told her in the past it is extremely important that we communicate well and we often times fail. I am one that will talk, but she often shuts down. Throw her depression on top of this and I feel helpless.

[AJ]

I understand how hard it is johnnydoe7. Even with phases that start with I feel, rather than you make me feel, my partner can think I'm saying my feelings are their fault.

[Alfonso]

I know this is going to sound rough but the best thing you can do right now is to give her space and tell her that you love her and that you will be there for her whenever she feels like talking to you about anything! As I have suffered from serious depression in the past, its very difficult to explain to others how it actually feels. One can't put it into words. Your GF is suffering a mental illness and you need to look at it as such. She can't handle too many things at once and needs to take baby steps combined with meds, therapy and a good doctor. Stay in the present moment always, don't think about the past at all as that causes depression and don't think about the future as that causes anxiety. Try to be present always. It's not you. It's just a chemical imbalance in her brain. Just be supportive but don't press any of her buttons. She can't handle it right now.