Difficult Situation with a Baby Shower

[Quito]

18 months ago I went on a three week vacation with my sister and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. She either ignored or condescended to me, while speaking all smiling and cheerfully with complete strangers. At one point she told me I speak too much. Another time when I had a cry and asked what she might be angry about, she said her and her husband know what I'm like from a vacation we took together decades ago. I had no clue what she meant by that. I just know that my self esteem took a huge hit from her treatment on this vacation. After ignoring me all flight home, at airport back home she cheerfully said good bye and said see you soon. I was stunned. She invited me for wings a few days later, with her husband but I declined. Turns out she just wanted me to care for her intellectually disabled daughter while they went on their next vacation.

Previous to this vacation, she had a terminal cancer diagnosis. After chemo and radiation, all they could promise her was clinical trials but they told her she has at most 5 years left. So I threw myself into being there for her, over and above a demanding job and my depression. I made sure to be there for her grown daughters. And I made sure we supported my brother-in-law - on his birthday I asked my sons to take him to the batting cages after we took him out for supper.

I've never been close to my sister. She was a stay-at-home mom to 4 daughters and her world was all things children. Whereas I was in a career. She is a more surface type person who chatted about vacations, home decor and her children, while I swim in deep waters and like to speak about emotions, spirituality, dreams, etc. Be that as it may, I tried my hardest to be there for her. Over the years I always felt I entered her world but she rarely entered mine. Everything was always about her and her family. Sometimes at supper table, the chatter was so much, I could remain silent and not one soul would notice or ask anything about me. After my divorce she helped me paint my living room and said it must be hard to live with someone with depression. True. But wow, that's all I got? She also never would vacation or lunch just with me. Her husband was always with us. My late mother also was deeply hurt by my sister on a vacation several years ago. I think she just didn't like us.

One of my sons and his wife are having a baby soon. My daughter-in-law wants my sister to attend baby shower, I have not seen my sister since that fateful vacation 18 months ago. I've not gone to her house, missed her 60th birthday party, not spent xmas with her, not one thing. I'm absolutely shut down from exposing myself to her. That vacation was shocking and made me realize just because she's got cancer, does not mean I can ever be close to her and it does not mean we'll ever understand one another. And it also shouldn't mean I continue to allow her to walk all over me.

My difficult situation with the baby shower is that my daughter-in-law has invited my sister and she'll be there. The one thing that is mine, my sons and their wives, And she'll take even that experience from me. My daughter-in-law is closer to my sister and very likely likes her a great deal more than me. They are two peas in a pod So August 19th I'll need to go, grit my teeth and come home to cake. But what a way to enjoy one of the most delightful moments in my life, being a grandmother for the first time. My sister is going to take even that away from me? I can't...

Edit to add; my depression is possibly making this a MUCH larger deal than it is. I could be exacerbating things. But ... it's really important for me to have boundaries and protect myself. The challenge is in separating out what's blown out of proportion from depression from what is legit concerns about this relationship. Thanks for reading my post. I've cried buckets the last couple days and will likely cry a few buckets more before this shower is behind me.

[AJ]

Family can be so complicated. Last summer I had a profound and painful experience of just how hurtful family can be. My relationship with that family member will never be the same, ever. Family in my case, comes as a package. It is very hard to strike a balance of relationships with individual family members, and at the same time protect my heart from such hurt happening again.

I wish you the all the best in this shower. It is such a difficult position to be in.

[uni]

Hello Quito. How wonderful that you'll be a grandmother! That's really special and exciting. I'm sorry the relationship with your sister is casting a shadow. It sounds upsetting and hurtful and my heart goes out to you.

I've really had trouble with certain family events too. And felt robbed of a good time because of one or two people who I react badly to. I want to cringe or cry or yell or run away, because of the way I feel when they're around. And then feeling trapped until the event is finally over.

I take comfort in the fact that I only have to get through a few hours or whatever, and then I can leave and breathe easier again.

"But what a way to enjoy one of the most delightful moments in my life, being a grandmother for the first time. My sister is going to take even that away from me?"

I hear you. I have a sister who tends to "run things" every time there's a get together and seems to make it all about her. Well, I've come to accept that she's never going to change. I'm still incredibly bugged by her, but I concentrate on interacting with people at the event who *don't* get to me. I still get to celebrate the new baby or the wedding couple or the birthday person. Is the event going to be the way I'd love it to be? Nope. Can my sister rob me from enjoyment of a special celebration? Not completely, not as much she used to. I'm learning to look for the bits of good in a bad situation. I'm not saying this is what you should do, I'm just putting my experience out there and say what has helped me. Like you mentioned, boundaries and protecting myself. I'm learning. My emotions belong to me, not to her.

I hope you're able to enjoy the baby shower in whatever way you can, you deserve it!

[Quito]

Family can be so complicated. Last summer I had a profound and painful experience of just how hurtful family can be. My relationship with that family member will never be the same, ever. Family in my case, comes as a package. It is very hard to strike a balance of relationships with individual family members, and at the same time protect my heart from such hurt happening again.

I wish you the all the best in this shower. It is such a difficult position to be in.

Thank you so much AJ. I can tell you really understand. Here's to hoping both of us can protect our hearts from future hurts. Thanks also for the good wishes on my attending the shower. I feel so much better today. I think I need to refrain from late night posting. My dragons all loom so much larger at night. Today I feel I can attend, be polite and go home feeling proud of myself. xo

[Quito]

Hello Quito. How wonderful that you'll be a grandmother! That's really special and exciting. I'm sorry the relationship with your sister is casting a shadow. It sounds upsetting and hurtful and my heart goes out to you.

I've really had trouble with certain family events too. And felt robbed of a good time because of one or two people who I react badly to. I want to cringe or cry or yell or run away, because of the way I feel when they're around. And then feeling trapped until the event is finally over.

I take comfort in the fact that I only have to get through a few hours or whatever, and then I can leave and breathe easier again.

"But what a way to enjoy one of the most delightful moments in my life, being a grandmother for the first time. My sister is going to take even that away from me?"

I hear you. I have a sister who tends to "run things" every time there's a get together and seems to make it all about her. Well, I've come to accept that she's never going to change. I'm still incredibly bugged by her, but I concentrate on interacting with people at the event who *don't* get to me. I still get to celebrate the new baby or the wedding couple or the birthday person. Is the event going to be the way I'd love it to be? Nope. Can my sister rob me from enjoyment of a special celebration? Not completely, not as much she used to. I'm learning to look for the bits of good in a bad situation. I'm not saying this is what you should do, I'm just putting my experience out there and say what has helped me. Like you mentioned, boundaries and protecting myself. I'm learning. My emotions belong to me, not to her.

I hope you're able to enjoy the baby shower in whatever way you can, you deserve it!

Hi Uni; thank you so much for sharing your experience and how you deal with it. It really resonates with me. It's bizarre that even after physically removing someone from my life, I still allow them to hold so much power over me. I'm still learning to not let my sister rule my good time or my emotions.That's the lesson right there. I'll do as you do and enjoy my daughter-in-law and others, focusing on what brings me joy and on the bits of good in a bad situation. Very good advice, thank you. I also spoke to a girlfriend on the phone today who helped me see this baby shower offers me a chance to practice being polite but not being owned. I'll put little covers over the buttons my sister used to push with her fake smile and talk. I'll just tune it out and at every opportunity, look to relate with others.What a journey life is. And like I said to AJ, the monsters in my closet loom so large at night, what's up with that? Late at night I can be a full on basket case, and then in the light of the very next day, I can feel "okay it's rough, but I got this". Love to you and AJ and all who struggle with different family situations. xo

[AJ]

" Love to you and AJ and all who struggle with different family situations. xo"

Thanks Quito.

[uni]

Quito, I join AJ in saying thanks. The pandemic has reduced my exposure to family, and I feel less stressed because of it. We do more phone calls and fewer visits.

One thing especially strikes me from your post -- the part about putting little covers over the buttons your sister would push. I've never heard that before, and I'll try to remember it. I immediately got this visual: I used to sew a lot, and one dress I made had covered buttons. They were a pain in the you-know-where to make properly, and took a lot of time and patience. But once they were in place they really improved the dress. So that may help me to remember!

[Quito]

Well, it's countdown to the dreaded baby shower this Wednesday night. Here it is 4:00 am and I haven't fallen asleep yet. I'm often anxious Sunday nights but this is ridiculous. I'll likely have a nap in the afternoon to make up for this lack of sleep. I'm remembering all the infantile games played at baby showers and visualizing how awkward it will be to play these stupid games in a group of 10 people which includes my estranged sister. UGH
I'm sure I'll be able to be polite and leave after two hours but I'm absolutely not looking forward to this shower.

[uni]

Quito I understand your dread. It happens to me too, and it isn't a good feeling. I don't know how you handle it, but I find that distracting myself and using self talk helps. I also read the poem called the Desiderata, I don't know if you've heard of it.

My psychologist told me I had "anticipatory anxiety". I think that's true. She would remind me (because I'd forget) of previous times when I'd be really worried about a family event, and then the next time I saw her I'd report that the event went fine. This still happens. I hope it also happens for you with the shower.

I love the term "infantile games"! I never have liked them. Played far too many at showers and Tupperware parties

[AJ]

I'd rather play with a pup all day, then go to a baby shower for an evening.

[Quito]

Thanks Uni and AJ.

I've been eating more junk food the last couple days which isn't great but I'll get back to my routine by the weekend. Yesterday my other daughter-in-law gave me a manicure. She's throwing another baby shower next week - one just for girlfriends. She knows my other daughter-in-law is next level on throwing parties so she feels a bit anxious about throwing a nice shower. She is making two of her favorite non-alcoholic drinks and made a cake out of diapers (I learned diaper cakes is a thing, who knew). I told her these things are so kind of her to do.
She asked me to take a few pictures of the food, decorations, and gifts to give her ideas. I said I'd be happy to do this little task since it would take my mind off the situation.

It's so true anticipatory anxiety often doesn't match the actual event once we look back on it. I'll keep telling myself that. And yes, I would rather play with a puppy all day too!!! Aw what a cute visual. I will think on that as I sit in the little circle of women.

I love the Desiderata poem published in 1927. When I was a teenager, it was turned into a spoken word song that we listened to over and over. I think it's so beautiful I will post it here: Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

By Max Ehrmann © 1927
Original text

[AJ]

Thank you for posting that Quito. I haven't read it in a long time, and am reminded of why I like it so much.

[Quito]

Back home from the baby shower. It was in the backyard and chairs were spaced in a big circle. I sat between two of My daughter-in-law’s family members and my sister & her daughter sat nearby. It went well and we both made minimal polite inquiries “how are you liking working from home” and “how have you been feeling” but clearly things are very icy between us still. Her daughter was surprisingly icy but she’s always been a snooty one.

I really love my daughter-in-law’s mom and her friends so I had enuf folks to speak with. I got home just outside of two hours so that was great. I feel in my heart sad for my sister’s plight with cancer but I have zero desire to rekindle a relationship with her and clearly she feels the same otherwise she’d have attempted to see me beyond huge family gatherings. Anyway it’s behind me, thank god. It went just fine.

Thank you Uni and AJ for letting me blah blah about my anxiety. Your kindness means a lot to me and helped me greatly. xo

[uni]

Way to go Quito! I'm glad to hear the shower went ok and you found some enjoyment in it, despite the icicles, and have it behind you now.

Now I'm curious -- how does this diaper cake thing work?!

And thanks so much for posting the Desiderata. I love to read it. Today I can use the reminder that the universe will do what it does, I don't have control over it. Imagine that

[AJ]

Thanks for the update Quito. As uncomfortable as it was, I'm glad you had enough other people to talk to. And it's over! Whew.