Walk a mile in my shoes

[Beanie57]

Hi. I hope I’m not using the forum too much. It’s just such a relief to discuss some things I would be too embarrassed to talk to my case manager about or my daughter for that matter. She’s so supportive but I don’t want her to think I’ve completely lost it. Was experiencing some auditory and visual hallucinations recently from what my Dr says was sleep deprivation and medication induced. He started weaning me off some meds and started working on getting me some sleep. I would sometimes get up at 12:30 for the day and be up frequently before that. He had to be careful what he put me on for sleep because of my sleepwalking and COPD. He finally put me on some Clonazepam and bingo I started getting about 5-6hrs of sleep. I was also on Olanzapine for sleep and the hallucinations. The hallucinations have decreased with the added sleep to where I’m just seeing things and hearing things once in awhile. A couple of times a day. Recently I’ve been having anxiety attacks. I’m anxious anyway but these attacks are unmanageable. I was on Pregabalin for my anxiety but it was causing leg and foot swelling to the point I couldn’t wear my shoes. So he slowly weaned me off of that but didn’t replace it with anything for my anxiety. My anxiety got worse and I started having anxiety attacks. I would shake and vibrate, hyperventilate, sweat and unable to think clearly. I felt blank. Like I didn’t exist. I kept in close touch with my case manager and he let the Dr know what I was going through. He didn’t want to put me on another med. The weekend came so my case manager and Dr were off. I was desperate. Why would you take someone off their anti anxiety med and not replace it. The office nurse called me over weekend to see how I was doing. By this time I was suicidal off and on but refusing to go to hospital. I had this thought that everyone was mad at me. Couldn’t shake it. I felt like if I went to emerg they would be angry that I wasn’t following my psychiatrists plan and was drug seeking. I made sure my daughter was kept busy so she wouldn’t see me in this shape. All I could do was cry and shake. Monday came. I had texted my case manager over the weekend to let him know how serious this state was. Told him I was suicidal off and on. Something needed to be done about this anxiety! He finally discussed the shape I was in with my Dr and he ordered Clonazepam for the mornings. The hallucinations are very intermittent now due to the increase in sleep but not gone. I read that severe anxiety could also cause hallucinations. Then yesterday I was sitting in my chair vibrating with scattered thoughts when I heard, “walk a mile in my shoes”. I recognized the voice. It was my older sister. I turned to respond and of course she wasn’t there. She had committed suicide many yrs ago. What did she mean? Did she mean if only I had any idea of what she was going thru when she took her life? I started thinking she had the right answer. That that’s what I was meant to do. I can’t stop thinking about what she said. I had never walked a mile in her shoes. Had she tried to get help the same way I was trying? Was that the answer? My case manager will be here shortly to take a call with me. Do I embarrass myself and talk to him about it? What does it mean to sense someone’s presence and talk to them when they’re not there? I often sense my daughter sitting in her chair and have conversations with her. What to do. Who should I tell? Will I be taken seriously this time. Thanks for the ear. Any advice would be much appreciated

[bucky310]

Hi Beanie,

There's no such thing as using this forum too much. I am sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. Persistence is key, eventually you and your doctor will find the right balance of medication to keep you feeling normal all the time. If you think something is wrong, tell them. That's why they are there.

I personally have found a good balance of medication for myself. I've had several rounds of "I'm not happy enough" and even (if you can believe it) "I'm too happy". But I kept communicating with my doctor after periods of trying out the changes. Eventually we got to this point where I've been on the same dosages of my meds for probably 3 or more years now.

I also think mentioning things like hearing your sister say "walk a mile in my shoes" might be helpful. As scary as it might be to talk about, something great can come of it. It is easy for us to judge how that might look to an outsider, even an outsider that is trying to help us through anxiety and depression. It can be embarrassing of course, but I personally have found that when I talk about those things to others the result of the conversation is a thousand times better than any negative view I had of it in my head before bringing it up.

Now please, take this all with a grain of salt. What I say above is framed from my personal experience and all experiences differ. Only you can determine what is your proper course of action.

Please do keep using the forums as much as you need.

Best of luck with everything! You've got this!

[AJ]

Hi Beanie57. How did it go with your case manager?

Bucky310 is absolutely right, there are no limits on how often you post on this forum. Any participation, whether it's coming on to the forum to read posts, or to post yourself, are always welcome.

Bucky310 I appreciate your response to Beanie57.

[Sativea]

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[Mocha231]

Good afternoon Beanie57,

I am so sorry that your doctor took you off of your anxiety medication and did not replace it with anything else. I am not sure if that was an oversight by the doctor or they had any reason for this, but this should have been discussed with you. Please feel free to be completely honest with your case manager. I am a case manager and we always try to remain non judgemental. In order for your case manager to support you they need to know as much information as possible. I hope you are feeling better. If you are in crisis and plan to do something relating to self harm the hospital can be a very beneficial resource. I would suggest going there in person if you can’t cope, telling them about your symptoms, how you feel and if you plan to engage in self harm behaviour. Perhaps the words you heard your sister utter were words of encouragement and strength, perhaps she wants you to continue to do your best and hang in there.

Mocha231