To the people I love
I’m sorry I lived
No it’s not because I’m paralyzed. I am okay with the fact that as long as I live, I will never walk again. I have been okay with it for years. I am perfectly comfortable with what I became after my car accident 10 years ago. It took me 5 years to come to terms with the fact that the remainder of my life will be spent in a wheelchair. After 5 long years of wishing my accident would have killed me because I didn’t want to be paralyzed for the rest of my days on earth; I woke up in the morning on the fifth anniversary of my accident I was happy, I told myself so what if you’re crippled. At least you’re alive! Yes there are things I can no longer do. However there is still a lot i can do. And some things I will have to do a different way. A way adapted to make it possible for me to be able and do things. If I had died that day, I would have missed out on a lot of things. Such as meeting all of my nieces and nephews that came into this world within these past 10 years. I would have missed out on too many things. And yet 10 years later; here I am thinking I wish I hadn’t made it out of that car wreck alive. The reason why I say I’m sorry I lived is because for 10 years I have felt like a burden to the people I love. I still feel that way, and I will always feel like a burden. Even though you have told me time and time again that I am not a burden, that I never was; my stubborn mind refuses to make me believe you. Besides I have watched you as you took care of me. You have taken time out of your busy life to care for me. Even when you were exhausted and in pain, you were there caring for me. Even when you were stressed out about a million things, you took care of me. Watching you do that made me hate myself, and the more you did; the more I hated myself. I wanted so badly to see you live your life to the fullest, without having to worry about me. You have wasted years of your life on me. If I had died you would’ve been free. Free from the burden of having to take care of me. I may not have been the reason for your stress, exhaustion or your pain; but I also didn’t help it. All I’m good at doing is ruining the lives of the ones I love. Just recently someone close to us has died. They had children, so why did they have to die? Why couldn’t it have been me? If anyone should be dead, it is not them; it should be me! My reason being that they had something to live for, they had a family of their own. Sure they had their own troubles/problems; but if they hadn’t died. They could’ve had a chance to make it better. I however have nothing to live for. I am single, no kids of my own, I have nothing. So why does someone that had lots to live for have to die; and I that has no reason to still be alive get to live? It is not fair!! At this rate, I’m not even sure I’ll make it another 2 years without doing something irreversible. After all there are so many things about me that no one but myself knows. If you knew you would be afraid or you might even hate me. And you definitely would never look at me the same way again.
You see 10 years ago when I was sent to the hospital after my car accident. For 2 straight weeks you were told by doctors; that they did not know whether or not I would live or die. For those 2 weeks I was in a coma. You know the people who speak about having a near death experience. Well that accident, that coma was my near death experience. Now here is what you don’t know. During those 2 weeks in a coma I may have been unconscious to you ; however for me there was a part of me that was still conscious. My very soul was awake and aware of its surroundings. Though what I was surrounded by was horrible, a nightmare! There was no light, there was no other person. Around me there was only darkness, it felt very cold. I was alone in cold darkness screaming and begging for someone, anyone to hear me, to help me. Yet there was no answer. That’s not the worst of it though. You’re probably thinking how can it be worse than that? Well here’s how; for you I was in a coma for only 2 weeks. Although for me time was moving faster. By which I mean that for me those 2 weeks of being surrounded by a cold darkness felt more like multiple months had gone by. When I woke up from that coma, I was sure I had finally been freed from the darkness; but I was oh so wrong! Turns out that I had fallen into the abyss. I found myself still enveloped by darkness. Five years would come and go of being amongst dark clouds… It’s like I said on the morning of the fifth anniversary of my accident I woke up and I was happy. I had come to terms with my disability; and once again I thought I’ve finally been liberated from the dark fog that had plagued me for years. Yet again I was wrong. You need to know I have suffered from depression my whole life. The gloominess that remained had nothing to do with my disability. It is about the demons that have been with me my whole life. Also don’t forget after five years I still felt like a burden and I still do to this day. The darkness that was associated with my disability had completely vanished. All that remains is the darkness that came from the demons I’ve had before my injury; and the darkness from feeling like a burden to the people who matter the most to me. Now add to that the grief of losing someone close to you. It is a recipe for disaster. I am within the darkness, at the bottom of the abyss. I have tried to climb out, I tried to reach for the light.
The more I try to climb up into the light, the further I fall into darkness. What if, someday that darkness consumes me whole? If or when it does devour me; I fear that the girl you once knew will disappear. Will I still be able to go on living? Am I doomed to live with this darkness inside of me until the day I die? Right now I am holding on by a very thin thread. The line between wanting to live or wanting to die, is where I stand. I do want to die so badly to free myself from the darkness that surrounds me from the inside out; and yet a part of myself wants to live. A piece of me hopes that tomorrow will be better. Unfortunately every tomorrow I have been through has only been filled with more of the darkness. It’s times like this, that makes one want the ability to see the future. However if I could see the future it could mean my demise. If I saw that my future would hold nothing but darkness, misery; would I really want to go on living knowing that nothing would ever get better? No I would not. And if my future would turn out the other way. Where someday I would see the end of the darkness. Of course I would not want to die; not if I see myself finally freed from the abyss. If I would know that in my future there will eventually be happiness, my will to fight the dark would be renewed. I would fight so much harder to be able and see the day when darkness leaves me. Seriously, if only I could see what my future holds. But I can’t, instead I’m here growing very tired of fighting. As days become weeks, and then months which turns into years; the more worn out I become. The further I fall within the abyss. The more difficult it becomes for me to see the light…
I am so ****ing confused. I don’t know anything anymore. I am nothing. As much as I want to keep on living; I want to die even more. I feel so lost. The only feeling left within me is numbness. I know I said that the girl you once new might disappear if I get completely swallowed up by the darkness that is haunting me. But the truth is that girl has already disappeared. She has died such a long time ago. I took her place. Still, I am not her. All that I am is an empty shell. I am numb. I may look like her, and that is all. I am not her… that’s all I have to say for now
I’m sorry I lived
No it’s not because I’m paralyzed. I am okay with the fact that as long as I live, I will never walk again. I have been okay with it for years. I am perfectly comfortable with what I became after my car accident 10 years ago. It took me 5 years to come to terms with the fact that the remainder of my life will be spent in a wheelchair. After 5 long years of wishing my accident would have killed me because I didn’t want to be paralyzed for the rest of my days on earth; I woke up in the morning on the fifth anniversary of my accident I was happy, I told myself so what if you’re crippled. At least you’re alive! Yes there are things I can no longer do. However there is still a lot i can do. And some things I will have to do a different way. A way adapted to make it possible for me to be able and do things. If I had died that day, I would have missed out on a lot of things. Such as meeting all of my nieces and nephews that came into this world within these past 10 years. I would have missed out on too many things. And yet 10 years later; here I am thinking I wish I hadn’t made it out of that car wreck alive. The reason why I say I’m sorry I lived is because for 10 years I have felt like a burden to the people I love. I still feel that way, and I will always feel like a burden. Even though you have told me time and time again that I am not a burden, that I never was; my stubborn mind refuses to make me believe you. Besides I have watched you as you took care of me. You have taken time out of your busy life to care for me. Even when you were exhausted and in pain, you were there caring for me. Even when you were stressed out about a million things, you took care of me. Watching you do that made me hate myself, and the more you did; the more I hated myself. I wanted so badly to see you live your life to the fullest, without having to worry about me. You have wasted years of your life on me. If I had died you would’ve been free. Free from the burden of having to take care of me. I may not have been the reason for your stress, exhaustion or your pain; but I also didn’t help it. All I’m good at doing is ruining the lives of the ones I love. Just recently someone close to us has died. They had children, so why did they have to die? Why couldn’t it have been me? If anyone should be dead, it is not them; it should be me! My reason being that they had something to live for, they had a family of their own. Sure they had their own troubles/problems; but if they hadn’t died. They could’ve had a chance to make it better. I however have nothing to live for. I am single, no kids of my own, I have nothing. So why does someone that had lots to live for have to die; and I that has no reason to still be alive get to live? It is not fair!! At this rate, I’m not even sure I’ll make it another 2 years without doing something irreversible. After all there are so many things about me that no one but myself knows. If you knew you would be afraid or you might even hate me. And you definitely would never look at me the same way again.
You see 10 years ago when I was sent to the hospital after my car accident. For 2 straight weeks you were told by doctors; that they did not know whether or not I would live or die. For those 2 weeks I was in a coma. You know the people who speak about having a near death experience. Well that accident, that coma was my near death experience. Now here is what you don’t know. During those 2 weeks in a coma I may have been unconscious to you ; however for me there was a part of me that was still conscious. My very soul was awake and aware of its surroundings. Though what I was surrounded by was horrible, a nightmare! There was no light, there was no other person. Around me there was only darkness, it felt very cold. I was alone in cold darkness screaming and begging for someone, anyone to hear me, to help me. Yet there was no answer. That’s not the worst of it though. You’re probably thinking how can it be worse than that? Well here’s how; for you I was in a coma for only 2 weeks. Although for me time was moving faster. By which I mean that for me those 2 weeks of being surrounded by a cold darkness felt more like multiple months had gone by. When I woke up from that coma, I was sure I had finally been freed from the darkness; but I was oh so wrong! Turns out that I had fallen into the abyss. I found myself still enveloped by darkness. Five years would come and go of being amongst dark clouds… It’s like I said on the morning of the fifth anniversary of my accident I woke up and I was happy. I had come to terms with my disability; and once again I thought I’ve finally been liberated from the dark fog that had plagued me for years. Yet again I was wrong. You need to know I have suffered from depression my whole life. The gloominess that remained had nothing to do with my disability. It is about the demons that have been with me my whole life. Also don’t forget after five years I still felt like a burden and I still do to this day. The darkness that was associated with my disability had completely vanished. All that remains is the darkness that came from the demons I’ve had before my injury; and the darkness from feeling like a burden to the people who matter the most to me. Now add to that the grief of losing someone close to you. It is a recipe for disaster. I am within the darkness, at the bottom of the abyss. I have tried to climb out, I tried to reach for the light.
The more I try to climb up into the light, the further I fall into darkness. What if, someday that darkness consumes me whole? If or when it does devour me; I fear that the girl you once knew will disappear. Will I still be able to go on living? Am I doomed to live with this darkness inside of me until the day I die? Right now I am holding on by a very thin thread. The line between wanting to live or wanting to die, is where I stand. I do want to die so badly to free myself from the darkness that surrounds me from the inside out; and yet a part of myself wants to live. A piece of me hopes that tomorrow will be better. Unfortunately every tomorrow I have been through has only been filled with more of the darkness. It’s times like this, that makes one want the ability to see the future. However if I could see the future it could mean my demise. If I saw that my future would hold nothing but darkness, misery; would I really want to go on living knowing that nothing would ever get better? No I would not. And if my future would turn out the other way. Where someday I would see the end of the darkness. Of course I would not want to die; not if I see myself finally freed from the abyss. If I would know that in my future there will eventually be happiness, my will to fight the dark would be renewed. I would fight so much harder to be able and see the day when darkness leaves me. Seriously, if only I could see what my future holds. But I can’t, instead I’m here growing very tired of fighting. As days become weeks, and then months which turns into years; the more worn out I become. The further I fall within the abyss. The more difficult it becomes for me to see the light…
I am so ****ing confused. I don’t know anything anymore. I am nothing. As much as I want to keep on living; I want to die even more. I feel so lost. The only feeling left within me is numbness. I know I said that the girl you once new might disappear if I get completely swallowed up by the darkness that is haunting me. But the truth is that girl has already disappeared. She has died such a long time ago. I took her place. Still, I am not her. All that I am is an empty shell. I am numb. I may look like her, and that is all. I am not her… that’s all I have to say for now
Comment