But I wasn't depressed,,, am now

[WonderingY]

My username is WonderingY, because. I'm wondering why the local medical community is bound their going to take someone who has only ever suffered anxiety and throw him through the SSRI window no matter how much blood n glass he comes out with on him. In late June I was forced off .75 mg of clonazapam a day for 21 years. # months previously I was ran through a rigorous pile of testing. Heart, IQ, reflex, detail ct scan. On and on. The neurologist that did them said she'd never seen the likes at any age. Then my first SSRI, Escitalopram. Within 2 weeks I had 2 court cases. One I had knocked a girl to the ground. The other I'd broke a boys jaw. Went back to the doc. He said "oh well no biggy, no ones dead yet". After another month of spasming uncontrollably I went off. Sertraline was tried. I spasmed so bad from the get go I was brought into ER convulsing and seizuring on the floor. Ya so maybe that's not real good huh. Then mertazapine. Well that was even worse. screamed all day n night. 20 days ago celexa entered stage left. 10 mg for a week, then 20 started 13 days back. Every day and every second of the day is more hellish. On these SSRI's I feel as I'm going to scream.. Each and every second is a thousand worse than the one before. I know not one split second of even remotest calm. Within 5 minutes of awaking I step through the door of immense hell. On top my muscles and joints twist worse than an unfortunate victim of cerebral palsy. I try relaxation breathing. My chests too tight..can't even get one in.. After 10 at night maybe 1 wee 1.I talk to my God father. Who I've been literally in love with my whole life. As for father figure and super best friend there is nothing close. I merely recognize him at a very technical,topical level now. The anx is constantly grinding inside my head. My IQ has dropped from north of 140 to MAYBE 100 reamaining. I don't know what to do. I scream near constantly in my home, which I'm loosing. I can't function in such way as to keep it. I can't function in public. I say inapropriate things. I think worse inapropriate things.. Like way worse. This WILL end in an asylum or incarceration or death by cop for me. Why is the canadian medical system so bound that everything flies through the depression window.... WHY???? My eyes are so sore all the time it'a wild. I only have memories and recountance of the long ago paast. I know tommorow mornings dose will make me 1000000 times worse. That's all these things are capable of doing. Yet .0000001% worse will have me running down the street pulling my hair out and screaming

Yours
Effectionately pooched by the system I funded

[WonderingY]

Does anyone ever come here

[bucky310]

Hi WonderingY. Yes people do come here, though it is slow at times.

Sorry to hear you're not doing well on your medication. Sometimes it takes a long time to find the correct medication / dosage. Hopefully you can keep going back to your doctor until the right balance is found.

This is definitely an excellent forum for venting / getting out our frustrations / helping others / etc. I've used this forum in the past when I was in my worst of times. It can definitely help to write our thoughts out and to get feedback from others.

I hope you feel better soon.

Take care.

[WonderingY]

Hi WonderingY. Yes people do come here, though it is slow at times.

Sorry to hear you're not doing well on your medication. Sometimes it takes a long time to find the correct medication / dosage. Hopefully you can keep going back to your doctor until the right balance is found.

This is definitely an excellent forum for venting / getting out our frustrations / helping others / etc. I've used this forum in the past when I was in my worst of times. It can definitely help to write our thoughts out and to get feedback from others.

I hope you feel better soon.

Take care.

Thanks bucky. I'm struggling to type this message, understand my dog is a dog, remember anything. My intelligence is slipping by the second. My very special life is slipping away rapidly.. doctors??? I live in rural canada,, telephone doctors only. I don't understand anything I used to. I'll soon be going gagaga in the corner. I near think the local doctors plan to flip my house 4 profit.. Nuts ya, but that'll soon be the outcome

[uni]

Hello WonderingY, and welcome. Yes, people do come here to read and post, but as Bucky said it's been slow. Not sure why.

Thanks for sharing some of your story. I can't relate completely to your situation, as my biggest bugaboo has always been depression, but I've taken a few different meds in my time. SSRI's, like all other psych meds in my opinion, can be a blessing or a curse or sometimes a nothing. And changing from one med to another, especially too quickly, can really do a number on some people, as I know from personal experience. So in that way I get what you're talking about. Hellish.

From what I can gather from your posts it sounds like a complicated situation. Usually being checked for physical causes, ailments etc. is a good thing to have done. It can rule stuff out. But I'm not sure what you mean about the neurologist has never having seen the likes at any age.

I'm wondering what kind of doctor is giving a diagnosis and prescribing meds for you. A general practitioner, a psychiatrist, or who. That can make a huge difference sometimes.

I truly hope that things start to settle down for you very soon. I did read your post about your lovely big dog, and I'm glad you have him. Do you have any supportive people or person to call on if needed? In any case, I'm glad you found the forum. Please post again if it helps.

[WonderingY]

When I say the neurologist said she'd never seen the likes I mean in so much as my IQ,memory, retention, physical ability. She asked me if it was ok to post my findings on her office Circa 4 months ago. Now I forget my own name by times, have to constantly challenge myself to remember things. I've found that celexa is the best tool to go insane with. As I've seen mentioned on other posts here it's very good at hauting,,ie. My biggest fear is loss of memory and going insane,, therefore every time I pass a sign I feel ultra compelled to remember everything on that sign w/o looking. If I don't I class myself crackers. when I think of a word,,any word. I must remember how to spell it,,, OR You got it, I'm insane. I wake up in the night doing this. I command myself to remember every single actor, building,street sign, on n on n on at item I see, or I class myself nuts. I do this with my dog and cat till I've near forgotten their names. My whole body is constantly in spasms including my head, face. My life is hell. A constant HELL. It's a trillion miles an hour. I was taken off clonazepam by a USLESS psych in a 4 second diagnosis. Ever since MDs have been trying to fill the hole. Today 4 the first time in 5 months I'm having some rum n cokes. If I'm gonna be burried shortly behind the psych institute I may has well have some hand in it

[Mocha231]

WonderingY. I spent some time reflecting on your post today. This reminds me of a similar situation. It took me about 15 years and numerous medications before I found something that worked for my back pain, so please don’t give up hope. With that being said I am wondering why nothing else has been done in your case. You should not be suffering everyday. Have you tried going to the emergency department to see if they can find out what’s going on or asked to be referred to a different specialist. I think it’s worth going back to your doctor informing them that the medications are not effective and asking for more tests. Your deserve to know what’s going on with your health.

mocha231

[WonderingY]

I spent 3 days over my birthday in the ER.. doctor DUHavies stared at me with just that word,,DUH. then said,I don't know. We'll have to send you back to valentine,,the guy that butchered you.. cause renfrews only got one. You can be in a locked facility with him.. I got up n left.. been on a referral to royal ottawa hospital for 3 months.. having said that I've also been awaiting an MD for 5.5 yrs.. like I said. The only thing I'll get from the system I funded is medically assisted you know

[WonderingY]

Only fourth day cutting celexa in half but I guess I'm cutting it in half again tomorrow. When I take even a part dose my head immediately fills with cement,and. If I keep up I will enjoy the thrill of death by cop.. I have no clue of who I am, or what is what. My body spasms. My eyes sweal up. Skin falls off the inside of my mouth. I talk and feel badly, like loosing my mind badly about situations not in my life for decades and to which have never mattered a crap to me.. OOOH I love turtles,,,well celexa

[WonderingY]

Hey everybody. How do you know an SSRI treated WonderingY has broke into your house???????

There's a trail of dead skin that he's hocked out of his mouth, He's hacking and coughing like a bum that's smoked 3 packs of roll your owns, He's lost somewhere between his 4th shower and where he slipped n fell in a puddle of his own butt crack sweat. Approach with caution. Oh he's harmless but dazed as he11. One more thing.. There's a myriad of doctors standing over him trying to shove more into him,,yelling "But we gotta kill you to make you better"

[uni]

Hello WonderingY. It sounds pretty awful, what you're going through. Are you able to phone anyone supportive at all? Just to get you through until the celexa gets out of your system? A friend maybe, or a health line?

I found this, it may be worth a try. I hope the link works Mental health support: get help - Canada.ca

[WonderingY]

Thanks chum. No that's what I can't get the medical system to understand. I am the pilot,president, chief,chairman all in one. Their notion of take the nitro glycerin bottle down n put it in a paint shaker for 2 months then let it calm is a resounding NO NO. Anyhoo here's the latest dialogue with doc 4 a funny.. I don't really care other than I gotta stay outta jail from some inappropriate nonsense

Call with doctor this morning,,M) is me,,D) is doctor

D) Hello is this ______ _________? How is your Christmas? M) Well not really good in any way doctor,,very bad D) How can we help you have a better Christmas time? M) Well the coles notes doctor is that I'm loosing my mind, I can't think, speak right, walk right,, NOTHING. I was up at my neighbors yesterday ,and. When I was done helping her I ALMOST called my wife to put coffee on . Haven't seen her and don't want to in 7 years. When I think of anything emotional like that I don't feel the emotion I just feel a series of shocks through my body. I'm confused. Oft times struggle to recognize things,know how and how not to address people so as not to end up in jail. It's getting so bad I've had thoughts I've never had in my life,,,IF ya know what I mean. D) Says here your coming off celexa, how's that coming? M) Ya your right. Day six cut in half, gotta go another week like that ,but. I'm wondering due to me having a severe head injury that has not healed,and still hurts and feels sore if we shouldn't CT or at least basic XRAY to see if there's anything there? That way we know I'm not dealing with more. D) It's important you continue the coming off celexa as you intended. M) Ya ,but. The other doctor didn't even want that. That was my plan for the most part. D) Ya well it's important that if we make a plan we stick to it..... NOW I'm going to pause here a second for you to digest that last line...>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >> >>>>..OKAY got that. It's not about medicine,it's about life lessons.... M) I think that all of that not withstanding I would benefit from a simple scan so as I continue this, regardless of direction my anx and severe nerves aren't driven more insane by the instability of not knowing. D) No, it's important we stick to a plan. Continue coming off celexa for another week. M) What if I kill someone or myself?????????????? D) You won't ,your problems are just mental health related. Is there anything more you need today? M) Please doctor do something to contain my internal rage. D) We can't till you finish your plan. You have a really good rest of your holidays and call back if we can help more.....BBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZ HUUUMMMMMMMMMM

[WonderingY]

Given the doctor I spoke with doesn't seem to think tests can be run while pills are being taken as mentioned above, I'll ask you good people as to whether you all think it's a mood thing ,pills, coming off pills or possibly something more

- I miss my ex girlfriend,, UH no I don't, she was the worse thing in my life, but more and more I talk to her and wanna beg her to come come,, Except not for real, she's not here
- I am STRUGGLING like anything not to say or do largely inappropriate things in front of people, Like propositioning women, punching guys.. Ya jail stuff like that
- I have had a hacking somewhat producing cough now for months even before celexa
- muscle twitches and spasms that are non stop, weak, Massive pains behind eyes
- When I look at things like my dog and cat I see them in a totally different way. How I view them now is almost humanly
- I feel as though my understanding of things is so reduced I'll soon be good for nothing more than goo goo ga ga in the corner. I feel overwhelmingly sad when those hit
- I'm enraged all the time
- Struggling more and more each day to read n write and talk to people. My voice doesn't feel like my own
The last 2 scare me. Their a carbon copy to how my grandfather was in End stage after all his massive strokes. He'd sit and cry at soap box operas
Any input please. I AM SO AFRAID. The things that are the freakiest are getting worse and more real near by the second

[Mocha231]

WonderingY I did some research with regard to the drug you are taking. I am assuming the drug was used to help treat depression. Is this correct? I found it shocking that one of the side effects noted was that someone may experience feelings similar to electric shock if you don’t get off of the medication slowly. This is scary. I read this on web md. I am wondering why they did not try another medication with less side effects, perhaps they did and it was not effective. Has your doctor been helping you get off of this medication safely?

Mocha231

[WonderingY]

Tried celexa, sertraline,escetelopram,mertazipine. Doctor as I mentioned above is basically letting me write my own plan. They're all supposed to be the bees knees for anxiety and psychosis... Just the opposite has been my experience.. So much rage and confusion in me now and lack of ability to think clearly and know what to say and do in public I would say I qualify for class one dangerous. I've come to the conclusion the doctors think it humorous